heaven

over the last couple weeks i have unfortunately thought a lot about heaven. although I'm still praying everyday to let my baby grow old with me, i have faced the reality that its not about the future anymore, it about today and this moment. however, sitting in a hospital room with your child hooked up to machines your mind can wonder, esp in this hospital in the PICU.

i think many of us have a different idea what heaven looks like or will be like. for me and for my daughter, its full of bright colors. its full of country songs and people dancing around. there are lots of dogs to give everyone kisses, the beds are like balls of cotton. everyone is happy, we all run around without losing energy. the weather is perfect, you are never hot or cold, you are never unhappy. you can eat anything you want, there is not feeding tubes or breathing tubes. your never in pain. you never fall down when you are playing. you can have all the barbies you could ever dream of. you could spend a whole day just snuggling your baby. there are balloons around every corner for you to have. you can yell and scream in joy. their are jungle gyms and you can spin around on the bar all day. you can play hop scotch. you draw on every inch of the ground with chalk. you can do anything you want.

someday when makenzie isn't strong enough to keep fighting, i hope she is able to have all that and more. i hope she will be able to run, jump and climb. i hope she will never feel pain or fear again.

yesterday was a hard day in the picu. some beautiful little angels went to heaven. we knew one of those little angels and the last few days have cried with their family. it was a moment i wish no parent would ever have to experience. i cant stop thinking about those families. what they must be feeling. i will keep praying everyday and ask everyone else out there to pray for them as well.