Friday, December 4, 2009

wishing...

its been hard for me to write anything on here since we found out about our sweet baby. i just start crying thinking about what to write. i used to be the person who read these stories about other families and thinking i would just die in their situation. i came across one right before kenzie was born, this sweet family lost their daughter and i lost it right there in my chair at work. (just ask anyone there, I'm a ball baby and wear my emotions on my sleeve... sorry greg)
anyway- i would read that blog praying that God protect my baby, i begged him to give me a perfect child and if that's all he ever gave me i wouldn't ask for another thing. the moment i first saw makenzie will forever be etched into my mind. i close my eyes and see that incredible moment. she was small and had a small layer of goo on her. as they took her out, her arms stretched straight out as far as they would go, her fingers were all spread out and the moment she was placed on my chest her eyes popped open. her head, eyes, arms were so beautiful. when they broke my water they saw she pooped so they had to quickly take her away to suck her out before she could cry. i couldn't believe she was here. the moment i dreamed of since i was 5. they couldn't get her to cry and were really nervous about her, after 20 min. (which seemed like hours) they decided she was just a very content little girl and didn't want to cry. they bundled her up and brought her to me. her eyes still open, she stared at me. i fell so hard in love i honestly cant explain the feeling. she was mine and i couldn't have imagined a more beautiful child. she was my world and i was living for her from that moment on. she never did cry until after we got home from the hospital. she has always been amazing. i have felt like i got a miracle baby because she was tooo easy. life at home was a dream. i had an amazing husband and this out of this world child. i couldn't ask for more. every night we would bathe her, read her a story and i would rock her telling her how much i loved every inch of her body and just gaze into her eyes feeling like my world was complete. we would think of a dream to dream together because i didn't want a moment to go by without us being together, so since we were sleeping we would be together in our dreams. i would lay her in her bed, give her a million kisses and finally break away and go to bed... well go lay in bed and watch her for a while in our video monitor. i really don't have a single complaint about her, about being a mother, about anything.

tonight, I'm giving her kisses knowing I'm not sure how many more times i can kiss her. I'm telling her dreams we will have in the future so when she isn't here anymore we will still be together in our dreams. I'm reading story's. I'm giving her a bath whenever possible...







they don't give full on baths here in the picu only sponge baths so over the last few days when they saw me in hysterics just because i wanted to give my daughter a bath they made that happen. it was the best sight i have ever seen. she was happy. they say baby's with sma love water because its a time they fell free. kenzie has always loved the water- i wanted her to feel free for just a moment. she had a great time but i really think ryan and i had a better time.

this was a few pics i took after her bath. just because. I'm trying to capture everything about her. i have to have every memory so i can remember later.
** yes she only has one foot painted. the other was covered with an iv in it so i couldn't paint it yet. its not painted and they look fabulous!
i am trying to make kenzie the most comfortable every second of the day. i know she is having a hard time laying in that bed so any little thing i can do for her I'm all over. i saw a little girl with one of these chair things in her crib the other day so i asked if kenzie could test it out... we wont sit her so high next time but i think she really liked it for a while. she was happy to be able to sit up and be a big girl for a moment.

** her leggings are a big hit here... i change them everyday so the nurses and doctors have to stop by just to see what new pair she is wearing today.
most my days and nights are spent just watching my baby. she is so perfect. those dumb tubes have never looked so good on anyone. she is incredible. while trying to understand whats going on in our life and what to do next I'm reminded on a regular basis how special kenzie is. God gave her to ryan and i for a reason. I'm not sure why we are the ones to have to go through this and I'm still angry but I'm trying to work through this. I'm trying to figure out what is going to be the best option for my daughter. while sitting next to her and stroking her face and her hair i hate to say i don't know how i will survive without her. she is what keeps me breathing everyday. i don't know how i will breath without her....

i need these eyes... this smile...
look how amazing she is-
life is crumbing around us and she lays there and smiles at us. how is it my 4 month old is stronger than me? how is it that she has those eyes that could melt your soul? she makes me feel something i have never felt before she blessed me with her life.



ryan finally got to hold his little girl. he hasn't been able to hold her since she was admitted on nov.17... they let me a little but they had to restrict her movement so he kept telling me to just hold her. he knew how much i needed that little moment. I'm so unbelievably happy he was able to just hold her because i know they both needed each other to. kenzie sure loves her dad. ryan sure loves kenzie. these 2 are such amazing spirits. i believe they were meant to be together, to fall in love, to be in each others lives.



our family will never be the same without this beautiful girl. she has given us more joy than we could have ever imagined. although i still cant think much about the decisions we have to make because they are so unimaginable, i know my time is limited.


our family is soon going to be missing the best part. the sorrow is beyond words. its like something is completely crushing me every second of the day. my dreams for my daughter are now going to be given to God. she will be in heaven soon. we are still not sure when but we do know we wont be able to grow old with her. she was meant to be here and to change our lives which she has but she never has had to prove anything.
i knew the moment i saw her for the first time, she was perfect. she has given me the greatest blessing i could ever dream. our emotions are running wild. today was a good day for kenzie. they have stopped doing testing on her which means less needle pricks. she slept a lot. she smiled. she waved her arms around. she saw the people she loves so much and who love her.
tomorrow we are asking for no visitors... ryan and i have been on such a wild roller coaster and we haven't been able to slow down long enough to really talk to each other about the choices we are needing to make. we are going to spend the day with makenzie. we want to do things to make her happy. we are going to give her a bath. we are going to buy her a balloon. we are going to play peek a boo. we are going to snuggle her best as possible. we are going to talk to her and ask her what she wants. her body has already made the decision to not be on this earth very long but i hope she can help ryan and i know what to do next and how much longer we can be blessed with her in our life. I'm scared at what she will want. I'm scared at what will happen because i don't want to make this decision. i don't want to be in this place. i want to be home, i want to hold my daughter, i want to play with her, i want to lay next to her. i don't want her to be hooked up to all these tubes, vents, needles... i wish our nightmare would end. i wish i could make this decision. i wish it wasn't this outcome.

10 comments:

Robin + Annie said...

kendra, i hope that you are getting all the texts and the messages that i have been leaving you. I know that you have a lot going on. and I don't want to take things personal because this whole experience is above either one of us. When you are ready I would like to come and see you guys. I know you have so much to think about and I respect the time that you need to do so. But of course I worry about you. I wish that I could be there for you guys and I know that there is not anything that I can say to even make this better or to make it go away. I dont know what you are feeling or what you are going through. but right now i eat, sleep and breathe your blog just grasping on for any new news that I can get. I would like to hear from you just to know that you are getting my messages. Annie thinks about you guys a lot and we love you all so much. please dont loose hope or faith. xoxo

TMI Tara said...

Oh Kendra, my heart is breaking for you. You have one of the purest and sweetest spirits of anyone I have ever known, and I can feel in your words how completely you love Kenzie. I wish you weren't faced with this heartache and these terrible decisions, but I know that you and Ryan will come together with Kenzie and make a decision that will bring peace. Just know that you are surrounded by angels who love and help you. You have family and friends who are here no matter what. Kenzie's big bright eyes are a testimony of her strong and courageous soul, and she inspires me just by being. I know you are enjoying every moment, and because of that, you are my hero. I love you and admire your strength!

Anonymous said...

Ryan and Kendra,
I just want you to know how special you both are to me and everyone in your life. My heart breaks for you both. Kenzie is such a lucky little girl to have been sent to parents like you. She is perfect as you have said, too perfect to be here on this earth with all of the troubles and fears that we are all facing today. She is the lucky one to be able to return to our Heavenly Father. You will be blessed for bringing her here on earth to receive her beautiful little body and you will be with her again someday. Your strength through all of this has taught me a lot and made me realize what is really important in life. Please know how much I love you and my prayers are with you everyday. I will contact you when need be and feel free to call me whenever you need too.
Love,
Loretta

FROGGITY! said...

i am thinking of you all and continually praying for you all.

KendraJane said...

I came across your blog today while I was "blog hopping", and saw that you had the same name as me. Now I sit in tears after reading your story. My heart goes out to you, Ryan and little Kenzie. Please know that a stranger out there will be praying for you!

Esther said...

She is absolutely perfect! I love the pictures you got of her, what a priceless treasure.
Your posts make me cry, but I'm thankful that you post a lot of your feelings. I have had a few friends lose their babies, and it's hard to know how it feels to have gone through that situation. I know you can't describe in words how difficult this is, but your words help me see some of the grief they went through.
I'm happy you appreciate everything about your precious little girl, she truly is perfect! I know you will get to raise her someday, I'm just praying it can still be in this life.

The Johnson Crew said...

May the Lord be with you and Ryan at this time. Take your time with your decisions, don't let the doctors pressure you. This is a life not just a bed space. We felt so pressured to make a decision and finally with us, Toni and our social worker we got the doctors to lay off and give us the time we needed.
I love your pictures! Her eyes are beautiful and I can tell she tells you stories with them.
I must of wrote down your email wrong because it came back to me, sorry.
You are in our prayers, we pray that you will have peace with whatever your decision is. If it is to trach and vent her we will help in anyway. If it is to let her go we will pray harder for you to get through this.

Enjoy your precious time with that beautiful, special angel.

Love
Gayle

Melanie Parker said...

Kendra and Ryan- you and your sweet baby have been on my mind since we spoke yesterday. My heart hurts for your little family and what you are going through. I wish you did not have to make the decision before you. Kenzie is beautiful and I love how you talk about her beautiful eyes. I pray you will be able to figure out what is right for you and your family. May our Heavenly Father bless you with what you all need at this time and moving forward. Please know you are in our prayers and we are hear to help in anyway.
Love The Parkers

Tristan said...

Your sweet baby is sooo beautiful and perfect!!! You are a good mom! It's okay to grieve. It doesn't mean that you love your child any less but sometimes we find that our expectations for them will never be met and it is difficult to come to terms with that. I know! I found your blog by blog hopping. When I read your story, I thought of an article that might help bring you a little peace and comfort if you have time to read it. Here's the link:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=883294bf3938b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

I will pray for you!

Mommy K said...

I came across your daughter's blog today and have since read much of her story. I, too, am a sucker for those sad stories of mothers and children and I also used to wonder how they survived such turmoil. My daughter was born Sept 24, 2009 and had a traumatic brain injury at birth. The last 8 months have been very challenging and we have had our moments of fearing for her life. Though our stories are not the same, nor are out children's conditions similar, my heart goes out to you and your family. Being 5 months since her death, I just wanted you to know you have someone praying for you and your heart and your grief. Your little one is adorable and I can see her sweetness through all the tubing and tape. I know that all too well myself. May God grant you peace and comfort and draw you nearer to Him through this tragedy. We don't have a testimony until we have a test, so use this for God's glory. In Christ,
Ashley

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