Wednesday, January 27, 2010

oh the places you'll go

i was refereed to another blog-
a blog by this wonderful women who also lost her daughter.
her words seem identical to mine. she writes so well.
I'm taking one of her post ideas because it really hit me when i read it.

when i was till pregnant with makenzie, i became obsessed with buying her books. i went to B&N at least once a week. i was determined she would have every book i can remember reading growing up. i found the best books and honestly- we read every single one. probably a few times in her life. we loved to read together. she loved the pictures. one of the books i bought was by Dr. Seuss... oh the places you'll go...
when i was in Jr. high i experienced my first real- grow up fast- experience.
my little brother and i were taken out of our home and went to live with my sister and her husband. they are some amazing people. just a few years older than ryan and i are now when they took in 2 pre-teens who were coming out of a yucky situation. they were and continue to be incredible. while we lived there i read this book many times, it seemed to fit my life at the time. they had it on the shelf in the family room and i loved it-
when i spoke at my jr. high graduation i refereed to this book.
through high school i would recite different passages from this book to myself.
and when i saw this book in B&N i knew i had to get it for Kenzie.
she would learn from this book like i did and use some of its words to get through things like i have. who would have thought-
its me again looking back to this book for guidance.

** read full text here **
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose?
How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters?

Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
On you will go though the weather be foul.

On you will go though your enemies prowl.
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

im stuck on a prickle-ly perch.
im in a slump.
im in a place that the streets are dark.
on i am going... i am still moving. i am still breathing.
will i be that 98 and 3/4 percent that will succeed?
or will i be the other 1 and 1/4 that does not?
some times i feel ill make it, someday, but then ill trip up and have to start over.

over the past few weeks i have had people come to me and tell me about different things that have have happened in their life- its almost like they will find anything that they can and try to relate to me. they feel they have to try and relate to the pain i am in, the fear i have, the heavy heavy load I'm caring everyday. when they tell me they had a miscarriage, their child to was in the ICU but got better or a relative died they always follow with-
i know that its nothing compared to what your going through.
my response: stop it - life sucks!
for you, for me, for everyone.
we all have something now, in the past or in the future where we are left on a lurch and we have to find a way to keep moving. just because your child was able to get out of the ICU and got better doesn't mean you don't know that pain- you sat next to your baby who is sick- you may have had to look death in the eye- and even though it wasn't your daughter who died and your daughter that you had to bury, doesn't mean you don't have your own heartache. every time i read a comment someone writes, an email someone sends or talk to friends, family- anyone, i say a little prayer that you are watched over in life. that maybe your load will be lightened a little. i believe everyone could use a lighter load. maybe because of my story you can not get so overwhelmed with your children quite as much or maybe you wont take life for granted- i am learning from me, from this situation, from my makenzie. i wish i knew why some people have to experience this kind of pain and others don't. i wish i knew why our trials can vary from so small to so large. i wish i knew how God choose which people would live those lives. i pray someday we will all know.

for now- please don't feel you shouldnt complain about your struggles because they may seem smaller compared to others- they are big to you and that's a big deal, please don't feel you cant come to me, please don't feel you shouldn't tell me how you were so frustrated with your little ones today because they just wouldn't listen, i was once a mom to and i kinda understand :), please don't feel you cant talk to me about my daughter. i need to talk about her. i want you to ask about her. if i don't feel ready or like i can- ill tell you, but let me decide.
i hope and pray we all succeed as we make our way through this thing called life-

16 comments :

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU KEN. YOU ARE AMAZING. I AM SO BLESSED TO CALL YOU MY DAUGHTER. I LOVE AND MISS MCKENZIE SO MUCH TOO. LOVE MOM

Olga said...

Hey Kendra,
I'm not on facebook anymore but I wanted to stay in touch with you the best I can, and i still wanted to share some songs with you that have really helped me in my times of need. One I listen to quite often these days is called "Love Never Fails" by Brandon Heath, you should check it out on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geVbSntnOd8
Send me an email if you ever want/need to talk :)
Olga

starnes family said...

Hi, Kendra. Another beautiful post....

Oddly enough, I was going to send you the link to a blog whose family lost their daughter as well. She's an amazing woman.

http://www.thewhitts.com/half12/

xo, Casey

TMI Tara said...

This post is so beautiful, Kendra. I absolutely love that picture, it captures so many emotions and I'm sure it is such a treasure to you. I'm so glad you've found a blog that you can relate to. I hope you continue to find support and answers in unexpected places. I'm thinking of you and praying for you always! Love ya

Alerie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AJ and Cindy said...

Hi Kendra, I just wanted to pop over and say hello and that I have been thinking about you :) thanks for sharing your feelings and emotions. Just over the past couple days, bc of you , I have been trying harder to show the people I love that I love them, and to not take anyone for granted, thank you so much :)

Jason and Kendra said...

Hi, I don't know you and you don't know me. I came across your blog the other day I tell you how strong of a person you are. Your post is exactly right. It makes me remeber how scared I was that my little boy might not make it home, that I might not get to do certain things with him. And now that he is home, when he is crying or having a rough day, when I feel like I just can't take it anymore, reading your blog helps me to remember to not take him for granted, helps remind me that I could be having a worse day without him. So, I wanted to say Thank You. You are a truly strong and special person, and you are in my prayers. Thanks again.

Annie said...

Thank you for showing everyone out there that life is hard no matter what! I do not have kids but I have had trials in my life and I am sure I will have more. Thank you for reminding me that my life is just that mine and I should not compare it to others because we all have our own. you are a strong woman and I hope I can be as strong as you someday! Hang in there. Things will get better. We may not have all the answers but in time we can all learn! God has a plan for you and though you may not know what it is he knows what he is doing and will not hand you anything you can not handle. Be strong! much love!

Ryan*Thierry*Hayden*Mylie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
{owens} said...

websters...
i commented once before and i read your blog every day. i loved this post. i have to run out to B&N now and purchase this book i haven't read in ages. please know that there are people here (ones who you don't even know, like me) who think and pray about you daily. i won't stop reading...you are an inspiration, and i know makenzie is super proud to be your daughter.
love ashley

Tristan said...

That is such a beautiful picture of your dear, sweet family. It somewhat gives us a glimpse of what you are feeling and expresses so much. Maybe people try to relate a little bit but they don't want to compare because they don't want to minimize your feelings. They know your pain is real. You are completely right about each of us having our own trials. I hope I can better understand why we get the trials we do too someday! I know though that the Lord will never give us more than we can bear even though at times some situations may seem beyond us. The Lord must really trust you and know your strength.

Robin + Annie said...

This is a really cute blog, I myself have thought about how I wanted to get my "future" kids all the dr. suess books too. I also like the pic on this blog its so cute. I love you, hang in there.

KendraJane said...

love love love the picture! Gave me goosebumps!

Emma said...

What emotion, love and strength is shown in that picture. Your sweet little girl is just the most precious, adorable baby girl and your love for her is so evident in the picture, and in your words. I have no doubt you will be part of the 98% that get through, one day at a time, sometimes taking a step or two backwards but slowly moving forward. There is a big difference between moving forward and moving on...you will never "move on", nor would you want to, your sweet girl is so precious, and such a huge part of you and Ryan, but slowly you will move forward. I have never read that Dr.Suess book, and we have lots so I am surprised, bt I am going to go and get it and each time I read it I will think of you and Kenzie.
Once again, thank you for sharing yourself and your incredible giving heart...you amaze me daily...I wish I was lucky enough to actually "know" you, but feel so lucky to learn from you and share with you through your blog. Thinking of you today, as always, Em

debbie said...

Kendra, this really is an amazing picture! Makenzie is looking up like she knows so much! I'm also inspired to own this book. I've read it before, but it's definitely one to own and share with the family. Thank you for your post and your strength and love. I think about you and pray for you throughout the day.

Linds said...

Oh the Places You'll Go. . . is one of my all-time favorite books. I have my Rec Therapy groups read it all the time. You can get so much out of kids book-so simple.

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