Sunday, January 31, 2010

what we are doing

just caught up on our blog-
little bit of an overload but oh well. enjoy.
our life has been crazy the past month.
I'm in school- taking 3 classes
-public speaking
i hate school.
we are taking life one moment at a time. most days, we wish we could crawl in a hole.
makenzie is always on our mind.
she consumes our daily tasks which makes the simplest things impossible.
she is our world.
we know life is still moving and everyday is another day. we are trying to live.

harley is still around- we sure love her. she has been such a sweet dog the past few months. i think she has hit some serious low points in her life and has moments of depression missing makenzie to. she will lay in front of her bedroom and just stare at the door.
the past month we have had some really weird things happening around our house.
we will come home and on a regular basis find one of kenzies toys out.
we have put all her things away in her room with the door shut.
at first we got really angry at harley because she gets these toys and sucks on them. she doesnt chew it up just sucks on it until its soaking wet (ewww)
we go upstairs and the door is open.
we have no idea how she is getting in there and why she is doing this but instead of getting angry now we just imagine that its a little bit of kenzie and harley playing around causing a little trouble while we are gone.

_ i had to put his pic in because i thought it was hilarious. we have the pedi paw for harley which she used to hate. If you dont remember, everytime we would use it- she would pee on us. Well this dog now loves her beauty treatments. just look at this picture. how pathetic is this. she just melts into ryan. haha...

i have discovered a new love for pedicures. i go with my sister A. we have a great time talking, telling stories and laughing. her little girl mini A went with us this last time and got her nails done to! I tell you, the best way to pamper yourself- a good massage and a pedicure!

for ryan and i...
life is not what we thought it would be. everyday brings a new challenge. we never imagined our life where is it is today. we miss makenzie terribly. the days don't feel like they are getting any easier yet i think they are. we are always talking about different ways to honor makenzie and have started a few things already. we will post about them soon.
ryan is my rock.
he is why i am still here today. because of him i am still breathing.
he gives me a reason to go on.
he gives me hope.
he gives me happiness when i don't think i will ever feel happiness again.
i see makenzie in him.
i see the pain he carrys.
I'm amazed at his strength. I'm amazed at his drive. I'm amazed at his will.
i love this man. i love this man more than i ever thought i could love him.
although we are walking through fire right now, we are doing it together.
we promised makenzie we would stay together, we promised we would be a family again. if all else fails we owe her a family again, she gave us more than we could have ever dreamed.

dear byan-
thank you for listening, thank you for your hugs. thank you for holding me when i needed and being my punching bag when i needed. you are strong. you amaze me everyday. i look at you and cant believe what an incredible man you have become. i think about the day we got married and the man you were then to the man you are now. i cant believe it.
i hope you know how much i love you. how much i adore you.
makenzie was the best of both of us- thank you for giving her to me.
thank you for being an amazing father.
thank you for loving her as much as you did.
i will never understand the amazing bond you had with her just as you will never understand the amazing connection i had with her.
i wish you didn't have to be in this pain.
i wish we both could lived that fairytale we used to live.
i promise i will try to give you happiness.
i promise i will try to give you more dreams.
i love you.
i need you.
thank you for being everything you are.
love- me...


TMI Tara said...

That pic of Harley and that pic of you and Ry are just so cute! I'm glad you're letting Harley deal with her loss as well, and I'm glad you and Ryan are there for each other and able to cry, laugh, remember, and look ahead together.

I know you guys are SO busy, but we want to go out! We want to start country dancing, how fun would that be! Let us know, we're always up for whatever. Love you guys and admire you so much. xo

Emma said...

Your love for your daughter and your husband is truly inspiring. I am so glad you and Ryan are clinging to one another. You will grieve differently, push eachother away at times, but as long as reach back for one another you will be incredible. You are amazing parents and the greatest gift you can continue to give your sweet little girl is to love one another, and to laugh with one another...I know she must have loved to hear you laugh together and to see and feel you love. Thinking of you, Em

FROGGITY! said...

it's so good that you 3 have each other. isn't it amazing how dogs have intuitions and the ability to comfort? such a blessing. you and your hubby are precious. just precious!

Alerie said...

It is so amazing how animals (especially dogs) just know things!! They are such a special addition to families.

After my sister-in-law lost her twin boys one of my girls' toys would just randomly go off. I always say that it is their cousins wanting to play with them. I am sure Harley and Kenzie love causing a little trouble together.

I am so glad that you and Ryan have each other and are clinging to one another. Your love for one another is beautiful. Your love as a family is beautiful too. You are an inspiration and an example to me on true, honest and loyal love. Always thinking of you guys!! Much love!!

Vanessa said...

Kendra. I came across your blog from Michelle T. I read one of her posts when she was speaking of a Mothers Aching Heart. I remember the day, it was December 27. I spent 3 hours reading all of your old blog posts. I remember sitting alone and crying with you and for you for the whole in your heart that must be aching oh so badly for your beautiful little baby girl. Your strength and eternal devotion to her continues to amaze and astound me daily. You are so brave. Know that your little girl loves you and she is watching over you. I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now. I lost my first babies when I was 5 months into my pregnancy. I remember how much ached for them, and I never even got to know them. You will get through this! I can tell how strong you are.
We celebrated the 3rd birthday of my twins the other week. I bought all three of my kids balloons for the occasion. My oldest boys balloon escaped from the car when we opened the door. He was so sad to loose his balloon, but I told him about Kenzie and how much she loved balloons and how you and Ryan release balloons to her in heaven. I told him that he just have Kenzie a very special gift by releasing his balloon for her.
I hope you can find peace in the months to come. I read your blog every day. Please know that someone whom you don't even know is always thinking about you up here in Northern Idaho.


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