Friday, December 25, 2009

fallen

the day is done... we kept busy which kept my mind on things other than makenzie. our family was amazing, they showered us with so much love today. thank you everyone! we are home, ryan has gone to bed. we argued a bit tonight. i hate when we do that. tonight was the first night since makenzie was gone that when we fought i just wanted to be alone for a minute. when we used to have arguments i would take kenzie into her room and we would read. we would read until i realized how dumb we were being and ryan and i made up. tonight it hit me so hard. she isn't coming back. i don't have that little peace maker here with me. ahhh i miss her.
i missed her having her first Christmas, i miss her opening presents - playing in the wrapping paper, i miss her in my arms, i miss dreaming of her future with us. i miss her so much. my body hurts today. i hurt so much right now. i am having such a hard time just writing these words- my tears just keep coming so fast i cant even read what I'm writing. i want to run and scream. i have to keep taking a break to get a good cry out then i write another sentence. i have to just let it out right now, i cant always be rational and turn what is going on around me to be positive.

i want my baby. i want to hold her. this pain is so real, it hurts so bad. i am scared. i want to run. i need her and i cant even think about her not being here. i tell myself its not real but when i realize it is, i cry. its a horrible cry. it hurts. my eyes burn. i get this massive headache. i squeeze whatever is near- usually a pillow or her blanket. i hate that i cant hold her. i hate that everyday is one more day i haven't had her with me. i want to say the worst things to God for taking her away from me. i wish so much no one ever has to lose a child and i wish soo soo much that i didn't have to lose mine. i want her hands, feet, arms, elbows, neck, ears- every inch of her body back. my family has been great to get me out of bed and help me do something everyday but i honestly wish i could lay in bed and cry. i wish i could dream and dream of her. usually i don't dream of her when I'm sleeping, i hate that i cant control that. i dream of her when I'm awake. i dream of what we would be doing now. on Christmas eve night, i would have been jumping around all night begging ryan to let us get up so makenzie could open her presents. i wouldn't have let ryan or myself by each other gifts so that we could buy her more. i would have bought her a barbie. just because i was so excited to get her one. i already bought a Christmas book for her, some clothes, Christmas pj's and a toy. i wish i could watch her hold them. look at them. smile at them. i cant believe how bad i hurt. I'm angry. I'm so angry i couldn't raise makenzie. i sometimes ask God if he took her because i didn't love her enough, was i not going to be a good mom to her, did i do something in my past that he is punishing me for? i don't understand.
she is so amazing. i miss her eyes so much. i miss her nose. i miss kissing her lips.
i hate death. i hate that i had to bury my daughter. i hate that i will spend the rest of my life dreaming about her instead of holding her.

GOD- i promise i would have loved her every second of her life. i would have gone to the moon and back to protect her. i wouldn't have let anything happen to her. i would have kissed her everyday. i promise i would have given up everything to give her anything. those few months with her were amazing, i cant put into words how lucky we were to have them but i wish so much i could have more time. i wish she wouldn't have been sick. i wish she wouldn't have been in pain. i wish she wouldn't have had to struggle. i wish she wouldn't have had to grow up so fast.
God i promise i would have thanked you everyday for her. i wish so much i could wake up. i just want to go in her room and get her out of bed. i want to hold her and kiss her and just rock her. i want to feel her.

i feel like i cant breathe.

kenzie... oh baby i miss you. i miss you with every inch of my body. i pretend I'm holding you sometimes. i pretend I'm kissing you. i pretend I'm going to get you out of bed but i cant even go into your room. i worry about you. i worry your having a hard time without me. i was the only one who could always calm you down. i hope you don't get scared. i hope your not hurting. i hope you know how much i love you muffin. did you know i used to watch you sleep? did you know i used to look at you and was amazed everytime knowing you were mine? i didn't take you for granted. i never will. i wish i could have taught you more. i wish i could have helped you more. i wish i could have taken all your pain away. i hurt so much. its been 1 week and 1 day since i last saw your body, since i last felt your weight in my arms, since i last kissed your lips. oh makenzie i miss you. you are my everything. you changed my life more than you could ever understand. if you were here i would hold you, i would stay up all night and just look at you. i would stroke your face. i would play with your hair. i would kiss every inch of your body.
on dec. 13th after they took those tubes out of your mouth makenzie- i held you so tight. i held you over my shoulder, our favorite way. you just molded your body into mine. your arms were around me. you had grown so much. i wasn't able to hold you like that in a month. your legs dangled past my hips. your head snuggled under my chin. i didn't want to let you go. you kept getting colder. i wrapped you in a blanket, it helped a little. those last few moments of your life was the worst yet most peaceful feeling i have ever experienced in my life. i know you had some people in that room coming to take you from me but i didn't want to let you go. i kept thinking during the day, some miracle will happen and when they take that tube out she will breath on her own. i wish you would have. i wish it wasn't your time. i wish you were still here with me and your daddy. he got your hand prints today for Christmas, he cried. i cried. we miss you.
we went to see your grave today. the flowers have all died. we need to bring you new ones. did you get the balloons we sent you? we will keep sending them everyday for a while.
please come to see us tonight kenzie. i need to hold you. i need you to hold me. please be happy for mom and be loving life now. please be jumping on clouds, singing silly songs, swimming, sucking on suckers, blowing bubbles and spinning in circles.
**tonight's dream- at the beach. we need a get a way. we will play in the sand. build sand castles then jump into the waves. see you there.
i love you.
goodnight.

11 comments :

starnes family said...

Oh, Kendra, your words are so sweet. I know you're hurting. I wish I could help. I'm praying for you.

TMI Tara said...

Kendra, you are an amazing mother. I hope you know how much Makenzie loved you and loves you still. She is with you. I hope you can feel the love and find the peace that you are aching for. Sending many prayers your way.

Matthew Langi said...

Kendra my dear friend, Keep strong the pain isn't forever. Makenzie loves you so much and is watching you both still. While her stay here was short She learned to smile, laugh and be kind no matter the ups or downs she was going through. She choose you and ryan to be her parents because she knew you would teach her everything she needed to know in the time you guys had togather on Earth. But Most of all she knew you would teach her the true meaning of love. Kendra my dear friend, you and Ryan did what the Lord asked. To take care of a choosen angel who need only a few months to finish her mission. I know these word dont mean a thing and can't fill the emptiness that you both are feeling but know that you have Family and friends who love you and are here to pick you up and help you in anyway they can. All you need to do is ask.

Esther said...

Your words break my heart, I'm so sorry Makenzie couldn't be here physically for Christmas. I know for certain that nothing you did, or could do would be the reason why Makenzie was taken from this Earth. She was a perfect little spirit who didn't need to have a body very long to prove herself worth of exaltation. I'm not certain why you, and others are chosen to go through this challenge, but I know it's not a punishment. In reality, being blessed with such a perfect child shows that God thinks so much of you and Ryan, to bless you with her. She has brought you so much joy in this life, and will bring you so much more in the next.
It's okay to not feel strong, this is the most difficult thing I can imagine.I know she is watching over you, and rooting for you to do all the things you need to in this life before your mission is complete, and you return to live with her.

Emma said...

I wish there were words to ease your pain, I'm sorry there aren't. I read your post through tears, as I often do, but today especially when the raw emotion came through. Don't ever think this was because of something you did, or didn't do, you loved your little girl in such an incredible, amazing and selfless way...as only an awesome Mother could do. You and Ryan will get through this, hold onto your love for Kenzie, and your love for one another. Your marriage, as you two now, will be changed forever, but let yourself 'go' with that change, don't try to push and return to what "used to be" as that is no more....but a "new normal" will appear, it just takes time. I know I don't know you but I feel so much love for you and your sweet girl, I hope you can feel all the love from all of us "out here", and most importantly from your baby today, and always. Love Em

Crystal said...

Kendra, I am officially addicted to your blog, as are so many others I know here at Amex. We are all here for you, praying and sending you and your family love and light. You have made such an impact in all of our hearts. It is amazing that you and your little Makenzie, whom most of us never met has made such a difference in so many lives. Truly a miracle right there. I came across another blog as I was finishing reading yours called... we the change. (wethechange.com) It reminded me of you... Check it out when you get a chance. xoxo

Alerie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mother 25 - 8 said...

Kendra, I really admire you.

♥ Stephan & Michelle ♥ said...

Stephan and I both wish we could do something anything to help you guys. And I know that god knows you were the best mom you could have been. I try to remind my self from time to time that Makenzie, and the baby I miscarried were to special to be here they were meant to be angels, and change peoples life make people appericate the smalliest things in life. People even got the privilege to met your little angel, and even with those few memorys she changed peoples lifes, even from your blog your changing, and even helping my life. I cant even have imagine going threw what you guys did. But even reading what you put on here some times is how Stephan and I feel about are miscarriage. But you have the guts to put your feelings out there for people to relate to, or to aspire from. I sure wish I could seriously be half of you are, and if that isnt a good mom let alone a good person. Then I sure dont know what is....? Thank you guys! And Im still praying for you guys to find comfort.

BRIAN~KANDICE~ALI~ALYSSA said...

I listen to your words and it just makes me feel so griatful for my babies. i have been so frustrated with them today and than I listen to what you have to say and ache by how you feel and I know I would feel the same if I lost mine. Just know that GOD only does what we can handle. One day it wont hurst as much. But there will always be a peice of your heart that left when your sweet baby left that will never be replaced. She is near you every day. she is listening to you. I'm sure you were a wonderful mother to her. I know we dont always understand why God does what he does, but you just have to have faith that he knows what he is doing. I know it's easier said than done. Good luck my dear and keep your faith and prayer alive.

Benjamin and Jennie said...

Kendra you gave your little girl more than you realize! You were the instrument in bringing her here on earth to receive a body!!!! What a wonderful gift! I think about you a lot and I just know that Makenzie is in heaven learning and growing with loved ones surrounding her:) I can't imagine the pain you are going through but Heavenly Father is always there and will help you. Reach out for His comfort:) Hold tight to Ryan and stay close to the Lord. Families can be together forever:) I have faith you will be reunited with you little Kenzie!! Praying for your family.

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