Tuesday, December 22, 2009

keep moving

i am learning something new everyday- today is no exception.
I'm realizing life is never going to be the same. i will always love makenzie with all my heart and think about her everyday, that will never change.
she will never come back, that will never change. i WILL, however see her again. my daughter is in heaven, she is waiting for me and for her daddy. she is watching over us and will keep us moving.
i have been having a really hard time the last few days worrying if i made the right choice with everything we have done with makenzie. should we have pushed harder for certain tests or pushed harder for them to not do this or that. could things have been different? my emotions get in the way and make me think i should have done more, maybe i should have held on longer and makenzie could have been a miracle or some how, some way she would be healed. i have a hard time looking at her pictures and seeing my perfect daughter- knowing all along she had this disease and i didn't know. when i really sit down and sort out my feelings, which is something i really had to do today, i remind myself that i did do everything i was suppose to. a great person told me while makenzie was in the hospital after we found out she had this disease and trying to figure out what to do,
'You're not making this decision, makenzie has already made it.' she was still alive this last month because she was on life support, a machine was breathing for her.
she choose ryan and i to be her parents, she knew before she came here that she would only be here for a short amount of time. she was so special that she only needed a few months to do everything that she needed to do here in this world. how special is she and how special is our family to have this beautiful little angel come into our life.
although all of this knowledge gives me peace, i am still missing makenzie beyond words. i will always miss her, i will always want her in my arms. that wont go away. i will keep talking to her and i will keep asking her to come hold me. maybe there will come a time i wont need her quite as much as i do now, which is all day and all night. there will come a time when i wont physically ache. there will come a time when everything, including a billboard, wont make me cry because i miss kenzie. there will come a time when i can go into her room and hold her things. there will come a time when i will be able to sleep in my bed again. for right now, we are just moving one minute at a time.

8 comments:

Jenni said...

I'm so glad to know that you know that you did everything that you could do, and to the best of your ability, for Kenzie. It is humbling that this sweet baby only needed to live on earth for a short time because she was so perfect and accomplished what she needed to here in this life. I don't know how Heavenly Father chooses which parents to give these life altering trials to, but I do know that these things are given to strong and faithful people with wonderful hearts, like yours and Ryan's. Continue to pray Kendra, and we will continue to pray for you!!!! Lots of love...

Alerie said...

Everything you did for Makenzie was out of love. You and Ryan always put her and her feelings first. I know from the bottom of my heart that you did everything you could and every decision you made was right. I pray every night that Makenzie holds you. I know she is always with you and Ryan. She loves you and is so proud to be your daughter....she has the best parents!! With much love to you!!

Esther said...

I agree with what you said, and the above comments. Makenzie is an amazing, perfect little girl, and she didn't need to be here on Earth very long, and go through all of the challenges of this life. It's normal to think "what if..." but in every one of your posts, your love for Makenzie shines through, and I know every choice you made was about her, and what she wanted.

Thinking about you, and praying for you always! Love, Esther

Anonymous said...

With everything in life we can have our doubts and question if what we did was the right thing at the time when we look back, believe me I know that, but without a doubt Ken, you and Ryan did EVERYTHING you could and should do for Mckenzie. You had a great Dr to advise you and help you and the wise insight from your friend was so right. Mckenzie was here for a reason and she was in control of her eternal goals.You gave her the life and body she needed even though, it was tooo brief of a stay with us, to complete her eternal life. I am so sorry that it is going to hurt and you as well as all of us will miss her so much. But you did everything right. I know that and I love you Ken. You are awesome. love mom

Emma said...

As mothers I think we always doubt our decistions, question what we do etc. and in a situation like this it is even a stronger pull to question...but you did all you did, and continue to do, out of an incredible, selfless love for your daughter. You were her voice, and you spoke only of the things she wanted, and you did so out of love. Your daughter chose her own time, she just waited until you were as ready as you could be...who ever is for what you are going through? She IS with you, always, and I pray you feel her today, tonight and always. The bond between a mother and daughter is not bound by space, it is infinite and always and you and Kenzie so obviously have that love. Reading your words about your daughter always brings me to tears, because I can feel that love. Try not to doubt yourself, you did all you could out of love for your precious baby and she is free from pain, able to run, play, breath.....there is no place better in our eyes than in our arms, but she will be there again one day. Love and prayers, Emma

starnes family said...

I look at my children differently since visiting your blog for the first time several weeks ago. I'm trying very hard to understand God's work and trust his way, as my sister is sick and struggling with 2 diseases.

But, I have to think that there is a reason. Through your love and lessons with Mackenzie, I'm cherishing every minute and day with my loved ones.

Janette said...

Kendra, I think you were already out of the office (to take care of Makenzie) when my Mom passed away on Dec. 2nd so I understand the feeling of helplessness when faced with insurmountable odds. Please allow me to share with you the sympathy card that someone sent me. It gave me comfort knowing that our departed loved ones are in a better place...

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away the tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas Choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
I can't count the blessings of love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away the tears.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

From your loved one at Christmas.

Kendra, I hope these words give you comfort as it gave me. I look forward to seeing you back at work.

Anonymous said...

Kendra, I too agree that you need to know of the love our Heavenly Father has for you and Ryan and that you WERE chosen to be Kenzie's parents. You will miss her, but yes, you will see her again and she will continue to watch over you. She did love everyone because she was perfect in every meaning of the word. Love her and allow her love to continue to hold you and comfort you. I pray for you and Ryan and pray that the wonderful warmth of love surrounds you and helps you to know that you are loved by many people. Kaleen Hale

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