Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Not being enough.

Why are we so hard on ourselves?
Why do we critic everything we do? When is whatever we do going to be good enough?
I am so many insecurities. I am constantly thinking how I should have done this or that or should be better at this... I do this daily. With just about everything I do.
I know a lot of my issues comes from my past. It was clearly told to us- very early on in life- that we were not good enough. We were dumb and worthless. For some reason I haven't ever been able to get those words out of my mind. Its as if I was formed around those words. Those word defined me very early on in life and I have become those words.
I have tried to not believe those words. I have tried to change my thinking. I could try harder. but with what I have done to try and change it- It hasn't changed.
I feel like those insecurities have kind of exploded lately.
Constantly feeling less than. Constantly trying to play catch up for those around me. Trying to be a better wife. A better Mom. A better friend and sister. A better neighbor. A better customer. A better cook and activity leader. A better party planner. A better financial planner. A better singer and dancer. The list goes on and on. I am constantly putting a new hat on my head of what I need to be better at. I then have to juggle all of those hats. Making sure they stay on just right, I don't have one tilt to one side to much or get dirty and heaven forbid I trip and they all fall.
The world that we live in now its very clear we are not good enough. We don't work out enough, we don't eat healthy enough, we don't play with our kids enough, we don't read to them enough, we don't brush their teeth enough, we don't call people in stead of text enough, we don't clean enough, we don't explore enough, we don't love enough, we don't take good enough pictures.
The last few months I have been critiquing myself to the death. I have not been good enough for anyone. It has really effected my marriage. Who I am as a Mom. How I view my friends and family.
I realized that its distorting my views on life. When someone says something to me I immediately feel like its an attack. Why? Its a simple comment. Why am I twisting their words? I hate when people do that to me. I am seeing the jealous bug creep up more and more. Why can't I stop and be thankful for what I do have. Yes there are a lot of things in life that I want. and to be honest I really only want a couple really bad right now. Yes they are big things like... another kid... but I can't do anymore than what I'm doing right now. So why be jealous? Why beat myself up that I am not good enough and that for some reason that's why its not happening?
I have let this take over me.
I have done this in the past. Its always been something I struggle with. but it comes in waves. I think this is the longest its had a really solid grip on me. I have never been in a place in my life where I was ever confident. That I felt I was good in that area. but I have been closer to that point at certain points in my life than at other times.
What kind of shook me up more recently is watching my son. Watching him experience life lately. Seeing what he is learning and how much he is soaking up. Our facial expressions, our attitude, our temperament. He is soaking it up faster today than he ever has. I was doing my normal avoiding looking in the mirror one day and I caught a glimpse of myself and than Tracker in the background. Its a weird vision to think of but that image stuck with me. I saw myself in the mirror and I knew what I told myself everyday. I then saw my child. That innocent little boy in the mirror who at this point in his life thinks he can do anything. That he is the strongest and bravest and smartest and cutest and funniest little thing to ever exist. and I nearly lost it thinking of him ever talking to himself the way I talk to myself.
So over the last few days I have been trying to make a change. To say something nice to myself every time I look in the mirror.
eeehhh... Its hard. There is so many more harsh comments I can make than good ones.
and the entire time I say something good I am thinking I am boosting myself too much and that no one else probably thinks that of me.
HELLO! Why is this? Why have I let 28 years go by feeling this way?
I would never want someone else to feel this. I would want to sit them down and tell them a million good things about them. So why is it so hard for me to say 1 good thing about myself?
This will be an ongoing battle. Something I have to train myself not to do.
but I have to do it.


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