Friday, January 8, 2010

prayers change

i was not a religious, spiritual or prayer before i became a mom.
after kenzie was born- oh how i prayed for her. prayed for her to eat, prayed for her to sleep, prayed for her to be happy and stay safe. i prayed up and down for that girl.
as time went on my prayers changed. i then started praying for her to get better, to help her feel comfortable, to help her breath, to help the doctors know what to do.
as more time when on they changed again. i prayed for god to save her. i prayed for miracles. i prayed for her to be okay or at least for us to be able to take her home and have more time with her.
more time went by. i started pleading with god to not take my baby away.
a few days went by. my prayers turned into me asking for guidance. asking what i should do for my sick little girl. asking what would be best for her. i would pray to keep her happy, comfortable and free from pain.
i then started praying for strength- not only for me but for kenzie. i prayed god would hold her, i prayed her angels would surround her and keep her safe.
after she died-
my prayers have turned into pleading again. pleading for God to some how bring my baby back because i cant do this. i pray for her to come see me, i pray to feel her, i pray to see her. i still beg God to let me wake up and have her back with me in some magical way and to erase the past few months and let me just be Makenzie's mom again.

Next week will mark the one month mark of Makenzie's passing. 1MONTH!
I have a feeling God isn't going to answer those prayers. I feel i need to move past asking for her back but I don't know how to do that. I feel guilty. I want her back. I don't want to ask God to give me comfort and help me move on. I don't want to move on.
As much as I don't want to forget my beautiful daughter and every little thing about her. I have such a hard time thinking about her.
I think about her little body in heaven-
I think about someone else in heaven holding her.
I think about someone else playing with her.
I think about someone else giving her everything she should get and to be honest-
it makes me mad. I want to be the one who plays patty cake with her, i want to be the one who blows on her belly, i want to feed her, i want to watch her learn to roll over, crawl, walk, run, jump...
I know many people believe- and i do as well- that I will someday see her again, I will be able to raise her. As happy as that makes me, its only a short little bit of happiness because I know its not soon. I could live 80 more years. That's 80 years until I'm able to hold my Makenzie again.
and that hurts-

So what do I pray for now?
Last night- I prayed for God to make sure Makenzie is happy. To make sure she never is sad. To make sure she is being loved above and beyond. I asked God to make sure Makenzie knows how much we love her. To make sure she doesn't think we gave up- to make sure she knows we dream about her everyday and we will never ever forget her. We will for the rest of our lives say her name everyday. We will always send her balloons and we will always blow her kisses.
I know I need to get to the point where I trust God with Makenzie.
No I don't think I'm higher than God- I don't think I'm better than God. FAR from it. But that's my baby. She is my world and I still have a hard time "knowing" she is being taken care of.
I tell myself how heaven is- I tell myself she is being cared for but I need to kick my butt into gear and believe it.
Kenzie isn't coming back- I need to stop whispering my requests to God- asking him quietly so no one else hears me. I need to trust that he is giving my Makenzie everything. I need to trust she is happy.

19 comments :

Michelle said...

Hey Kendra, You have a right to feel the way you do. I KNOW she is being taken good care. I KNOW she is looking upon you guys. I KNOW she is hoping and praying with all her might to see you again. Make sure it happens :)Pray to Heavenly Father to help guide you so you can see each other again. He wants nothing more then to see families together forever. Kepp moving forward and Kenzie and the Lord will help you.

Emma said...

What a beautiful, honest post. I read through tears. I think your prayers and feelings along the way are so 'normal', a normal noone should have, but normal given the circumstances. Trusting God is hard, especially when some part of you will feel like he "failed you" by not giving you the miracle you so badly wanted. That is okay, of anyone, He understands your feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal and most importantly yearning for your sweet angel. Of course you are mad you dont get to hold her, hug her, play with her....that was your dream, your life, and it isnt easy to give that over. I know with time you will move forward, but you will never "move on"-Kenzie is a part of you now, and forever. She absolutely knows how much you love her, how you did all you could do to make her happy and comfortable and part of that was allowing her to go to a place where she could be 'free'...all at the expense of you not having her...the ultimate sacrafice for a parent, and you did it out of love and Kenzie, and God, absolutely know that. You were given your sweet girl for a reason, we may not know or understand why the circumstances were as they were but one day you will. I will continue to pray for strength for you, for you to feel Kenzie's love all around you and for you and Ryan to come together, to lean on one another throughout this time. IT is hard when we all grieve differently, but remember that although different, the grief is all for your sweet girl, no matter how it is expressed. Hugs, Em

FROGGITY! said...

you know what's so cool about God? he understands. any anger, fear, resentment... he sympathizes and loves you and his heart breaks for you. he aches with you. your his child. also, the coolest thing is, sometimes when we don't know what we should pray all we have to do is let him take the reigns. he'll intercede on your behalf. i can't tell you how many times my prayers have just been sobs or angry noises...but i felt comfort in that. because somehow, someway i know that he gets it and knows what's best. (even if it makes NO sense at the time and even when it seems so unfair.) the hardest thing ever is just to trust him... it's not easy, but it is so worth it.
please know that we out here are praying for you and your family.

also know (without a doubt) that kenzie is happy. SO happy, blissful, safe, protected, nothing can ever harm her again... and she loves you and is praying for your happiness too. that's a bond that can NEVER be broken. so beautiful...

(by the way: i am always nervous commenting b/c i don't ever want to overstep bounds! but i deeply care about y'all... pray for you every day. please know that anything i say comes from a good place in my heart.)

take care sweet girl.

Jake and Leslie Garbanati Family said...

Kendra,
You don't know me. I linked to your blog from Gayle and Lenn Johnson's. We were in Primary Children's the same time they were-two years ago. Prior to being at Primary Children's, we lost our daughter who is the twin to the son at the hospital. You seriously have every right to feel like you do. We are approaching Mason's second birthday and thus, the second anniversary of our Mayzi passing. To this day, I feel the pain of losing that sweet girl. I pray every day that I can feel her, that she knows I love her, that Heavenly Father will watch her. Like you, my prayers made dramatic changes and I found myself begging for things I knew were not realistic. I heard once that it is not our job to understand the things that happen to us, but rather to accept them. That simple statement (made in general conference) made such a huge impact. Now, I pray for acceptance. Acceptance of all the things that have happened to me, and all the things yet to happen. I pray to accept the Lord's will, because I know I can't understand it now. I also know that eternity seems like a long time away. But, every day is one step closer. Be mad, be angry. Be happy, be glad. It doesn't matter. No one can tell you how to grieve. We are all different. You will always be sad, you will always miss her. It just gets a little easier. Celebrate her life. Mourn her death. Never...never forget her. From one heartbroken mom to another....know you are an elite member of a group called mothers. No matter where your little one lives, or how long they lived-you are still a mother. We just have an advantage...we are mothers to angels. Peace and hope.
Leslie Garbanati

Kylee and Skylar said...

My name is Kylee Dyreng. I have been following your blog because of Kevin and Julie Dyreng. They are my in-laws. They have such a great love and respect for you and your husband. Everytime Julie talks about you she cries. She is amazed at your strength and your courage, as am I and I haven't even met you. You are an amazing writer. You have a gift. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. Every time I see kenzie's picture on Dyreng's fridge, I want to cry! Just know that Heavenly Father really is there and he is watching over her, but also you and Ryan. He feels your pain, your hopes, and your dreams. I wish you well. You are an amazing person!

Gaspegirl said...

What a healthy post! Thank you for being so honest and sharing this will everyone... it will help others.

(((hugs)))

The Pachuilo Family said...

Kendra,
Kenzie knows how much you love her! And she knows that you will be together again. Keep praying and the Lord will help you!

C said...

I've never been very good at prayer. My heart is always full of thoughts, but I can't seem to get the words out right. Although my losses in life have different than yours, I have felt the same struggle to move on and wonder if I will be found worthy enough to meet my loved ones once I've gone the way of all the earth. I know different people celebrate their children who have left this earth -- a neighbor goes to the temple on her daughter's birthday. Friends of another neighbor created charitable foundation and yearly Run for Fun to celebrate a daughter's life. And yet another friend makes blankets for the children at hospitals in remembrance of what was done for her own child. I wish I was clever enough to find a way to honor those who have gone before and keep their memory alive. Kendra, I do know that Heavenly Father loves all of His children very much, and scriptures tell us that "blessed are all they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." We think of you often and although we are miles away, hope that comfort will come for you and Ryan. Please know that we love you very much.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog since I heard of your little Kenzie through a friend. I don't make it through one post without feeling so many emotions and crying through the post.

Normally I don't comment, and as another person said, I don't want to step on any toes, but I deeply feel like I need to share my thoughts and feelings.

You said that you have a hard time "knowing" that Kenzie is being taken care of in Heaven. I am sure, and know with every ounce of my being that she is being loved and cared for, not only by those who have passed before her, but also by Heavenly Father, and our Heavenly Mother. They are going to take such good care of her, but not to replace you! When you meet her again you will take right over, and know exactly where you two left off. (I know that probably doesn't make it any easier.)

Also, I have never lost a child, but I have lost people who I have been close to. This may sound strange, but I have talked to them. I make sure I am in a quiet place, and I talk to them like they were right next to me. I speak to them and ask for help. I ask them to watch over me, and when I do I know they are there with me. I find this to be very comforting, expecially when I feel alone and abandoned.

You pray to Heavely Father and ask him to watch over Kenzie. Have you asked him to take care of you? To help heal you, and to help you find comfort? I know you keed to keep praying for Kenzie, but don't forget about YOU!

There is also a song that reminds me of you. If you have time to listen to it please do. Angels among us by Alabama.

Sorry if I said this that may have offended you. You are an amazing person and deserve to be happy.

Tyler & Shanna said...

Kendra,
Don't ever stop praying. Even if you can't get the words out, i believe God knows the in's and out's of your heart. I'm positive that Kenzie is being taken care of in the best way imaginable! Complete happiness is hers and always will be. Someone mentioned on another post that she was too special for this evil world we live in,(not exact words) I honestly believe there is SO much truth to that! What a special mom you must be to have had this special little girl and you will always be that special mom that was CHOSEN for her! Always remember that. You were chosen for her and only the best are chosen for the most perfect spirits in Heaven. I took this from a talk i found: I hope it may bring a little comfort.

Too Pure to Live on Earth

“The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”

Anonymous said...

I just thought I would share a blog of a woman who lost her child. It was a diff situation, but she struggled with prayer and her faith and the words she wrote following yhr passing of her son really brought comfort and understanding to me at a hard time. Her name is Heather and if you google Mom4Life and click on her blog, you can go back through her story and testimony.

♥ Stephan & Michelle ♥ said...

Hey Kendra,
I came across these websites that maybe you might like or be interesting in. I know its hard to know if your baby is ok or not, but what better person to watch over her, and place to be then heaven. She is safe, and Im sure having the time of her life. I know sometimes it hard not getting your prayers answered. But slowly your find answers. You guys take care.


http://www.utahshare.blogspot.com/

http://www.utahshare.org/4436.html

Barry and Jeanni said...

I can't remember how I found your blog- but I am glad I did. My heart aches for you and your loss. I read a statement on a blog once that touched me and wanted to share it with you:
The best way to feel Heaven in your home, is to have someone from your home in Heaven. I pray that in this difficult time you will feel Heavenly Fathers presence in your home and feel of his love for you! Your sweet baby is doing wonderful things in heaven right now, and watching over you! I bet your ancestors are having a ball with her!

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

The best thing about our prayers is that I believe that Heavenly Father already knows what we want to say even before we say them; so even if you can't get anything out He knows what's in your heart.

I have a picture on our wall of Jesus holding an infant boy that is there to remind me who is holding our little man until we can again. Heavenly Father will take the best care of your little Kenzie until you get there to do it yourself.

Remember...one foot in front of the other one day at a time. Your blog is so moving all the time, you have such a great way with words. I feel like I know you even though we've never met. Take care.

Jenni said...

I'm sure that you do have these thoughts and reservations about if your little girl is happy and if she ever comes to visit. I would have the same feelings if it were me in your situation. But as an outsider, I hope you can rely on our knowledge of the fact that she is extremely happy. That she probably looks down and sees you every single day. That she knows how hard this must be for you, but wants you to be happy too, because she is. It's so hard to see the "big picture", especially when going through something like this. But I think if we could see beyond the veil, we'd be amazed at what we have to look forward to with our families.
My prayers for you have changed too. They, too, went from praying for a miracle for your baby girl to praying for you and Ryan to have peace and know that your daughter if free of pain and breathes easily now.
I hope that you feel of our love and concern for you and your family. Big hugs!!!

Anonymous said...

Kendra
Remember Heavenly Father loves YOU and YOU need to trust that He is caring for MaKenzie. She is doing good and those watching over her will always make sure she knows YOU.
Take time to heal Kendra, that is what Makenzie would want most of all from you. She knows she will see you again and time does pass quickly. Know You are greatly loved by many and we know it will take time for you to heal, find purpose in why MaKenzie was here and given to YOU a very special mother, one that the Lord knew could give her all she needed in the short time she was here. I think of her and you, and Ryan often and pray for you to heal to know MaKenzie is alright and she wants YOU to heal. Feel her in the silence of your heart and mind and you will feel her presence, she will always love you and thank you for the mother you are and she looks forward to the day when she too will be with you and Ryan again. Know that for a surety Kendra it is what she would want. The pain will go one day but remembering will always be there. You are special and was given a special purpose with MaKenzie, she knew that from the beginning and it will always be with her. Being mad is one of the processes you have to pass through and it is alright, don't stay there thought you have much to accomplish and MaKenzie wants you to accomplish much in this life, she does love you and agin listen to the silence in your heart and mind and you will know of her love for you.
Love you so much sweet girl
Mona

Anonymous said...

Kendra, i stumbled across your blog and thought i'd share my two scents.
I know what you're going through is hard, we too have lost a child. It does take alot of faith and time to realize that your child is being taken care of (even if it is my someone else( (FOR NOW) but you will get through it.
Just remember, YOUR heavenly father won't and doesn't give you anything you can't handle. Kenzie chose you and ryan to ber her parents, knowing how hard it would be to see her leave, knowing you could and would handle it.

She and heavenly father LOVE you, she is helping him with a bigger situation he could not do without her. She is special (you already know that though).

I hope you can forgive God for taking your baby from you, for making you go through this pain but i promise you, you will understand it one day.

I hope you don't mind these somewhat harsh word but someone once told me something along the same line and it did WONDERS for me and my family.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. always.

Anonymous said...

Read this and though of you.
"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers."
Gordon B. Hinckley

chelsieaw said...

Kendra,

I felt the same way when my daughter passed and then my husband. That my prayers weren't being answered. I questioned god, my faith, my trust, my everything and I promise it is perfectly normal for you to feel that way and to be angry is just one of the many steps you will go through during your grievance process. I can't say that you will ever believe in the power of prayers when you feel that they were not answered. But believe that things do happen for a reason and one day you will understand why and you will be able to make peace with god again. Hang in there. You are an amazing person and Kenzie is sending you hugs and kisses from heaven everyday.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails