Thursday, December 17, 2009

funeral

i have the best family and friends in the world.
i cant believe how much support we received over the past 2 days. we feel so loved.
thank you everyone- you have no idea how much you all mean to us. im sorry if we didnt get to see and talk to you all much. im sorry if we seemed weird and not very talkative. we love each and everyone of you. everyone of you that came to the viewing and/or funeral and everyone of you that have sent your good thoughts and prayers.
i feel everything went amazing.
ill write more about what happened and how it went in more detail later. right now my heart hurts. i have felt i have been doing really good the last couple days. i got to hold my baby both days. it was amazing. i felt i was strong and held it together so i didnt cry on everyone's shoulders. after the funeral was over i still felt like i was going to be okay. we came home unpacked our pictures, her things, scrapbooks, plants, cards and flowers. i picked up my house. asked our very best friends to come over and bring us food :)
we watched a super cute movie.
it was half way through or toward the end of the movie i got a sudden rush of emotion. i dont know what happened to me but i felt like someone just punched me. i tried to hold it together until our dear friends went home. after they left i fell apart. i dont think i have ever cried so hard. it was the first time ryan cried that hard with me. we both just held each other. i think it was the first time both of us really realized our daughter is physically gone. her spirit lives but we will never be able to hold her again. our kisses will have to be blown to her. our hugs will be carried by the wind. we miss our baby. i know we are strong because we keep going and we are still breathing but tonight we didnt want to be strong. we got angry-
we wanted to hold makenzie. we wanted to see those eyes. we wanted to hear her cry.

oh kenzie, please come hold your parents tonight. we need you more than we have ever needed you before. we are still sleeping in the front room, on the floor, surrounded by your blankets. please wrap us in your arms. give us kisses. visit us in our dreams. both your daddy and i hated saying goodbye today. we still need you. i hope you know how much we love you.
*** kenzie, your dad has been extra strong for me. i know he is having a really hard time right now and will tomorrow, please help him through the day. give him lots of smiles, he misses them the most.

23 comments :

Anonymous said...

i can't get through one of your posts without shedding MANY tears for you and your family.
My heart literally ACHES for your loss and for your void. I am ALWAYS thinking about you when i hold my children.
You WILL get through this, YOU will see McKenzie again, and YOU will be blessed for this HARD trial you are going though.

I wish i knew you so i could come and give you the BIGGEST hug i have ever given anyone in my whole 32 years of life.

Sam and Julie said...

Kendra,
That was the most precious thing I have ever read in my entire life. I have never heard anyone ask the one that has passed to hold them, kiss them, love on them. What a beautiful and comforting sentiment.

No word seem right except to say that all my prayers go directly to Kenzie tonight to ask her to give you exactly what you need today and every day - lots of hugs, kisses and smiles.

All of us - even the ones that dont know you - send all our love your way.

Jenni said...

I thought of you so much today. You and Ryan are amazing parents! Your baby girl was so blessed to have you guys as parents.

Anonymous said...

Kendra. you need to know how amazing you and Ryan are as parents and just as people in general. the love that the 3 of you have for eachother is inspiring. you are an amazing person and an extraordinary mother. You have touched the lives of so many people and in so may ways. people that you have never met but feel like they know you, people that pray for you and your family all day several times a day. you and your family are so loved and cared for. please remember that if you need anything at all to please let me know. thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
your strength, love for eachother and your story is truly an inspiration.
Thank you again
Marcie

starnes family said...

Your strength is inspiring. Keep sticking together to get through this. We're all praying for you.

TMI Tara said...

The message I put on Kenzie's balloon was:

May you feel free from pain and sorrow and send those same feelings to your mommy and daddy.

I know she'll get our messages and send you what you need. She loves you so much.

TMI Tara said...

I'm going to send you a cd of songs that I hope might help you, but here are a few I wanted to share that you might listen to right away are:

The World Spins Madly On by The Weepies

Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Your Hands by JJ Heller

Esther said...

It was the most beautiful funeral I've ever been to. Also the most emotional for me, I've never cried as much as I did. I loved all of the things you said, and the video presentation was so sweet. I feel bad that I just missed the viewing, I got there when the doors were closing, I wanted to give you a big hug. I loved seeing all of Makenzie's pictures, and things you had on display. Thank you for sharing this sacred day with all of us.

Emma said...

I will be praying for you to feel Kenzie's arms around you, wrapping you in peace and love as you did, and continue to do, for her. Let yourself fall, let yourself grieve, feel angry, cry and sometimes even laugh at the memories of her sweet smile....it is all part of the process and you HAVE to let yourself go through all the emotions in order to keep going as you are.
Please don't apologize for not being "yourself"...you aren't the same person you were a week ago, and everyone understands that. When you are ready your family and friends will be there waiting, waiting to give you a hug, waiting to give you whatever you need....you take your time and go through this newest, and hardest, part of the journey. Please remember Kenzie is in Heaven, loved, happy, running and playing-although of course not what you imagine or want she is okay, and wants her Mommy and Daddy to be okay too....one day. Praying for you always, Emma

Anonymous said...

Dearest Kendra,
The services were amazing and so are Ryan and you. Makenzie touched more lives in her short time here than anyone could ever imagine. Please know that I am here for the both of you anytime you need to talk or have a shoulder to cry on,I will cry with you. Your family is in my thoughts every minute of the day. Take care of each other and keep Makenzie close to your hearts.
Love to you both,
Jamie Clark

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have just started following your blog and have found myself thinking about and praying for your family. May God comfort you both.

Crystal said...

Kendra,
My goodness, when I first heard about what happened I was blown away and my heart was broken. I have been out of town all week for work so I was not able to make it to the funeral. But I stayed up for hours reading your posts and just cried and cried... (got my make up all over the hotel beds nice white bedding). I cant even begin imagine what you are going through. Just from reading your posts I could feel how much love you had for Makenzie and how much she meant to you and how much you loved being a mother. I love how in many of your posts you say that everything happens for a reason, and you know there is a reason Makenzie came to you and your family. I absolutely believe that as well and think you are so amaizing for being so strong. Remeber all the things she has tought you and how she made you and your family grow so much. Know she is your angel now and forever. she will be there to guide and protect you. Call on her when you are in need and she will be there to comfort you and get you through tough times.

Love and Light

Mother 25 - 8 said...

Every time I read your posts I get a lump in my throat, my eyes start burn, and I just feel this rush of love for you and you family.
You will see Kenzie again. How parents lose their children without the knowledge that we have in the Gospel, I just don't know how they survive.
You know you'll see her again, it'll be on heck of a reunion! I find myself daydreaming about what she's doing on the other side. She just needed a family to be sealed to, to love her, and then jump right back to do whatever the Lord needed her to do.
May Kenzie hug you and Ryan as often as you need.

Anonymous said...

even though we don't know each other I can't believe the amount of emotion and love I feel for you and your sweet family. I linked to your blog through a common friend. Thank You for sharing your story, it humbles me and makes me so grateful for the Gospel.
I know that you will see your sweet McKenzie again. I pray that you are comforted in this time of sorrow, and that your burdens are lifted.
I know the Savior is never to far, and McKenzie is holding his hand.
I pray that the Lord will hold your sweet baby until you get to hold her again.

Devon said...

She isn't far. I know that. And I know you will hold her again. My heart has been broken for you guys...I wish there was something I could do.

LeMira said...

I know what you mean. The day after I buried my little girl was the hardest of my life. Harder than holding her and saying my good-byes; harder than being at the graveside and talking to everyone. Crying is such a big part of healing. I'm glad you have each other to lean on and support. You both need each other now more than ever. I hope that you can feel some peace today.

Anonymous said...

Kendra-
I have been thinking of you all day. And I kept saying to myself that you have been so strong and held it together so well. I think it is good that you are letting out your feelings. It is ok for you to cry and its ok for you to be angry and its ok for you to have so many emotions. You are so amazing to me and your words make me stonger. Your blog has made me realize how much love a mother really does have for her children. You are so amazing to me and I adore and admire your passion as a mother. Your daughter looked so beautiful yesterday and I just knew by looking at her how much she loved you and Ryan. I love you Love Kam

Katie Danner said...

Kendra, I just have to tell you how beautiful it was to be at the viewing on Wednesday night. It was truly a sacred experience, and such a sweet soul she has. I came home that night and cried for 45 minutes straight alone about the loss of your sweet baby. My heart is really reaching out to you- and I am sure that yesterday was just as beautiful. My prayers are with you right now. All my love,
Katie

sherry said...

Kendra and Ryan just know that all your family and friends love you and will always stand by you. You should feel the way you do right now. I know that time will heal a little bit of the pain. It will get better as you go on but you have a right to feel the way you do now. Grief is part of loving someone special.
Love always Aunt Sherry

Anonymous said...

As always you are MY amazing angel.
The letters you and Ryan read to Mckenzie were so sweet. I continue to thnk and pray for you both and that Mckenzie will be with you. I know she is. I see her little eyes all the time. I love you guys so much. Please hug each other tight. Love mom

Nana said...

Oh, dear Kendra my heart aches for you and Ryan. I have been thinking of you two so much the last few days. Tara has kept me posted. I feel so badly we could not be there for you. We were out of town for your wedding and now out of town for this. This was much more important. Tara told me the funeral was beautiful. That you and Ryan were so strong. This is a trial that you will not soon get over. Well you will never get over it, you will learn to live with it and go on with your life. She will never be forgotten and always with you. I truly believe you will know she is there. Hang in there. We will keep in touch.
Love,
Tami

~neti~ said...

I continue to pray for you and Ryan, for all of the comfort and peace the Lord can bestow upon you. I have no doubt that Kenzie is watching over all of you, patiently waiting for your reunion! Enjoying every balloon, hug and kiss that you send her way! You have an amazing spirit Kendra and you and Ryan are wonderful people and wonderful parents. I'm so sad I wasn't able to make it to the funeral but I'm sure everything was absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing your strength. Its like we all got to share a little part of your angel through your words. You're truly an inspiration.

Lots of love!

~neti

Stacey said...

You are incredibly strong and stronger than I think I could've been in your situation. It's okay to cry and break down. You've lost your precious baby. Most people never experience that in their lifetimes. Your strength is an inspiration to me. My heart just aches for you whenever I think about your family and what you have gone through. Just remember it's okay to cry. Tears can be the most healing thing sometimes.

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