Tuesday, December 15, 2009

2 days

i know those of you who have lost someone you see even though your world has stopped the rest of the world keeps going. people still cut other off in traffic, they still are rude when you accidentally bump into them at the store, they still look at you like your a gross bum when you come into their fancy high end store thinking you could never buy anything in there. yeah that's still the world we all live in. today was a very up and down day. this morning was okay, ryan and i couldn't go upstairs so we slept on the couch when we finally fell asleep after 3 am. we woke up, i went to my sisters to make kenzie's picture slide show thing for the funeral. it was nice to be with her and her beautiful girls and my mom. after we got it done we watched it and cried. i miss my baby. ryan and i then had to run to the mortuary to get some last minute things figured out. they asked if i wanted to see makenzie. of course i had to say yes. I'm glad i did but it was horribly painful. i held her. i rocked her. i sobbed all over her. we donated her heart valves. i wasn't prepared to see the scar it makes. i wish i wouldn't have seen that. she looked perfect though. i rubbed her head, kissed her face, held her feet and hands and just wished i could take her home. ryan is being so strong, i wish i could be a bit stronger. I'm okay at times but crumble the next. after i finally let her go promising i would be back tomorrow we tried to find the perfect outfit to put her in. i had this idea in my head but i couldn't find it anywhere! we went all over the city. we stopped to get ryan and new suit, he looks great in it. we finally found this cute baby store on 9th and 9th. yes i walked in with my hair in disarray because i don't have the strength to wash it let alone do anything with it. i had mis-match clothes because i really don't care what i look like i just don't want to think about that. the little makeup i had on today was smeared across the side of my face because i cried it all over my daughters body just hours before. anyway after we walked past the great people who gave us dirty looks and didn't say 2 words to us we found some beautiful clothes. we found this dress and sweater that sent chills down both mine and ryans spine. it was amazing. it was nothing like i pictured what i wanted her to wear, it was so much better. we bought the crazy expensive outfit from the crazy mean people and walked out feeling a little better knowing we found something great for her. we are not home. before i came home my sisters and ryan put all of makenzie's things in her room. her pictures are all still out but her toys are put away. i cant look at them. i cant think about them. i cant even look at anyone else's blog. I'm sorry to all of you, i wish i could feel differently but right now i cant. I'm not mad or jealous it just makes me think of my daughter. it brings back the reality that she is not here. it just hurts so much right now I'm trying just to get through my days.
tomorrow is the viewing. ryan and i are going early to help dress her. i want to hold her. i want to feel her again. her spirit is gone and i know that but i still feel a little comfort holding her tiny body. i get comfort knowing i will see her again, i get comfort knowing she is free and happy in heaven but it doesn't fill that hole in my body. it doesn't take a load off my chest. i just want my baby. i want makenzie. i want that perfect life i lead a month ago.
thanks again everyone for all your love and support. it means so much to ryan and i. we love you all.

37 comments:

Emma said...

You ARE strong...don't ever doubt that. I said before and I will again, it isn't not falling to your knees that makes you strong it is getting back to your feet, putting them one in front of another that is the strength. I am so glad you found an outfit you love for Kenzie, I know that is something so important. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, and although there are so many people sharing in your pain I know it doesn't ease it....but keep reminding yourself of all the love and prayers there are being sent for you...and that your sweet Angel is always with you. Hold her tomorrow, hug her, and feel her weight in your arms....and let yourself deal in whatever way you need to. Hold tight to one another, your baby girl would wnat to see her Mommy and Daddy holding tight to one another. Hugs, Emma

crissy said...

i am so sorry. i dont even know you but my heart is breaking for you. i will be praying for you and your family.

malory said...

This is so heart wrenching. Every time I read what you write I can't help but to cry. You are so amazing and I'm so glad you have Ryan there with you being as strong as he can be for you. So many people love you and your precious little kenzie and you have changed the way so many people look at life, myself included. Thank you for that. Call/text/email me, anything you need, anytime of day or night ill be here. 801-425-7866 malorydrage@gmail.com

Alerie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gaspegirl said...

As you prepare for the showing and go through the process of living know that the people who matter understand. These people know that time is cruelly standing still and that it hurts just to breathe sometimes. The people who matter will be there for you when you are ready to reach out, they will be there for you even when you are not... waiting for you to come around. Take your time, go through the motions and lean on those people who you feel the most comfortable with and when you are ready you will be able to begin to adapt to your new life. Hugs and prayers are still be sent to you from one of your virtual friends in Canada. I wish I could be there for you somehow...

Mother 25 - 8 said...

I never know what to say, but I wanted to say SOMETHING. Every December 13, my kids and I will send balloons to Kenzie. Your family, you, your story, you're all reminders to me of the great plan of salvation and gratitude for what we are given. I pray for you and Ryan. I pray that as Heavenly Father watches Kenzie run, jump, play, probably even teaching the many spirits that these wars are sending over to the other side, I pray that while Kenzie's busy doing the things she loves to do, that Heavenly Father will hold you in His arms as you and Ryan continue your mortal journeys.
You are greatly loved by many you don't know. I so admire your strength.

Laura Garrett said...

I don't know you but have been following you blog for the past couple weeks. I have cried for your family every day. My heart is breaking along side you. I am so sorry.

Laura G

Lisa said...

I'm just a stranger. There really aren't any words I can say that I know will comfort you. But so many love you and are supporting you and are there for you while you walk this very difficult road. I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you both a hug. But I can't. So, I will pray...I will pray hard for your family. My heart just aches for you.

Stacey said...

I'm so glad you and Ryan are going to dress her. We dressed my brother and it was one of the most healing experiences we could have had and helped us heal just a little bit. It's like the one last caring thing you can do for your loved one. I know it's nothing like losing a child and I can't even imagine the heart ache you are going through right now, but I feel like I understand a fraction of the pain you are going through and I am so incredibly sorry for that. You are so strong and what a loving mom. I don't think Kenzie could've asked for better parents. I am still praying for you and ask that God sends his ministering angels to help comfort you while you are going through all of this.

KendraJane said...

I find your strength amazing - I find your pain heartbreaking. My family will be sending up a balloon to Kenzie tomorrow morning.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you are having to live through the loss of your Makenzie. Her spirit will ride on in your hearts, but I know that the here and now is quite painful.

Esther said...

I think about you all the time, and pray for you all day. I asked my blog readers to pray for you too. I hope Makenzie will lift you through this. I know she loves you so much, and she will always be watching over you.

Beth Curtis said...

I heard about your sweet family from my friend Molly's blog. My heart goes out to your family. I myself have a 4 month old son and couldn't imagine life with out him. How brave you are. I am crying right now reading your post. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you know that there are people around the country thinking about you.

Robin + Annie said...

Even though you are not reading other people's blogs I hope that you are still reading the comments that people are leaving you. In a sense you are right about the things that you say when it comes to loosing someone. But no matter how many other people you meet that have experienced the loss of a loved one. It still does not feel like they can relate. The pain that you and Ryan are experiencing is different what what anyone else is going to experience. You have every right to be mad, upset, anyry and hurt. And no matter what I tell you or how many times I tell you that I am sorry for your loss it never feels like it helps. That is ok and that is normal. You are an amazing person you and Ryan both are amazing parents. You have been through so much in your life already and you know what your strength is capable of. You can move mountains. Although the loss of Kenzie is hard for other people as well.. you are Ryan are allowed to be the most hurt and the most upset. Even though it does not seem fair, you guys were given Kenzie for a reason and although I am not a religious person god gave you guys that entire experience for a reason. Look... you guys were the lucky ones that got to share her life with her. And as I was reading over all your blogs in the short time that she was with you. You guys did a lot with her and took her on a lot of adventures. Let me know again if you need anything. I will be there tonight and again tomorrow!

chelsieaw said...

Kendra,

I think about the pain you are going through every day and am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband to help you through this time. I know together you will both get through this difficult time in your lives. Kenzie is an amazing angel to perfect for this world and although we do not understand gods plan he does indeed have one for each of us. And one day you will be able to be with her again and hold in your arms because forever is not just limited to time on earth but goes much further than that. Kenzie chose the most perfect parents for her short time on earth. Please know she will be watching over you and Ryan always until you meet again.

God Bless you both.
Much love, Chelsie Knighton

Anonymous said...

You are truly amazing. Every since I have followed your blog I've been wrapped up in it. I cannot believe what you are going through. I cannot even imagine the pain. I cry every time I read a post. Every time I let a balloon go, I will think of your family and Kenzie. She is absolutly BEAUTIFUL and was too perfect for this crazy world. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your strength amazes me. You are an amazing woman!

Sarah said...

I am a friend of Molly Jones (photographer). I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

What a terribly hard thing to go through. My heart aches for you.

You are a wonderful writer and I love reading your posts about your beautiful baby girl. Thanks for sharing.

I love the picture that molly took of you and Kenzie. It is like the light of heaven is shinning down between the two of you.

Loves.

Anonymous said...

I have never felt so close to someone I don't even know. For some reason I was drawn to your blog. I read your blog and just cry. I cry for you and your family. I can't imagine what you are going through. I pray that you feel comfort. Know that you will see your beautiful daughter again. You will get to hold her and love her. She will be waiting for you. She is in a better place and free form this world. She isn't hurting any more and in the arms of our heavenly father. I will forever think of you and your strength. You are a strong woman. God bless

starnes family said...

I'm glad you found the perfect outfit, despite the world's ugliness right now. It shows your strength and your spirit and your love for each other....to push through and reach your goal.

I'll be praying for you.

Stacy said...

Kendra & Ryan -

My family will be praying for your family tomorrow, and thinking about Kenzie. Please find just a small sliver of strength and peace in knowing there are so many people across the miles that you don't even know that are praying for you. You will never know how many lives the three of you have touched. I found your blog through KendraJane, and many more have found you through me. We are all followers, believers, and will be praying for you and your family.

Christine said...

You are in our prayers... you are so strong and I am so sorry for your loss! I wish I knew something to say or do that was comforting but I really can't imagine how hard what you are going through is. Keep strong to your faith, I think the only thing that would get me through would be my heavenly father.

Sarah said...

My heart just breaks for you and your family. My love, prayers and tears fall for you. May Heavenly Father send you peace and healing.

Shari and Rhandie Uban said...

I am so sorry for your loss, she is a beautiful little girl. You both are so amazing and so strong, its so wonderful to see what awesome parents little Kenzie has. Keep helping eachother through the pain and know that she will forever be your angel in heaven. If you need anything please let us know. Shari and Rhandie Uban 801-252-0561. We will pray for you and your family!

Tisha and Mark said...

I read about you on my good friend Michelle's Twilley blog. You are in my heart and prayers. I scrolled through to read other posts and feel connected to you! :) Words can't say how I feel for you and your family. I sent your blog to a woman I know who recently lost her son and know she has found comfort in your postings and you aren't alone- people are right there with you as is our Lord and Savior. Stay strong and carry on! :) All our love!

Sabrina Gonzales said...

I am so sorry Kendra, and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you and Ryan are in. I know you can get through this. You are incredibly strong and brave. My thoughts are with you guys all of the time.

With love and peace, Sabrina

Anonymous said...

You don't know me but I've been following your blog. You are constantly on my mind. I pray for you many times during the day and wish there was something I could do. Your daughter is beautiful and with her Heavenly Father. I wish you and your husband the best. I will continue to pray for you

FROGGITY! said...

first off let me say thank you from the bottom of our hearts for donating life. you have truly helped someone even in your time of crisis... you will be blessed for that... i am sure of it.

don't worry about those mean boutique people. they don't know what you're dealing with and they have no business being mean anyhow. i am glad you found an outfit even if they were rude. i am so glad you have a good support system in your family, that is important.

don't you dare worry about visiting blogs right now! you take time to breathe and do the things you need to do.

i have been praying for you incessantly. you're on my short list of important prayers. God bless you and give you peace in this time. and God bless your darling angel, i know you are aching for her... she'll always be with you.

TMI Tara said...

I love the Children's Place on 9th and 9th, but they are out right mean, there's no question about that. I know several of the owners' family and trust me, they're mean. But man do they have cute stuff in their store. I'm sure Kenzie will look beautiful. I'm sorry, Kendra, you are going through this. But you ARE strong. So much stronger than you realize. You amaze me. I love you.

Kaija said...

Dear Webster Family, I am a nurse to an SMA child. I think you met his mom, Jody at PCMC. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. What a beautiful spirit you were blessed with. How lucky that YOU were chosen to care for her during her short stay on earth. I am sure she is on the other side being a light to others, just like she was here. May you feel comfort and peace. Know you are in many people's thoughts and prayers.

♥ Stephan & Michelle ♥ said...

Kendra,
I feel so horrible terrible, and feel like I will never forgive myself. I havent been on blogger since last Friday. And I get on here now to read this and to know what happpened, and that the viewing is getting ready to go on, and Stephan is at work with the car (which we only have one car). I literally called him and begged him to come home and drive me. But offessly he cant. WE Will both be their tomorrow! I am so so so sorry Kendra and Ryan. I wish that I could seriously take my life so that you guys wouldnt feel this pain. I cant even type my hands are shaking. In September Stephan and I had a miscarriage. And I know this pain doesnt even compare to yours and Ryans right now. But I want you to know that in some small way I understand, . And I wish I could do something to help you guys. Anything seriously laundry, dishes, a hug anything please dont me afaird to email me and all give you my cell from there mickeybree@yahoo.com

I know one thing that heaven has another beautfiul wonderful angel right now added. And even though its hard to see Makenzie is watching over you guys!

Bekah said...

I don't know you, but over the last week or so I have been reading your blog. Your story has touched my heart, and I have fallen in love with your little girl even though we have never met. When I read your blog it brings me to tears. You are an inspiration to me. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I can tell by reading your blog that you have a wonderful spirit, and so much courage and strength. Makenzie was so lucky to have you and Ryan as parents, and now you will have her as your angel watching over you. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Devon said...

Enveloping you in love. I wish to heaven I could do more. Dakin got a balloon blower upper for Christmas--when he unwraps it, we will be sending up a balloon for Kenzie.

Jenni said...

Oh my goodness Sweatheart. I have spent the past 2 hours reading over your blog after my friend Esther made a post about "Please pray for my friends". I can't stop the tears from coming. I hope you KNOW, with everything in you, that your little angel is looking down upon you, RIGHT NOW, comforted by the arms of the Savior. Oh, my heart aches for you. So bad. I just had a D&C after miscarrying twins, 9.5 weeks along. I feel so ashamed to have been so sad with what you were experiencing. You are in my prayers. Right now! Oh, heaven bless you and your sweet Ryan. Here's a big hug from Riverton. Hope you feel it. So, so sorry!!!

Devon and Josh said...

Kendra,

It has been a while since I have seen you; I am a friend of Amy's. The last time I saw you, you were a little girl living in the house on 9th west. Ever since Amy told me about what was going on I have been following your blog. I am so broken hearted for you & Ryan. Please know that you have been in my prayers, as well as the prayers of my mom's group at church. I don't have anything else to say, but that I am so very sorry. You are loved by many... I hope that love carries you through this awful time.

LeMira said...

We have not met, and we may never meet. I'm one of Esther's blog readers, and now I can say that I've been one of yours. My prayers are with you and your husband and your family. There are many lifting you. You can probably feel it.

The days, like today, where everything is a blur, are difficult. They will be difficult for a long time, and it's okay that they're difficult. I promise you that ONE day they won't be so hard. I can't tell you when that day is because it's different for every grieving mommy. But I know that ONE day it will be better because one day it was better for me.

You are loved by more than you know, and your sweet angel Makenzie is saving a place for you. God Bless!

Becky said...

Praying for you! There are no words to express, but know that you are dearly loved by so many. Aren't we grateful for the knowledge that we WILL be together...forever. She'll be waiting...

Marcia said...

you don't know me, but i wanted to send my love to you anyway. kenzie -- a beautiful little girl.

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