we spent this weekend just the 2 of us. we got away for a night and tried to get our minds off everything going on around us. of course it didn't work. we had a great time being together and stayed at an awesome place but our minds kept going back to the same thing.
i think what gets so hard is the smallest thing will bring up thoughts, feelings and memories. as i went to pay for our room, i got in my purse saw the barnes and nobel gift card that i got from my credit card rewards and remembered i got that gift card to buy makenzie books for christmas. i remember trying to pick what gift card i wanted and couldn't think of a better one than that one. i had a few books in mind that i wanted to get her and i knew she would love. i almost broke down in front of the poor receptionist but held it back until we got into the room.
we went to our church's christmas program today- it was incredible... we loved it... however this adorable little girl sat near us. she was just perfect, she looked like kenzie. she even had the same blanket makenzie has and the same binkie. i think her mom thought i was crazy because i just couldn't stop staring at her. i just imagined sitting there with my kenzie. her little hands and arms and even her mouth reminded me of makenzie. she had these beautiful eyes that made me think of makenzies eyes.
i want to know when this sharp pain will go away? or will it ever? its only been a week but at the same time its been a week. shouldn't it get a little easier? i actually feel like its harder sometimes.
we have officially ran out of clothes so i figured i better get some laundry done. i was separating our clothes and found a pair of kenzie's pjs... ahhh... her clothes are never in our laundry basket. she has her own in her room (there is a basket full in her room but i cant even go in there so they wont be washed for who knows how long) why is it that just because her dirty little clothes were in my laundry i froze. i couldn't move. ryan was calling me from downstairs and i couldn't even answer. i got a little mad because i haven't been home in a month so i didn't understand why this wasn't spotted earlier when ryan did laundry other times. why did i have to find it now? i wouldn't ever really be mad at ryan about that but it just hurt. i wanted to run downstairs and whip my poor husband in the butt for not finding every little thing like that and putting it away. i hope it doesn't last more than today but i have been really short with him. i am feeling frustrated very easy. i have been feeling frustrated with God. so many feelings today at church- one feeling at one point was anger, another was peace and warmth, another was jealousy, another was annoyed- just to name a few. i watch tv and realize i cant watch this crap because i get so emotional. i get mad when people take their kids for granted, i get annoyed when i see people loving on their kids. i don't know what i want.
this post is all over the place. so is my mind. hope it makes a little sense.
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11 comments :
****hugs****
I think your post makes sense. When we went to our Christmas program yesterday I was thinking of you and cried almost the entire time. Although I have no idea how you actually feel, I have read this article before, "The Myth of Getting Over It" by Steven Kalas. It is profound and you may relate. Here it is:
When our first child is born, a loud voice says, "Runners, take your marks!" We hear the starting gun and the race begins. It's a race we must win at all cost. We have to win. The competition
is called "I'll race you to the grave." I'm currently racing three sons. I really want to win.
Not everyone wins.
I'm soon going on stage to speak before a crowd of parents and loved ones impacted by the death of a child. My address is titled, "The Myth of Getting Over it." It's my attempt to answer the driving questions of grieving parents: When will I get over this? How do I get over this?
You don't get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate goal. An unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you. It changes
your marriage. It changes the way birds sing. It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You are forever different.
You don't want to get over it. Don't act surprised. As awful a burden as grief is, you know intuitively that it matters, that it is profoundly important to be grieving. Your grief plays a crucial part in staying
connected to your child's life. To give up your grief would mean losing your child yet again. If I had the power to take your grief
away, you'd fight me to keep it. Your grief is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere
inside you, you know that.
The goal is not to get over it. The goal is to get on with it.
Profound grief is like being in a stage play wherein suddenly the stagehands push a huge grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates the stage. No matter where you move, it impedes your sight lines, your blocking, your ability to interact with the
other players. You keep banging into it, surprised each time that it's still there. It takes all your concentration to work
around it, this at a time when you have little ability or desire to concentrate on anything.
The piano changes everything. The entire play must be rewritten around it.
But over time the piano is pushed to stage left. Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright,
And slowly, surely, you begin to find the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage it. Instead of writing every scene
around the piano, you begin to write the piano into each scene, into the story.
You learn to play that piano. You're surprised to find that you want to play, that it's meaningful,
even peaceful to play it.
You can also listen to him talk a little more about this here:
http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=4523&mediaID=264693
Kendra,
I just want you to know all those emotions are perfectly normal and you and Ryan will both be going through them and there is no time limit on what is an appropriate amount of time to grieve. We all go through the steps and not in any particular order and just know that your are in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Much love, Chelsie
You ask, "will the sharp pain go away?" It does, a little with each day. I know it is not the same, but when my younger brother passed away I wondered the same thing. Time does help heal. That sharp pain will not be so intense.
We are praying for you both!
you have a right to each and every feeling that you have. just let it out.
we'll be praying for you! lots of hugs.
Kendra I cant even begin to imagine what you are going through and how you are feeling. Please know that your family is here to listen and comfort you when ever you need us. We all love you and Ryan so much. Kam
It's all part of grief. Don't beat yourself up over it. There's no amount of time, it varies from person to person. I can tell you that when I lost my brother, I walked around like a zombie for about four months and then started to get better. Each first takes you back to that dark place, though; each first holiday, and birthdays. My heart just aches for you and Ryan. Give yourself some time. You'll never "get over it" but it does get easier with time. Granted, I haven't lost a child, but I thought it might be nice to have some kind of reference. Hang in there, and I'm sending so much love your way. I've been praying that your angels will be with you to help comfort you during this time.
Kendra, God knows you. He knows your heart and He knows you are in pain. Call out to Him, even in anger, He knows how hurt you are. I am so sorry for your loss but I know your precious baby is in the arms of Jesus Christ. If i may recommend a book for you, it is called 90 minutes in heaven by Don Piper, May God bless you and Ryan with strength and peace.
Hey babe, if you need some help please don't go through her stuff alone. I am more than happy to come over and do her launry so that you don't have to look at it. I think that you should still go get those books for kenzie. Even though you cannot give them to her you will still know who you bought them for and she knows too. Let me know I can go with ya!! as well.
Grief never goes away, but it will change and not always be that "take your breath away" kind of pain. You are right, it has ONLY been a week. Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves. You have had a crazy amount to deal with, to keep you busy etc and I think sometimes the grief gets harder for a while, when it truly hits you and hte numbness goes away (doesn't feel numb I know but the shock of it all really happening and your body/mind really taking it in). You will continue to be in my prayers and know what you are going through is totally normal. Feelings of anger, frustration etc are SO normal, Iwould expect nothing less, of course you are mad, your baby isn't here, in your arms...let yourself feel mad, sad, hurt, peace, love etc-it is all so important.
Hugs,
Emma
Kendra-
We love you guys so much and wich we could have been at Kenzies funeral with the rest of the family. You and Ryan are in our prayers.
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