its 1:30 am. i cant sleep. i really cant go into our room yet. we stayed at a hotel last night. i dont even know for sure what im going to write. i have so many emotions i dont know where to start.
this morning ryan and i both layed in bed not wanting to open our eyes. we kept asking for this nightmare to be over. i feel empty. i hurt beyond physical and emotional pain. its a pain i cant explain and you could never imagine. i lost my heart last night. i am not ready to write about how it happened or what happened yet. im not even ready to write this but i have to start letting it out somewhere. im beyond tears now, i could cry every second of everyday and it wouldnt help. i miss my daughter. i miss her beyond words. i want to hold her so bad. i want to kiss her. i feel lost, scared, unsure of anything. im praying harder than i thought i could ever pray. i beg her to just comfort me. i know she is free which is the only thing keeping me moving onto that next second of the day. we did lots of planning today. our family has been amazing but there are still so many choices to make, there is so much to do. i keep going from a dream to reality. when im in reality it scares me. i feel like i cant breathe. its been over 24 hours since i held my baby, since i kissed her face, since i held her hand, since i saw her. i cant handle this feeling. it hurts so bad. i got some pictures from a photographer from 'now i lay me down to sleep'. i cant believe how beautiful my makenzie is. ahhhhhhhh! she is so beautiful. i dont know how i was so blessed to be her mother. she is so amazing. i cant write much more.
her obituary will be in the tribune tomorrow. ill post it on here.
--i wont put her blanket down. i need anything and everything that will help me feel close to her.