the day is done... we kept busy which kept my mind on things other than makenzie. our family was amazing, they showered us with so much love today. thank you everyone! we are home, ryan has gone to bed. we argued a bit tonight. i hate when we do that. tonight was the first night since makenzie was gone that when we fought i just wanted to be alone for a minute. when we used to have arguments i would take kenzie into her room and we would read. we would read until i realized how dumb we were being and ryan and i made up. tonight it hit me so hard. she isn't coming back. i don't have that little peace maker here with me. ahhh i miss her.
i missed her having her first Christmas, i miss her opening presents - playing in the wrapping paper, i miss her in my arms, i miss dreaming of her future with us. i miss her so much. my body hurts today. i hurt so much right now. i am having such a hard time just writing these words- my tears just keep coming so fast i cant even read what I'm writing. i want to run and scream. i have to keep taking a break to get a good cry out then i write another sentence. i have to just let it out right now, i cant always be rational and turn what is going on around me to be positive.
i want my baby. i want to hold her. this pain is so real, it hurts so bad. i am scared. i want to run. i need her and i cant even think about her not being here. i tell myself its not real but when i realize it is, i cry. its a horrible cry. it hurts. my eyes burn. i get this massive headache. i squeeze whatever is near- usually a pillow or her blanket. i hate that i cant hold her. i hate that everyday is one more day i haven't had her with me. i want to say the worst things to God for taking her away from me. i wish so much no one ever has to lose a child and i wish soo soo much that i didn't have to lose mine. i want her hands, feet, arms, elbows, neck, ears- every inch of her body back. my family has been great to get me out of bed and help me do something everyday but i honestly wish i could lay in bed and cry. i wish i could dream and dream of her. usually i don't dream of her when I'm sleeping, i hate that i cant control that. i dream of her when I'm awake. i dream of what we would be doing now. on Christmas eve night, i would have been jumping around all night begging ryan to let us get up so makenzie could open her presents. i wouldn't have let ryan or myself by each other gifts so that we could buy her more. i would have bought her a barbie. just because i was so excited to get her one. i already bought a Christmas book for her, some clothes, Christmas pj's and a toy. i wish i could watch her hold them. look at them. smile at them. i cant believe how bad i hurt. I'm angry. I'm so angry i couldn't raise makenzie. i sometimes ask God if he took her because i didn't love her enough, was i not going to be a good mom to her, did i do something in my past that he is punishing me for? i don't understand.
she is so amazing. i miss her eyes so much. i miss her nose. i miss kissing her lips.
i hate death. i hate that i had to bury my daughter. i hate that i will spend the rest of my life dreaming about her instead of holding her.
GOD- i promise i would have loved her every second of her life. i would have gone to the moon and back to protect her. i wouldn't have let anything happen to her. i would have kissed her everyday. i promise i would have given up everything to give her anything. those few months with her were amazing, i cant put into words how lucky we were to have them but i wish so much i could have more time. i wish she wouldn't have been sick. i wish she wouldn't have been in pain. i wish she wouldn't have had to struggle. i wish she wouldn't have had to grow up so fast.
God i promise i would have thanked you everyday for her. i wish so much i could wake up. i just want to go in her room and get her out of bed. i want to hold her and kiss her and just rock her. i want to feel her.
i feel like i cant breathe.
kenzie... oh baby i miss you. i miss you with every inch of my body. i pretend I'm holding you sometimes. i pretend I'm kissing you. i pretend I'm going to get you out of bed but i cant even go into your room. i worry about you. i worry your having a hard time without me. i was the only one who could always calm you down. i hope you don't get scared. i hope your not hurting. i hope you know how much i love you muffin. did you know i used to watch you sleep? did you know i used to look at you and was amazed everytime knowing you were mine? i didn't take you for granted. i never will. i wish i could have taught you more. i wish i could have helped you more. i wish i could have taken all your pain away. i hurt so much. its been 1 week and 1 day since i last saw your body, since i last felt your weight in my arms, since i last kissed your lips. oh makenzie i miss you. you are my everything. you changed my life more than you could ever understand. if you were here i would hold you, i would stay up all night and just look at you. i would stroke your face. i would play with your hair. i would kiss every inch of your body.
on dec. 13th after they took those tubes out of your mouth makenzie- i held you so tight. i held you over my shoulder, our favorite way. you just molded your body into mine. your arms were around me. you had grown so much. i wasn't able to hold you like that in a month. your legs dangled past my hips. your head snuggled under my chin. i didn't want to let you go. you kept getting colder. i wrapped you in a blanket, it helped a little. those last few moments of your life was the worst yet most peaceful feeling i have ever experienced in my life. i know you had some people in that room coming to take you from me but i didn't want to let you go. i kept thinking during the day, some miracle will happen and when they take that tube out she will breath on her own. i wish you would have. i wish it wasn't your time. i wish you were still here with me and your daddy. he got your hand prints today for Christmas, he cried. i cried. we miss you.
we went to see your grave today. the flowers have all died. we need to bring you new ones. did you get the balloons we sent you? we will keep sending them everyday for a while.
please come to see us tonight kenzie. i need to hold you. i need you to hold me. please be happy for mom and be loving life now. please be jumping on clouds, singing silly songs, swimming, sucking on suckers, blowing bubbles and spinning in circles.
**tonight's dream- at the beach. we need a get a way. we will play in the sand. build sand castles then jump into the waves. see you there.
i love you.