Tuesday, December 15, 2009

24 hours...

its 1:30 am. i cant sleep. i really cant go into our room yet. we stayed at a hotel last night. i dont even know for sure what im going to write. i have so many emotions i dont know where to start.
this morning ryan and i both layed in bed not wanting to open our eyes. we kept asking for this nightmare to be over. i feel empty. i hurt beyond physical and emotional pain. its a pain i cant explain and you could never imagine. i lost my heart last night. i am not ready to write about how it happened or what happened yet. im not even ready to write this but i have to start letting it out somewhere. im beyond tears now, i could cry every second of everyday and it wouldnt help. i miss my daughter. i miss her beyond words. i want to hold her so bad. i want to kiss her. i feel lost, scared, unsure of anything. im praying harder than i thought i could ever pray. i beg her to just comfort me. i know she is free which is the only thing keeping me moving onto that next second of the day. we did lots of planning today. our family has been amazing but there are still so many choices to make, there is so much to do. i keep going from a dream to reality. when im in reality it scares me. i feel like i cant breathe. its been over 24 hours since i held my baby, since i kissed her face, since i held her hand, since i saw her. i cant handle this feeling. it hurts so bad. i got some pictures from a photographer from 'now i lay me down to sleep'. i cant believe how beautiful my makenzie is. ahhhhhhhh! she is so beautiful. i dont know how i was so blessed to be her mother. she is so amazing. i cant write much more.
her obituary will be in the tribune tomorrow. ill post it on here.
--i wont put her blanket down. i need anything and everything that will help me feel close to her.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I find sleeping hard too. I wake up several times in the night thinking of you and pray that you are in dreamland with Mckenzie with her your arms. I love you so much Ken. love mom

Tyler & Shanna said...

Dear Ryan and Kendra,
My heart is broken for you. But have comfort in knowing you have the most wonderful, beautiful angel looking over you now and forever. I admire your strength, your love and devotion to your little Kenzie.
Lots of love, thoughts & prayers,

Shanna

chelsieaw said...

Dear Kendra,

You don't know me but my sister works with Kenzie's grandma. I want you to know I understand what you are going through, having lost my daughter and then my husband all within a years time. Nothing I can say will take away your pain, but please know that time really does heal, it will never take away but it will get better. I slept with my daughters' blanket for a long time, it took me almost six months to go into her nursery. I wore my husbands pajamas and am still sleeping with the blanket he last used. I understand wanting to hold on to any slight smell you may have. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I am so happy you have such a great support system with your family, I promise it will be what makes you get through this horrible time in your life. You are an amazing woman with such great strength beyond your own beliefs. I know that she is with you now watching over you and in a better place. I know when I am sad I think about my daughter running hand in hand with her daddy waiting for the time when we can be together again. And I do believe you will see your beautiful daughter again. Hold on to her memory and keep her forever in your hearts.
With much love, Chelsie

Carrie said...

I came across your blog through a friend of mine. You don't know me nor do I know you; however my heart goes out to you and your family! I will keep you and your family in our prayers!

FROGGITY! said...

i am so sorry. so very sorry. she was a beautiful, wonderful soul and she is free, but i know you are hurting so badly. i will be thinking about you all in this time. wishing you peace.

sending you love and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Kendra! You are amazing. You are an amazing mother, seriously. Just reading about the love that you gave to McKenzie is out of this world. You and Ryan are an inspiration. Everything that you have had to deal with is more than anyone should ever have to deal with in a lifetime. I can't imagine all of the pain that you are going through. Just know that you are thought about by many and loved very very much. If you need anything at all please let me know, I will do anything that I can to help. Stay strong, Kendra. The lives of you, McKenzie and Ryan have touched the lives of many in more ways than I think you can ever imagine. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us!
Lots of love and prayers!
Marcie

Daniel M Spendlove said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

You don't know me - I found your blog through a friend's. I am so sorry for your loss - I cannot imagine losing a child. I thought you might like to see this site - some others might be able to help you out. http://www.agoodgrief.com/

xxoo

Alerie said...

I don't know what else to say, but I'm so sorry!! Your family is ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers!!

Alerie

P.S. - I am so glad you got some pictures from a photographer from "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep", they do AMAZING work!! AND yes your little Makenzie was absolutely beautiful!!

Karen said...

Kendra and Ryan,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl.

I haven't been able to get your family off my mind since I first read your blog last Friday. It is like reading our story.

After 2 months in the hospital, we lost our baby girl to SMARD. She died on 11/13. She was 5 months old, our only child, and was the light of our lives.

You probably feel as if NO ONE could possibly understand what you are going through. It is an awful, helpless, heartbreaking feeling.

I just wanted to you to know that I am thinking about you, and praying for peace and comfort. I know it's very hard, and that you desperately want to be a normal person with your healthy child. It just seems so unfair, and that there are reminders of her EVERYWHERE you look.

If you ever need someone to chat with, if it's this week, a month from now, or a year from now, please feel free to email me at mom2emmy@gmail.com.

-Karen

~Io~ said...

Oh Ryan, Kendra, Randy, and Becky...I haven't looked at your blog for a few weeks...I am so so sorry to hear that your sweet, beautiful baby had to leave so soon. She was so perfect that He must have even grander plans than she has already fulfilled.

We're praying for peace for you and sending our love.

The Counters
John, Amanda, Jack, Daphne, Michaela, & Josephine

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