Thursday, January 28, 2010

The way she changed our life is beyond description.

-That Day-
I know I wrote about Makenzie's passing before but I wanted to write again.
I keep getting that image in my head.
The image of her taking her last breath.
I was in the recliner chair in her hospital room, her grandparents just walked in and I wanted them to get a chance to hold her before they took the tube out in another few hours. I really didn't want to let anyone else hold her but I felt they should.
Then the tube came out unexpectedly, what seemed like hundreds of doctors, nurses, RT's and everyone else flooded our room. They asked me if I was ready for her to go- if they could finish taking the tube out and let her pass. She had no drugs so she was awake, trying to breath. I didn't know what to say.
I wanted her to have a peaceful passing- more than anything I didn't want her to suffer.
I said okay, she is ready-
I asked if they would hurry and get her some medicine-
A poke here, a fast IV there.
The recliner was up- my legs were up and I was so uncomfortable. I tried to push it down but couldn't. I wanted to push away from everyone of those people and just hold my baby- Alone.
I didn't want her to struggle so they gave her oxygen until the medicine kicked in.
I held her.
I tried to hold her hand but her fingers had no strength.
I was talking to her-
Ryan and i both kept telling her that she was okay- that we were there and we love her.
they threw her crib out into the hall.
they pushed everything else in that room into the hall to give us space.
only minutes later they all left the room. it was just
grandma Diane
grandma Becky
grandpa Randy
daddy
mommy
Makenzie
and a whole lot of angels.
what was that like for our parents,
to stand by watching your child loose their child.
i hurt for them.
Makenzie tried to breath a little but she went very fast.
She was ready to go.
You can see in every picture, every video and in my head of all the memories that she was exhausted. She spent the last 2 months of her life doing everything she could just to breath. Just to stay strong so Ryan and I could have a few more moments with her.
How can she be so strong?
I can feel her tiny little body go limp in my arms.
I can smell that horrible tape they finally removed from her perfect little face.
I held her against me.
I cried on her.
Ryan held both of us.
We sobbed.
That moment was the last moment we would have with her.
The way she changed our life is beyond description.
I stroked her face.
I kissed her over and over.
I touched every part of her body.
I put my finger in her mouth- she loved sucking on my finger those last few months.
I felt her tongue
I felt her lips
I felt her warm body turn cool
Her lips turned pale.
I wanted to yell and tell her to open her eyes.
I secretly wished all day for a miracle and that she would breath after those tubes were gone.
I walked around the room with her.
I danced with her.
We bathed her - her last bath.
Her grandparents held her.
Her Daddy held her.
I didn't want to leave. How was I suppose to hand over my daughter to her nurse?
They gave Kenzie a cute blanket to keep her wrapped in.
I was so worried no one would take care of her body.
I was scared they wouldn't treat her with care and love.
I was scared for her body to turn cold- I didn't want her to be cold.
I wanted to watch her all night.
I finally had to go.
I had to hand my baby over to her nurse.
I have no idea how I did it.
I have no idea how I left that hospital.
I have no idea how I drove away without Makenzie.
We sent her balloons to Heaven that night.
I felt numb.
It wasn't real.
I didn't realize what just happened until later.
The next morning was the first reality check,
I laid in that hotel bed, praying the night before was a horrible nightmare.
I begged God to bring her back.
I begged him to not let this be my life.
It took me a long time to open my eyes.
The first day without her.
45 days later
and I still lay in bed before I open my eyes and beg God to give her back
I wonder how this is really my life, I question how I will take that shower, get ready and move through the day- another day without her.
oh how i miss her.

20 comments :

Rachel said...

my heart is breaking for you. i have no words, i can't even imagine. one day maybe this will make sense. maybe never. i can only hope that this hell...this hole you feel will someday lessen and that you can breathe again.

please email me if there is anything i can do for you. i know we don't know each other, but i am here. i can listen. rachelmantuano@gmail.com

starnes family said...

Me, too, Kendra. I read your posts and comment without quite knowing what to say. I'm here if you need me.

Casey

starnesco@yahoo.com

Emma said...

I write this with tears streaming down my face. I wish all of us 'feeling your pain' could ease yours, sadly, grief doesn't allow that, but I wish it did. I can't imagine what you are going through, but you are so, so strong. I want your parents to know my prayers are with them too. I often think of how hard it would be for them, to see you going through such a loss, while grieving the loss of their sweet little grandbaby. And you, how amazing you are to take each day as it comes. To put one foot in front of another and to stand back up when you are down. I know Kenzie is sending you love and strength always, just as you gave her here on Earth and sent her to Heaven with. I hope you feel the love so many of us have for you, even without knowing you. I wish I could give you a hug, let you cry, let you get it out....simply, I wish there was something, anything I could do. Hugs, Emma

Melanie Parker said...

Kendra, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you and Ryan. You are both amazingly strong. You may not see it now, but to me you are. I pray the Lord will be with you and Makenzie too!

Alerie said...
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Alerie said...
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Katie Danner said...

Wow, what a truly sacred experience that her little soul blessed your lives with. She is absolutely an angel, and what a beautiful life she had/has. Love you Kendra.

Jenni said...

Kendra, I don't even know what to say. All I know is that I can feel your love for her and her love for you too, so much, through all of your posts. There is no doubt in my mind that this sweet angel is looking down, watching over you from the other side. I am so, so sorry you had to go through this. There is this sondg called "like Stones In A River" that I love. It talks about how sometimes we go through these difficult trials like a current moving strong. But when we can overcome our trials, we find that we are polished and smoothed like a stone in a river. I love that song. Maybe you could google it and listen to it.
I hope someday you'll be able to turn your hurt to the Savior and be able to remember all the wonderful memories without all the pain. I'm praying for you sweetie!!! Lots of love!

debbie said...

Thank you for sharing such a personal experience about Makenzie. I think you are helping so many of us with your willingness to share. Like others have said, I feel an immense amount of love for you and Makenzie (and even Ryan :). I hope that you can feel our love and prayers.

Lisa F said...

How cherished and precious are those memories. And how courageous and generous you are to share them with us!

TMI Tara said...

Love you and praying for you to make it through each day. I hope you feel those angels all around YOU because they are there for you now, just like they were that day. {{HUGS}}

Jessica and Reecey said...

This was so beautiful, and even though I don't know you, I love you for sharing it. I am sobbing as I write this, because I can't imagine ever experiencing what you had to experience with your beautiful little girl. I want you to know that you are in my prayers. Thank you so much for commenting on my blog and allowing me to hear your story. You are amazing and I admire you so much, probably more than you will ever know. You will get to hold your girl tight again someday. That I am absolutely sure of.

Catherine said...

Kendra,

I don't know you, and I'm pretty sure you don't know me. I found your blog through a couple of friends of a friend - otherwise known as "blog stalking." But I have to tell you what an amazing mother you are. The love you have for your sweet daughter and husband is something that has been such an example to me. Because of you I have taken in every bottle feeding, smile, touch of the hand, coo, and laughter of my own daughter and son. You have taught me to appreciate every minute I have with my children, and I have to THANK YOU for that. You have single handedly changed my perception of motherhood and how I should approach each day. Instead of waking up annoyed and tired each day, I wake up excited to hold and love my two babies. I hope you know I have a prayer for you and your sweet husband in my heart. Your daughter has taught me how precious life is, and how beautiful and graceful a child can be. Thank you.

And I KNOW, after the death of my mother...you WILL see her again and she is in good hands. She is too precious and beautiful and perfect. You will hold her again someday, and you will feel her spirit from time to time. I know she must miss you too! You are an amazing mother...how could she not?

brigette said...

Oh kendra I'm so sorry! That pain of having to hand your baby over to someone else rips your heart out. I will never forget having to hand over kael to the mortition to take him to the funeral home I thought I would die that minute! The good news is you never forget but the pain will ease. I still have terrible days but not every day and I hope you can get to that point to. Its so hard! My prayers are with you!! The offer still stands when your ready to talk!

Gina said...

I randomly came across your blog today...
In the past year I have known or heard of so many who have lost children. Each time my heart breaks. Really.
There is nothing I can say to make the pain stop, or make the loss go away. Take the time you need to grieve. And do what you need to do. Cry. Weep. Or even Laugh if you so desire.
Just know I will be praying for you. For your husband. And for your parents.
This blog entry was a difficult read. As the tears streamed down and I tried to hold my composure.
She was a BEAUTIFUL girl. And I am sure she touched Everyone's heart that she met. And continues to do so :)
Although I do not know you, I wish I could be a shoulder for you to cry on...or to be a person to encourage you each day, to remember her, love her, and live in memory of her.
So for now...
You will be okay, as one day you WILL see her again.
She Loves and Loved you. As does God, your Husband, and your family.
Hugs (& Prayers)*

Olga said...

I met a little girl the other day who had the same birthday as McKenzie who was going to PCMC with RSV. I thought of you and told her mommy to cherish her baby always, both of your families got a prayer form me during that trip to the ER.

Emma said...

Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts today...I hope it was a day filled with moments of peace and lots of love. Em

ML said...

We are thinking of you and your family. I can't even imagine how hard it must be, but you have been a wonderful example of strength and courage.

Sam and Julie said...

Kendra,
Your words are perfect; the way she changed all of our lives is beyond description. The way you changed all of our lives is beyond description.

I cant even imagine how much you miss her. Miss stroking her face, kissing her and holding her perfect little hands. Never forget that. Those moments are truly heaven on earth.


Hugs and kisses from California

Julie
xoxo

Natalie said...

Gosh! I posted about an hour ago that I was crying - sitting here reading your blog. What an understatement. I get to this one and I'm full on SOBBING. I've run out of kleenex and have resorted to using a bath towel to wipe my tears and snot on, as my shirt is soaked as well. Bless your heart. How do you do it?? I am so sorry you have to go through this.

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