Monday, February 1, 2010

dream

Since I lost Kenzie I haven't been able to sleep very good at night. I'm exhausted from the day but when I lay down to sleep my mind goes crazy- I cant sleep! If I go to sleep I toss and turn all night. I have not been able to wake up and feel rested at all. Last night I took a little sleep aid. I have a math test and have been feeling extra stressed so I thought I need to pass out and get a deep sleep in.
When I woke up this morning it was the first morning since Makenzie died that I could vividly remember my dream from the night before. It was the first dream I actually thought was real and baby Makenzie was in it.
I immediately got on here and had to write what I dreamt so I wouldn't forget-


I dreamed kenzie just died.

i wouldn't let the hospital do anything to her yet and everyday i would go up to the hospital and just hold her dead body. the doctors and nurses were starting to become angry and upset that i hadn't moved on. i would yell at them and tell them to take care of my baby. after a final fight with one doctor, kenzie started moving right then in my arms. They said 'oh sometimes that happens, lets give her some medicine. she isn't alive its just nerves'. Before they got back with the medicine she opened her eyes and started breathing. I was freaking out- i was so excited yet i kept thinking she might have brain damage for being dead for almost a week and now coming back to life, but I didn't care. I just wanted her. Her eyes were perfect. They were bright blue- she gave me a little smile. I held her so close. Some of my family was there.

Kenzie and I layed down on a bed that was close- we looked up and for some reason this hospital didn't have a ceiling, it was just the night sky. It was full of stars. Some twinkling. All the sudden I saw 3 shooting starts fly across the sky. I got so excited and was telling kenzie about them. She smiled and all the sudden hundred and I mean hundreds of shooting starts flew across the sky and all the stars kind of stopped instead of going and disappearing. It was so calm. Everyone around just watched the sky. Everyone started crying. Then all you could hear was laughter. It wasn't from in the hospital it was from in the sky, from Heaven. It was hundreds of kids laughing.

Next thing I know I'm holding kenzie again. She started having trouble breathing and her eyes closed. I kept telling her how much I love her over and over. The doc. gave her some medicine and she died again. In my arms again.

I know some of this seems random and doesn't make sense but that's what happens in dreams.
I woke up feeling peace.
I just layed in bed telling Makenzie how much I love her. I told her to fly. I told her I want her to laugh with all those other kids. I let Makenzie go because I couldn't imagine her living the life she would lead here on earth. How could I hold her back now from experiencing Heaven. How could I hold her back from spreading her wings? I miss her, I ache for her but just like December 13th- my obligation as her Mother is to set her free. Its not about me anymore.

13 comments :

Anonymous said...

I think little Kenzie is telling you that the three of you will always be together, shooting across the universe in heart, and one day together again for real. I think that she was showing you what a wonderful place her heaven is with thousands of happy kids all laughing and playing together. I think she came back to tell you that she is okay and will always be a star shining down, smiling down on you.

chelsieaw said...

I truly believe they visit you in your dreams. I know when i dream of my daughter and husband I want so much to go back to that dream anything to see them again, to touch them again but i know its a dream, a way for me to keep them close to me. What a beautiful dream of your angel and her heaven.
much love, chelsie

Emma said...

Again, you amaze me. I think you telling your sweet Kenzie to be free was another selfless, love-filled act. You are an amazing mom, and Kenzie coudln't have had anyone more perfect her. Hugs, Emma

Alerie said...

This was beautiful and I am so happy that you got to experience this. Dreams are amazing!! I too believe that she was telling you how wonderful heaven is and how many friends she has there to play with every day. You, Ryan and Makenzie are a beautiful family and will ALWAYS be together!!

Jenni said...

Wow...Amazing Kendra! I'm so happy you could have that dream. Heavenly Father is watching over you and listening to your prayers. I knew it...love you!

Andrea said...

You are such a good mommy! She loves you so much even though she can only visit you in your dreams she is close to you often. I hope that I am as strong as you when my son passes away.

Gaspegirl said...

What a beautiful visit from Kenzie! I am tearful here because she got through to you. God bless you and know that she is sending you kisses with all those shooting stars! (((hugs)))

Marge

Stacy said...

What a beautiful dream! How awesome that Kenzie gave you a glimpse of what Heaven is - and what she is experiencing, and what you too, will experience with her! I am so glad you were able to wake up with peace!! ~ Stacy

Anonymous said...

I was curious about your dream because i knew it was a message form your little Kenzie.
I got online and did a littler "searching" for you.

Here are what some things in your dream represent and meant.

A Hospital: To see or dream that you are in a hospital for yourself or another being, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. Alternatively, it suggests that you are giving up control of your own body or that you are afraid of losing control of your body.

Death: To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life

Family (beacause SOME were at the hospital with you): To see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. It could also symbolize bitterness, jealousy, or rivalry, depending on your relationship with your family. Alternatively, it could mean that you are overly dependent on your family, especially if the family members are in your recurring dreams .Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them

No Ceiling: To see a room with no ceiling in your dream, represents a mental or spiritual perspective. It may also symbolize the limit you have set for yourself

Shooting Stars: To see a shooting star in your dream, is a sign of self-fulfilment and advancement. A shooting star is also symbolic of a new birth and changes in your life

Daughter: Seeing your daughter in your dream, represents your waking relationship with your daughter and the qualities that she projects. If you do not have a daughter, then it symbolizes the feminine aspect within yourself

You can get online and type in ANYTHING to see what it means. Colors, time of day, smells, tastes...ANYTHING.
Hopefully you understand why you dreamed what you dreamed.

Anonymous said...

i forgot the best one!

Laughing: To hear the cheerful laughter of children, denotes their splendid joy and vital health.

Kenzie does have splendid joy and vital health. I love that thats what it meant!

debbie said...

Hi, Kendra. I'm starting to feel weird about commenting on your blog all the time - like I'm a stalker! So I really hope you don't mind. I just wanted to tell you I was so happy to read that you had a powerful dream and that you woke up feeling peace. I am thinking of you and praying for you every day! Love, Debbie

TMI Tara said...

Oh, Kendra, this is such a beautiful dream and gift to you from Makenzie. I will never look at a star the same, especially shooting stars. I'm so glad you were able to have this dream, it is so special. I'm so glad you wrote down all the details, so you can come back to it and remember it vividly.

Have you tried taking Melatonin to help you sleep? It is all-natural, your body has melatonin in it already. You just give it an extra dose. I take 3-6 grams when I can't sleep. I try to take it a couple hours before I want to go to sleep. It doesn't make you drowsy the next day. It works wonders for me. Hope you can get some good sleep, it will make all the difference in the world.

Love you.

TMI Tara said...

Oh, p.s., you just get Melatonin over the counter in the pharmacy department.

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