i know those of you who have lost someone you see even though your world has stopped the rest of the world keeps going. people still cut other off in traffic, they still are rude when you accidentally bump into them at the store, they still look at you like your a gross bum when you come into their fancy high end store thinking you could never buy anything in there. yeah that's still the world we all live in. today was a very up and down day. this morning was okay, ryan and i couldn't go upstairs so we slept on the couch when we finally fell asleep after 3 am. we woke up, i went to my sisters to make kenzie's picture slide show thing for the funeral. it was nice to be with her and her beautiful girls and my mom. after we got it done we watched it and cried. i miss my baby. ryan and i then had to run to the mortuary to get some last minute things figured out. they asked if i wanted to see makenzie. of course i had to say yes. I'm glad i did but it was horribly painful. i held her. i rocked her. i sobbed all over her. we donated her heart valves. i wasn't prepared to see the scar it makes. i wish i wouldn't have seen that. she looked perfect though. i rubbed her head, kissed her face, held her feet and hands and just wished i could take her home. ryan is being so strong, i wish i could be a bit stronger. I'm okay at times but crumble the next. after i finally let her go promising i would be back tomorrow we tried to find the perfect outfit to put her in. i had this idea in my head but i couldn't find it anywhere! we went all over the city. we stopped to get ryan and new suit, he looks great in it. we finally found this cute baby store on 9th and 9th. yes i walked in with my hair in disarray because i don't have the strength to wash it let alone do anything with it. i had mis-match clothes because i really don't care what i look like i just don't want to think about that. the little makeup i had on today was smeared across the side of my face because i cried it all over my daughters body just hours before. anyway after we walked past the great people who gave us dirty looks and didn't say 2 words to us we found some beautiful clothes. we found this dress and sweater that sent chills down both mine and ryans spine. it was amazing. it was nothing like i pictured what i wanted her to wear, it was so much better. we bought the crazy expensive outfit from the crazy mean people and walked out feeling a little better knowing we found something great for her. we are not home. before i came home my sisters and ryan put all of makenzie's things in her room. her pictures are all still out but her toys are put away. i cant look at them. i cant think about them. i cant even look at anyone else's blog. I'm sorry to all of you, i wish i could feel differently but right now i cant. I'm not mad or jealous it just makes me think of my daughter. it brings back the reality that she is not here. it just hurts so much right now I'm trying just to get through my days.
tomorrow is the viewing. ryan and i are going early to help dress her. i want to hold her. i want to feel her again. her spirit is gone and i know that but i still feel a little comfort holding her tiny body. i get comfort knowing i will see her again, i get comfort knowing she is free and happy in heaven but it doesn't fill that hole in my body. it doesn't take a load off my chest. i just want my baby. i want makenzie. i want that perfect life i lead a month ago.
thanks again everyone for all your love and support. it means so much to ryan and i. we love you all.