dumb breast milk

we went out to a movie with a&d last night. we love them. it was a great night but on our way home ry and i both agreed it felt like we were missing something. we both kept thinking we forgot something or we weren't being responsible. it was a strange feeling. a&d are amazing, thanks for being there.

when we got home i was feeling good, i didn't want that feeling to end so i had to stay busy. i couldn't think. i started to clean. my house is gross. after being gone for a month then coming back and having no energy or desire to clean it- wow... it got bad. it would have been worse if my amaZing sista A wouldn't have come to clean it a few times. anyway--- i started cleaning out the fridge, moved up to the freezer... in the very back i found those dumb bags of what used to be like gold... breast milk... all you women who breastfed/pumped know what i mean. those things are very special and should be kept forever! okay maybe not for forever but its like you just cant throw that precious stuff away. well i was pissed. it brought me back to the end of sept.
makenzie was doing great breastfeeding from the beginning. she never ate a lot but she ate well. pumping was great for me because it kept the milk coming and it kept my freezer stocked. (if you don't remember i kept having nightmares before kenzie was born that i would forget to feed her so i became crazy pumping lady in order to always have enough on hand so she would never go hungry) anyway--- when kenzie was turning 2 months it seemed that over night she couldn't nurse anymore. i didn't know what the problem was. she would drink fine from a bottle but couldn't get anything out of me. i felt like a failure of a mom. i was always told YOU BREASTFEED... no matter what, you're a bad person if you don't. whatever! i really felt guilty but i really just wanted my baby to eat. i would try everything she wouldn't nurse. i had to just pump- all the time... that didn't last long. she didn't like my milk in a bottle. this girl was picky! i gave her formula.. she ate. whatever i didn't care as long as she ate. my milk dried up but it didn't matter, i just wanted her to eat.
fast forward to the hospital around the time they were trying to diagnose her---
i kept getting asked the question why i stopped nursing. i told my same story a million times. she just stopped. i didn't know why. they would ask if she was picky about her bottles. YES. she was... i had to get her certain bottles that she could get formula out easy but not easy enough that it was drowning her. after the diagnosis came back that she did have a neuromuscular disease they told me that a big first sign of it was that she couldn't nurse anymore. she lost the strength. her bottles didn't make her try hard.
fast forward to last night when i found my bags of gold---
i felt sick. i was so proud of myself when i got the hang of feeding her. i felt powerful as a mom to be able to provide for her like that. i kept thinking about watching her while she ate.
i threw them all away.

i had a horrible night. cried pretty much all night. ryan tried to help but i couldn't stop. at one point i passed out from exhaustion but continued to cry. when it came time to wake up this morning i didn't even think, i went in her room. i stood there for a while. touched her things. opened her drawers. i found my way to the corner where her dirty clothes were. i collapsed in that tiny area. i sat there. smelling her shirt that she wore the night before she went to the hospital. she threw up on it a little. she slobbered on it. i held it so close and wanted to just have this all stop. right now, i hate God. i hate him for taking my daughter. i don't remember her smell because the last month of her life she smelled like all that crap in the hospital. she smelled like the tape on her face, she smelled like the weird formula they gave her. I'm so angry. i have ever been so angry. i said some things last night. ryan understood and agreed with me but i don't know if we really feel like that or we were just so unbelievably sad. i really don't want to keep moving. i don't want to think life will get easier. i just want makenzie. i feel so sick all the time.

throughout the day today i was having ok moments but pretty much all day i was not even close to being okay. i know ryan wishes he could help more and its not like him to just sit around and hold me while i cry, he wants to help me, he wants to change things. he gets frustrated when he cant. i hope I'm not pushing him away. i screamed today. most of the day. there were a few times i didn't even feel like myself. i felt like something was taking over me. i kept crying. ryan had to give me some tough love. i hate tough love. i kept yelling that God would bring kenzie back if i just kept praying. he kept telling me that she isn't coming back, God isn't bringing her back. for a bit- i hated him for saying that. i didn't want to hear it. i still don't. finally i just pushed her out of my mind. he asked if i wanted to go on a walk or drive. i couldn't move. i was able to get myself in a position that no pictures were in my view, i was able to get my mind onto something not her. i was able to breathe. ryan sat there until i feel asleep. i slept for a few hours. before i fully woke up- i had this dream. it was a dream or a wish or my mind making something up i really don't know. but it was kenzie. she was older though. she had fair skin, long dark hair, she was thin, she was beautiful. i couldn't see her face but i knew it was kenzie. i was starting to wake up so i made myself fall back to sleep because i didn't want to lose that image of her. i hope that was her.

ryan wants me to get some help... i got annoyed because i think- hello, my baby died. what else should i be doing? maybe he is right. the last few days I'm not feeling better, I'm feeling worse. i get into this mode where i feel so out of control. i sometimes scare myself. like today.
i don't even know what to do or where to start. i have been in and out of counseling my whole life. i have always been messed up that way. i have been on and off different meds my whole life. i just don't know how i should be feeling now. people keep saying this is all normal so i don't know what is normal and whats crossing over being normal and when i should get help.
this blog helps more than anything. it get everything sorted out. sometimes ill go back and read what i have written in the past. so far i cant read about when kenzie was still here. it makes me made at myself. i think why the hell did i blog- i should have been holding or watching or playing with makenzie.

everyone has different views of heaven. I'm not sure what i believe. i read what i wrote before about heaven over and over and i wonder if that's true. i hope it is. i hope makenzie is happy. i hope she is pain free. i worry so much about her missing ryan and i. i hope she isn't scared. i hope she is being held, loved and kissed.
i miss her so much. i wish we could have grown old together.