Sunday, May 24, 2015


There is nothing in my life that I love more than being a Mom. 
Since I can remember, I have always dreamed, wished and talked about the day I would be a Mom.
Since my very first Mothers day- being a Mom but unfortunately without a baby in my arms... 
I always thought of that day more as Makenzies day. She is the one who made me a Mom. She is the very first person I have ever fallen in love with on that level. The moment she was born will forever be tattooed in my mind. The greatest moment in my life. She was mine and we needed each other more than we could have ever imagined. 
When Tracker was born I never dreamed how much more my heart could love. Day after day I am proven wrong that I couldn't love him anymore. How is this possible? I still can't understand it. 
My babies are my happiness, my hope, my future, my smiles & my focus. 
Everyday I strive to be better for them. Both of them. How can I be a better Mom to Tracker here. How can prepare myself to be a better Mom for Makenzie when I can see her again.
I am honored to have been chosen to bring them into this world.
Mothers Day is just a reminder how blessed I am. 
That I am lucky. 
My arms & my heart is full. 
Happy Mothers Day.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Not an easy topic.

This blogs main purpose has always been to document our day to day life for my family. To keep family that is not near up to date on what we are doing, all so I can print it into a blog book. My online scrapbook if you will. It became a huge support for me and a way to connect with other people when Makenzie was sick and after she died. Its been a journal of my deepest darkest days at times and other times its just been a summary of our daily life.
Other than mentioning it a few times I have been very vague about certain aspects in my past. I am open about it but haven't felt the need to write about it. Not because I don't think its important or its not a big deal but because its hard. Its a part of my life I try to avoid at all costs. Pushing it out of my mind. Not thinking about it and rarely talking about it. but it still effects so much about me every single day. There is a lot of hurt.

I started to write about these parts of my life. HERE.
I wrote 2 posts last year. Shortly after my dad killed himself.
I wrote a small amount. Then I had to back away from writing it. Something about writing about that part of my life has been harder than writing about anything else. Including the death of Makenzie.
This past year has been the absolute worst year with it came to dealing with my flashbacks, fears, anxiety & trying to remember.
It was this past year when going to a new counselor that I was diagnosed with PTSD.
I am sibling #3 who has been clinically diagnosed with this.
Part of having PTSD, my defense mechanism, is to completely block out memories.
Block them out so well that even if I try, I can't remember. I have been doing this for most of my life. I have gotten really good at it. Blocking out life. Blocking out memories. Good and bad.
but then they come out.
Sometimes through triggers or being in certain situations or talking to certain people or reading certain words or they have even come out when I'm sitting and doing nothing. They can come out of nowhere. and when they come they completely consume me. They take over every thought and feeling and emotion and its on me thick. I can't get it off me. The smells and flashbacks and the images that replay in my mind. The feelings that creep over my body.
What is even worse than those flashbacks. Is having flashbacks with no memory.
Its being so numbingly terrified about something and having no clue why. Its having anger outbursts and not being able to explain it. Its having irrational thoughts and not being able to stop it because you don't know where its coming from.
My defense mechanism has kept me here. Alive. and a functioning person for nearly 28 years.
Up until last year- I was okay to just not think about my past. To not acknowledge the details in what happened and almost accept the things I didn't remember. I could block out the past and focus only on the present.
but when my dad killed himself last May. Something in me changed. I was no longer able to keep all of that away. It came at me like a broken dam and has continued to nearly drown me since.
Trying to understand. The triggers. The fears. The wondering. The questions. The flashbacks. The overwhelming sadness. The betrayal. The worry. The daily struggle to feel like I am worth it.
I mentioned in my other 2 posts about some of the abuse.
The words he would say to me. Those are things that I haven't ever been able to block out of my mind. Those are words that replay in my mind daily. Words that kick me to the ground and stomp on me until I can no longer breath. Words of being worthless, discussing, unlovable, dirty, stupid.
Those words are my daily fight and always have been.
but this past year- more than ever- instead of once in a while- its been nearly every single touch.
I freeze.
The way my husband not only interacts with my son. but every single touch he gives me.
The way he will look at me sometimes or a word he might say.
ALL COMPLETELY INNOCENT. Will make my body freeze. I get numb and my breathing gets heavy. My body feels limp and I shake. When this all started is when I nearly RAN into a counselors office. I needed HELP. I feel fortunate enough to not be afraid to seek professional help about this. because for me. Its not about me. Its about my husband and that sweet little boy who I will be damned to let experience an ounce of what my life was.
So through professional help I am trying to figure this out.
The only way to get help with PTSD is to talk through it. Its going to get worse before it gets better and I am here to say its gotten a lot worse. but I know I will get better.

Why am I here once again after nearly a year writing about this?
because its now time for me to speak up and stop being silent.
My struggle is far from over. but the ABUSE is done.
I feel its my duty not only as a victim but as a human being to start talking about this issue.
Its uncomfortable. Its awkward. Its not a fun topic. I get it. I am living it. BUT we as a society need to stop keeping our heads buried in the ground and we need to start doing MORE.
Its not just about you and whats going on in your home. Which by the way most abuse is done by someone you know and trust! but we as a society need to start looking out for one another.
Stop being so afraid to say something. YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE!

Its taken me a long time to feel strong enough to write this post and share it.
I understand and I am with you that this is a very HARD and UNCOMFORTABLE topic.

What did abuse look like in my life?
It was my father.
The man that was suppose to be my protector.
The man who was respected.
The man who was educated.
The man who the outside world thought was a great man.
The man who people trusted.
The man who was active in church.
He was the man who everyone let their kids come over for sleepovers.
He was the man who knew how to talk to people and make everyone else feel dumb.
He was the man who over the span of DECADES
OVER 30 girls.

This should have been stopped long ago.
We need to all learn the signs.
We need to learn how to talk to our own kids and friends of our kids and neighbors and other family members. We need to learn what to do when we suspect abuse. We need to educate ourselves.
We need to learn how we can speak up.
I will be posting more.
Posting about the warning signs, tips on if you suspect abuse and how to do everything you can to protect your own family. Ill continue to tell my story. I hope to help educate others. To make this topic one that isn't so off limits.
Trust me, this will not be easy for me.
but I feel its needed.
Something to think about...

1 in 4 GIRLS
1 in 6 BOYS


Monday, May 11, 2015


We love bowling. Tracker LOVES bowling. We tried to get him his own lane but they said they were too busy-- even though both lanes on either side of us were empty the entire time we were there. Oh well. This was the first time he got his own pair of shoes which were so cute I almost put them in my purse to keep forever. We payed 2 games but Track could have stayed for hours more. He picked a blue ball which was 11lbs! He would grab his ball, throw it down the lane, stand there intently watching his ball, jump up and down and throw his hands in the air saying "I did it" after the pins would fall. He then would RUN back to where the ball comes back to you, holding his hands waiting for it to come back. Ryan and I pretty much went 1 of our 2 turns since Tracker just couldn't wait his turn. He had so much energy the entire time and was soo happy. He cried when we took his shoes off and said "No I love my bowden ball!"
We saw they had an arcade as we were leaving and decided to just blow $30 and let Tracker play. Funny thing is the very first game he played he won the jackpot TWICE! So right off the bat he had 2000 tickets. It took forever for us to use the rest of the $30 in tokens. 
After we were finally done he was able to walk away with a TON of crap. and he couldn't be any happier. It was such a fun day!

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Tracker Kent 31 & 32 months

Favorite Foods: Fish Crackers, Mac n' Cheese, Spaghetti, Cupcakes, Cheetos.
Favorite Book: Counting book. 
Favorite Toy: Planes, Trains and Cars. Balls.
Injuries: Ryan accidentally hit him in the lip with a shovel. He smacked his eye on a bucket of rocks, stepped on a plastic toy which broke and cut the bottom of his foot pretty good. Stood in broken ceramic after his piggy bank broke and again cut up his feet. 
Height: 38" Weight: 38 lbs

.He likes to call Ryan and I by our first names esp. while we are out in public. I never realized until now how much I love that my name is Mommy. I never ever want another title. I never want another name. and I wish so much I could have heard his sister say that word.
.He still calls Aunt Jill "Grandma" and since Harley's name is Harley Jill Michelle Webster he has started calling her Harley Grandma Michelle Webster. Seriously so funny!
.Becoming more obsessed with Lightning McQueen and Planes.
.Loves legos.
.Loves books.
.Is the best at singing time and acts everything out. Ill catch him singing all the songs randomly throughout the day.
.Can count to 20 but has suddenly forgot 5 & 15. He can count by 10's to 100 but again forgets 50. So strange those 5 numbers are tricky.
.Counts backward from 10 & doesn't forget 5. haha.
.Loves his daily bike ride.
.Is still clumsy as ever and falls ALL THE TIME.
.Will not sit down when he has a "stinky boot" and will come to us, plug his nose and say "oh mommy I have a stinky boot-- pee-youwee" while waving the other hand in front of his face like he is waving the smell away. I die laughing each time.
.Loves his friends so much and asks for each of them first thing in the morning.
.Loved having his cousin Easton here for a long weekend. They turned into the best of friends.
.Is obsessed with his fishing pole. Will sit at the end of the bed or we will fill a bucket with water outside and he will cast, wait and reel it back over and over for hours. Seriously HOURS.
.Basketball is by far his favorite thing in his life. Everything is all about basketballs or "bacaball".
.He watched Easton go potty while he was here and after went up to the potty stood like Easton did but said "oh no, I don't have one".
.Loves going running in the evenings with Ryan & I. He will eat a snack or 2 and just relax for however long we are gone.
.Whenever he does something new he will say "I did it, look at me, I did it myself!"
.He is all about taking turns and making sure everyone is taking their turn in the right order.
.He doesn't like when the other kids can run faster than him. He gets so frustrated. He stops and crys and yells. I am trying everything to help him understand its okay if someone else is first and we take turns and he just has to run faster but his 2 year old mind doesn't get it and he is just mad. Its so sad to see.
.Requests cereals for breakfast every morning and eggs for dinner every night.
.Has been sleeping with this hard toy turtle names Chester Bob (Ryan and him named it) as well as this tiny nemo toy that he found on clearance at target and threw the biggest fit when I tried to put it back. because its a cat toy... but I got it and he absolutely loves that thing.
.Is still saying "I can't do it" but saying it a lot less since Ryan and I have been all over him saying that. Something we both cringe at. Sounds silly but for some reason we both don't ever want him to say it. He can do ANYTHING!
.In complete control over what shoes he wears everyday. Sometimes resulting in cowboy boots and shorts which somehow work for him.
.Is a bit of a control freak like his mama. Knows where every single toy goes and will get so upset if one of the other kids puts something away wrong.
.When we get home from anywhere in the car or even on a walk he screams "WE HOME".
.Knows his sisters whole name.
.Knows Harleys whole name.
.Out of the blue came up to me and said... "Kenzie Rye Websta wif Jesus and Dnette and Papa Kent. She has bawoons and bubble all day. My baby sis. She my baby sis" You could say I balled like a baby the rest of the day.
.His obsession with Paisley has grown. He will hold her hand when I do her hair in the morning and has to smooch her face about a dozen times even before breakfast. He wants to be where she is and if she is sad he is so concerned. He asks about her all the time and is unhappy any morning she isn't here. 
.Happiest when he is home. Will fight me when we are leaving the house saying "No Mama, I wanna stay here. My home!" once we are out of the house he is fine but asks a few times "we go home now?"
.When the sun is shinning through the window in his eyes he will say "oh the sun awake"
.Despite the fact that he won't watch the movie Finding Nemo because its "scawee" he is obsessed with finding Nemo and Dori at the pet store, which we visit at least once a week if not more. Its honestly better than anything in his eyes. He freaks out when he sees the Petco sign and we have to RUN into the store. He runs right to the fish and could stay there all day if I let him. He finds Nemo right away every time and then walks around "but wheres Dori" until he finds a Dori. Then he is happy and just watches them. Tells me all their colors. Finds the fish with "BIG EYE" and screams when its time to go. I have debated about getting a fish every single time we go but I think the fascination might wear off if we have one at home. and it also means I have to take care of it and the only thing I kill faster than a plant is a fish so I feel its in the best interest of everyone involved if we leave it at the pet store. 
.He has a couple chores everyday (yes we have started him early) anyway- one of them is he feeds Harley. Its so funny to watch him do it because he is so serious about it. Plus the food bucket is huge compared to him and he has to pretty much climb in it.
.Can now spell his name, we are working on writing it but I know that will take a bit longer. "T-R-A-C-K-E-R spells Twacker"
.He still can't quite draw a person yet. He has all the parts but doesn't connect them together. Arms are coming out the head and legs are at the bottom of the page not connected to the body and ears are in the corner. Its pretty funny to see him try.
.Asks every single day if we are going to Mickeys house today?
.Loved our visit to Utah even though we didn't go for the best reasons and it was very last minute.
.He watched one movie on the drive there and slept for a total of 30 minutes. He is getting better and better at traveling long distances. 
.He asks to go swimming everyday. We can't wait for summer and to set up our pool.
.Ask for his oils to be put on. Its pretty funny.
.He had a bad stomach virus which left him puking and diarrhea for 4 days straight and not eating or drinking much. It was constant- like he puked twice and I had to change his bum just while waiting for his doctor. He was miserable and so was I. His doc gave him a shot to get him to stop throwing up which worked immediately. It took another few days for everything else to clear up before he was back to normal. One of the essential oils I used while he was sick for his belly he would ask for almost every hour because it was giving him such relief. Of course Ryan and I both had it a bit as well.
.He has been asking for a baby constantly. He started out saying he wanted a baby and when I said but the baby will grow in Mums tummy he would argue and say "No my tummy" after he finally was okay with me having the baby in my tummy he still wouldn't give up that it was his baby and not just a brother or sister. Its been so funny to see him have a sudden interest. He wanted a boy for a while then changed his mind to a sister. He is certain if we have a baby it will be a GIRL. Sure wish I could grant that kid his wish.
.He will wrap his arms around my neck several times a day and vigorously kiss me. His teeth are clenched and he pretty much head butts me. It can be a bit painful but I seriously love it so much.
.He loves helping me around the house. Always by my side and does more and more things I ask him to do.
.He will tell us all the time what is ours or someone else's... "Daddy thats your chair, Mommy thats your couch. Daddy thats not your cup (if its the wrong color)..." With everything he will do this.
.Loves to excersise. He will ask me to ask him to do a jumping jack or push up. "Mom say jumpin jacks... Mom say pushes" then ill tell him what to do and he will do it and laugh and laugh each time.


Related Posts with Thumbnails