the day

today has been a better day. this morning i laid there alone on the couch thinking i was going to call allie and tell her i couldn't go out. i was going to lay there and cry all day. i didn't want to move. a little knock came to my back door. i laid still thinking they would go away. i thought it was my sweet neighbors or something but i didn't want them to see me in my pjs. they kept knocking. i finally got up and saw it was my sister alana and her baby lucy. i have to say she was the first person to save me today, she got me up and made me smile. she helped me feel better. the second person to help save me today- my allie. she took me shopping (really helps you feel better sometimes) since christmas is a week from today i figured i better get some stuff for my family, esp ryan. the third person who saved me - my kate and omar who cooked an amazing meal and my greg and his daughter jessica who brought it to us. thank you all for giving me this day. it was a day i still thought about makenzie every other second but i didn't feel sorry for me.

since i have felt a little better today i figure this is a perfect time to start talking about some of the things that happened over the last few days and i thought i would start with the day kenzie passed and how we made that decision.

the day kenzie passed away we were planning on letting them take the tube out around 7 pm and holding her as she peacefully passed in our arms. we asked our parents to come and be with us but not to come earlier than 5 pm. we spent our last day loving our little girl. we traded off holding her all day. we kissed her, held her hands, hugged her, felt her weight in our arms and gave her a bath. the last few days were really getting hard for her. she was so tired, weak and uncomfortable. i could see in her eyes everyday she was ready to be free. i would get up every morning, talk to her, and try to feel when she was ready to go. we wanted certain nurses and doctors to help us when she was to go because we trusted them to make her comfortable and not let her suffer. to do that we kind of needed to plan a day. i said sunday night but with the understanding if i woke up and didn't feel right we wouldn't do it. i heard a few times 'you know you don't have to do it now' but what everyone needed to understand is this decision wasn't made with ryan and i in mind. if it was made based only on makenzie. to wait and do it another day or after the holidays meant we were keeping makenzie in this body and keeping her on those machines and keeping her uncomfortable and for what- us? as her parents we felt it was our obligation to her that we needed to let her go when she is ready and not keep her here for us. we were lucky enough to talk to many incredible families about their sweet children who have similar problems as kenzie. we heard about their feelings and their struggles. although it was the right choice for them to do it one way we knew we had to do what we felt was right for makenzie. we thought long and hard about what we were going to do and when it all came down it it, we made this choice based on what we knew makenzie wanted. we talked to her and we watched her. i have said before, she will talk to you with her eyes. i knew she was telling us she was ready to be done. it took a few days for me to even admit what i knew to ryan. i couldn't say those words. i denied it. i wasn't scared of traching her, quitting my job, selling our house and doing anything we needed to take care of her. i was up for anything if it meant being with her even for one more day. ryan kept telling me he didn't really feel the same. kenzie and him had an amazing connection and he knew early on what she wanted. when i finally talked to ryan about it and admitted to myself and to him what she had been telling me all along we started to work through it together. we never told anyone else at first. we kept it to ourselves. we prayed for comfort if this was the right decision, we thought alot about it and we continued to talk to other people about their thoughts and feelings regarding both choices.
when sunday came i kept praying i wouldn't have to make the call. there is NO way i could say "its time". i wouldn't let myself think about it. i just held kenzie. kissed her and held her hands. i told her all day how much i love her and how we will always be together in our hearts. just after 5 when her grandparents came kenzie started making a funny noise. i asked ryan to get the nurse. the nurse came in and quickly turned and ran to the door telling the doctor her tube was out. i held kenzie tighter and my heart was racing a million miles a minute. i think a few dozen nurses and doctors ran into our room. kenzie's doctor looked at ryan and i and said "are you okay? are you ready now?" it was the single worst moment of my life. i know for ryan to. we knew it was coming, we were preparing for it to happen in a couple more hours but to actually say it was okay to let her go was horrible, to know our baby was leaving us in that moment. ryan grabbed me and held both kenzie and i. i held her so close to me as they hurried and gave her a little oxygen until they could get her some medicine to calm her down a little so she didn't feel like she didn't have any air. i was holding her little hand and i felt her grip get looser and looser. we cried, talked to her and held her. we kept telling her how much we love her and how she is everything we could ever dream of. we had so many emotions and spiritual feelings in those moments that i could go into but feel they are to personal and special to ryan and i that we will keep them just between the 3 of us.
we felt our baby leave us in those few minutes. we knew angels were in her room and came to take her home to heaven. although it was the worst pain i have ever been in, i felt a small amount of peace through it all knowing my daughter wasn't in any pain anymore. kenzie's time of death was 5:25 pm ish...
after all was said and done we sat back and realized we didn't make this decision after all. she made it all along. she prepared us for what was going to happen and she ended up making the final say in the end as well. our little girl wasn't meant to be here for an average persons lifetime. she came, made this world a little better, did her job and then returned to God.
I hurt, I'm in pain everyday. I miss my baby so much and i often find myself yelling at God asking why Makenzie. Asking why she had to have any pain in the first place and why she was the one who had to go. I hope and pray this will get a little less painful. I hope I can find peace more than a few moments here and there. Its all still fresh and new so I'm not expecting it to happen within the next few days but I hope at some point I can feel more peace.
After kenzie's spirit had left we all sat in her room. we all held her, kissed her, cried on her and hugged each other. we had an amazing photographer come and take some beautiful pictures of kenz. Her last photos without tubes. She looked so amazing in them.
We stayed with her for hours. it was extremely hard to leave there. we let her balloons go outside. it was great to see them float to heaven knowing she would catch them all.

i cant decide if today was a stepping stone for me and I'm going in a good direction of find that peace or if I'm back into denial mode. it scares me. when i go back into denial mode i run into a wall when reality hits me again. it punches me in the face. its an unbelievable pain i feel. no matter what, i miss makenzie. i wish she was still in my arms. i worry about tomorrow and if i will be able to even get up. i just want to lay here until she comes back to me - whenever that is.

her pictures are everywhere in our house, i haven't decided if they help or make things worse. its her pictures that make me crumble but there is no way i could take them down. i need them. i need to see her face every second.

here are some of the amazing pictures taken after she passed. its done by this volunteer organization called 'now i lay me down to sleep' i loved our photographer. she was simply wonderful.