Thursday, January 14, 2010

balloons

It was no secret that Makenzie LOVES balloons.
While she was in the hospital she would stare at them all the time. They would calm her down when she would get upset and they would distract her when various people were running tests on her. I wrote about this picture below in another post titled -her strength-
It was amazing to me to see my beautiful little girl who was losing strength everyday and not able to hold really anything but was able to hold these balloons. They helped her through numerous CPT and cough assists. The day Kenzie passed away we took all the balloons her friends sent her in the hospital and sent them up to heaven for her. We stood there on the street in front of the hospital, in the cold, watching these balloon float up until we couldn't see them anymore. I kept imagining how beautiful that sight was- Makenzie's first night in heaven dancing around with her balloons.




When I send her balloons it makes me feel peace. I don't feel that peace any other time really- I think its because I feel like I'm able to give her something. Something from me. We kiss the balloons, write on them or send a message with them up to Kenzie. I know other friends and family have sent balloons as well. This girl I'm sure is having a blast.

After her funeral at the graveside we asked everyone to write a note on a balloon and we all sent our balloons up to her.




It was amazing.

Over the past month we have sent HUNDREDS of balloons to Makenzie.

For Kenzie Day we had to make sure and send her some balloons so she could be part of the fun. We kissed our balloons said a little message to her and sent them up...




(sorry my camera died right when we let them go)
I cant explain this feeling. Sometimes I feel like she just left a minute ago and other times I feel like its already been a lifetime. Its been 1 month and 1 day since Makenzie was in my arms.
The last couple days I keep having flashbacks.
her in the hospital
her at home struggling
her crying
and holding her until her lips turned pale.
I question myself everyday- did i give her a good enough life while she was here?
Should I have fought harder for her to have more comfort?
Did I give her enough smiles?
Did I tell her how much I love her enough?
I know people keep telling me I did and that I shouldnt think about that but as her Mom I do.
I'm sure every other mother out there worries if your doing enough or if your doing things right.
The only difference is I cant make it up to her now- whats done is done. I cant take her out for ice cream or hold her a little longer tonight because I didn't last night.
I try to watch her videos but I cant. I seriously stop breathing. I hurt so bad that my whole body goes numb. I feel tingly and tight. When I turn it off then I relax, breath and cry.
I am trying so hard to smile. I'm trying to not bring others down because I'm down. I try to have fun, laugh and just enjoy my life. I hate that no matter what I do or what minute it is, I only think about her. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could talk myself out of this low. No matter what I say to myself- she is in a good place, she is being loved, she is happy -I feel like this.
I hope people around me know that I know its not just me going through this.
I KNOW you are all suffering this loss as well.
We all lost Makenzie.
Her aunts and uncles lost their niece, her cousins lost their baby cousin, her grandparents lost their granddaughter, her boyfriend lost his girlfriend, her friends lost their friend.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to all of you. I'm sorry if you never meet her, she is amazing. You would have been blow away with how strong her spirit is. How powerful those eyes were. Pictures don't do justice. Ask anyone who has been around her. Its amazing.
I'm sorry for all of you that knew her. I'm sorry you dont have her now. I'm sorry you cant hold her and play with her and watch her grow up. I wish I could hug everyone of you. I wish I could hold everyone of you. I'm sorry your all still holding me. I pray for you all. I ask Kenzie to watch over you all and give you comfort. I know we will all see her again.
Lets all send her a balloon.
I know she will catch everyone.

5 comments:

Emma said...

What a powerful post. You are right, there are a lot of people struggling with the loss of such a sweet little girl, a life taken much too early. She was here for a reason adn right now she is bringing you all together, making you lean on one another like never before. You are seeing love from people, help from people, like you would have never known-she IS bringing out the good in people, the good that was in her.

I often think of your and Ryan's parents and pray for them too. What a loss, to lose your sweet grandchild but also to see your children dealing with a pain like no other. I can't imagine not being able to ease the pain, how hard that must be for them...they are,as are all your family and friends, in my thoughts.

I know as a mom we will always question if we did enough, but I know you were Kenzie's voice when she needed it, you were her comfort, her love. I hope you can feel peace in knowing that she was loved, that you showed her how much you loved her each and every day.

Your words have made me realize I need to make the most of each day, not let the "little" frustrations take over and appreciate even the things I don't like that my kids do....and I thank you for that.

Thinking of you today and always, and sending the voting link to all I know!! Em

Marti said...

Hi. I've been following your blog for a little while-I'm friends of Molly (the photographer who took your family pictures). I just want you to know that you are an inspiration to me. I look forward to reading your posts every day. You are such a wonderful mom! Kenzie is so lucky! I cannot imagine what you've been through-you are SO strong. You make me want to be a better mom. To appreciate every little thing-good or bad. And I wanted to thank you for that. And I think Kenzie is proud of you. You BOTH are touching the lives of so many. And changing them for the better. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Thank You Kendra for sharing your time on Kenzie day!!! You continue to inspire me everyday.
Kaleen Hale

Mike and Jenna said...

You are such an amazing person Kendra. You and Ryan both are, even though I have never met you. I can see it through your posts and your pictures. And most of all your eyes, Kenzi does have the most beautiful eyes ever. But she got those eyes from the two of you. Those eyes, your eyes, has made me and so many others such better people. I never got the chance to meet Kenzi, but I didnt have to. I have loved her since I saw her first picture. She is definitley the most incredible angel ever. I will keep on praying for you and Ryan. You are so strong and I am so grateful you have shared this with us on blog spot. Through you Kenzi is changing the world, she is making a difference. You are a voice for a angel. And I will most definitely send this link to everyone I know . Thank you Kendra again for just being you!
- Jenna

Jenni said...

I hope someday that we'll all be able to meet Kenzie and give her loves. I miss her and I didn't even know her. You are so amazing, so strong, even through your weakness. We'll all hold you as long as you need. I'm afraid you've made some life long friends through all of this. I know there are people like me who will remember you when we're 80 years old and how your story touched our lives so powerfully.
Maybe after some time has passed, and you're up to it, you could post a date, time, and place to meet up with some of your blogging friends...family who live in the Salt Lake Valley, to get together for lunch and meet. You could talk to us about Kenzie in person and we could hear the words come out of your mouth, rather than reading them (which is the next best thing:)). I would love to meet you and give you a hug and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Maybe sometime you'll be ready for that, maybe someday it will sound wonderful to you to be able to do that. But until then, I'll keep on following your story and try to help pick you up when you are down. You're truly amazing! :)

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