Tuesday, January 19, 2010

fear

when will i be ready for you to fly?
of course i want you to be happy and free,
i want you to spread your wings.
im scared to tell you to fly.
im worried you wont come back.

my real fear-
heaven isnt real.
there isnt anything after this.
how can i think that?
because im so desperate to see you again; im that much more terrified that it might not happen.

when i talk to ryan about it, he tells me...
"if you dont believe in anything else in your life, believe in heaven"
i desperately want to know.
i have a hard time with trust.
to trust that kenzie is happy
to trust that kenzie is free
to trust that kenzie is with god
would you trust someone else with your child?
would you ever have a doubt where they are?

maybe this is just another hurdle.
i keep running but cant seem to jump high enough.
ill keep running though, ill keep jumping and someday ill learn to clear that hurdle and feel something. i hope to have peace.
im sad. im so sad that it consumes me.
im desperate to feel my daughter. i cant feel her.
i dont know how to feel.
so many people with different beliefs tell me how heaven is, what they believe and think.
i get confused.
what i once though- im now in doubt.
i dont want to be wrong. i dont want to make the wrong choice and not see my baby again.
i keep getting told ill see her if i do this or if i do that. or ill see her no matter what.
who is right? who is wrong?
im praying. im begging. i still dont know.
i hate that it was makenzie.
i hate that any parent out there has had to lose a child.
this is a pain i will live with for the rest of my life. i will never have my daughter while im here on earth. i will grow old without makenzie. im sad my dreams are gone.
im sad i still cant tell kenzie to fly. i want her to fly- i want to believe she can fly.
its like im debating with myself.
---what i want to believe and the unknown.

22 comments :

The Pachuilo Family said...

Oh Kendra,
You are probably going through a phase. But I will tell you that I know she is with Heavenly Father and she is safe and happy. I know that she would want you to know that too.
I know you may be angry with God right now, but don't give up. He is always there for you and Ryan. He will never turn you away. Kenzie wants to be with you and Ryan forever. I know you know what you have to do. She is waiting for you to make that next step to become an eternal family. Kendra don't second guess what can bring you so much happiness and comfort.
I am truly sorry that she is gone. I pray for you to find what you are looking for, for you to get the answers you need. I pray that you will be comforted by our Savior and to be able to feel his love surround you. I know a little of where you are coming from as I have too just lost a loved one that I was very close with. I know that what the Savior has in store for us is not always what we want, but it's in those hard times that we need to turn to Him for that love, comfort and understanding. Kendra I bear testimony too you that this isn't the end and that we all will be reunited with our families again in Heaven.
Just remember your Heavenly Father is there waiting for you to come unto him, open that door and feel his love. You are not alone, he too knows what you are going through for he too has gone through it.
I hope and pray for you that you will find what your looking for. {{HUGS}}

Anonymous said...

I truly believe that we walk by faith and not by sight. Its not your actions, not how many rosaries you say, or how many conversations you have with your bishop that get you there.

Believing in God and professing that he is the Lord and Savior of your life is what it takes to go to heaven. I believe that you will see your daughter again and she is being so well taken care of and loved until you get there.

Anonymous said...

Jim and I were having a conversation with Rick on New Years. For some reason we were talking about heaven. Rick was saying that heaven is what you make it and what you want it to be. That will give you something to look forward to when you pass on. There have been so many times that your brother has given me some insight.....this was just another time. I hope that you still have my phone number in your facebook inbox. Please call.....Love, Jami

starnes family said...

Beautiful words and real questions. I admire your strength, Kendra.

Emma said...

I wish I had an answer for you, to give you some concrete 'proof' of what lies ahead but these questions are so natural, your feelings so 'normal' under the circumstances. These are all thoughts anyone would have, it is part of our mind processing what is happening...something it will never fully be able to understand.

As for Kenzie, I have no doubt no matter what Heaven you believe in, that she is flying. I know it sounds totally cheesy but she IS flying, flying on the wings of your love. (told ya, corny) but so, so true. You loved her like only you and Ryan could and regardless of wanting her here, she is still flying. You wanting her here with you is NOT, in anyway, stopping her from being happy or free. You love for her is completely what is letting her do those things...she is just waiting for the day you feel free, you feel at peace, because of the love she has for you.

Keep thinking, keep processing and keep loving (not that it would ever stop), and you will make slow steps....take care, Love Em

Alerie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alerie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alerie said...

Kendra I am so sorry you are feeling ALL of this. It is something I too wish no one had to go through. I think it is all very normal for you to be wondering and having these questions. There is nothing wrong with that. I really wish I did have your email, because I don't want to offend anyone. I feel that everyone has a right to their own beliefs and I respect that and I don't look at others in a bad way if they do not believe in what I personally believe. I am very familiar with the religion you grew up in (growing up in one of the most populated states of the LDS religion). In fact I dated a boy all throughout high school that was LDS and learned a lot about the religion. Many of my and my husband's friends are LDS. I am glad they have it in their lives, they all have really good family and moral values. I wish nothing more than for everyone to find a church or belief that makes them happy. I think that is all that matters!! But basically what I am trying to say is I know that people are probably telling you that you will have her again in heaven if you live a "righteous" life, if you get "sealed" in the temple and so on. I know this can be scary, because you DO so badly want to be with her again and people are telling you this is the only way. I personally believe that you will again see your daughter again in heaven if you believe in God and if you live your life for him and follow him. This is what I have been taught. The religion that I believe teaches that those who aren't our religion will still go to heaven as long as they believe in the Lord (Romans 10:9-13). I hate to get on the topic of religion, because I know that it can be a touchy one. I just don't want you to feel like you HAVE to do something in order to see your little Makenzie again. If you feel best by doing certain things in order to see her then that is fine too. You have to do what is going to make you happy and feel the best. Everyone who loves you will support you with whatever you decide. You and Ryan will have Makenzie again no matter what religion you believe in or what you may think heaven is like. She is there "flying" around, being so well taken care of and waiting for you. I pray that you start to feel some peace/comfort and get the answers you are looking for. Look up that bible verse, I hope that it will bring you some comfort. I am always thinking of you. Much love to you and Ryan!!

P.S. - I don't personally know you, but I feel like I do from your blog. AND from that, I can honestly say you WILL see Makenzie again and you will be together FOREVER and be able to do ANYTHING you want together!! Your dreams are just on hold they don't have to be gone!! LOTS OF HUGS!!

TMI Tara said...

Oh sweet Kendra. Your words are so honest and beautiful and, as your friend, painful. I believe that if you keep seeking the answers you are looking for, you WILL find them. And I do believe when you find those answers, you will have peace and comfort that will carry you throughout your life. Keep seeking, Kendra. Maybe when you're worried about what Kenzie is doing right now you can pray about that.... 'is Kenzie okay right now?' I think the answer will come and carry you until you have that worry and fear again, and then you can pray again. Sometimes (for me) it's easier to get through a moment rather than trying to see the whole picture when I can't see past the moment. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I have been able to get through trials before.

When I was questioning all things spiritual for a few years, I really studied the possibility of life after death, prayed, cried, wondered how I could ever know. And then one day I was in a science class and it was being explained that energy cannot be destroyed. For me, the several years of praying paid off in that moment. It struck me in my heart and in my mind and I knew that there WAS a life after death, because a person is made of energy and it has been proven that energy cannot be destroyed.

That was how the answer came to me. It probably seems crazy to other people, but it was real and has sustained me through some very difficult times. Since then, my belief has been affirmed and made a reality as I have felt the presence of angels in my life, and it is NOT possible for me to believe that there isn't a heaven. It is as real to me as anything I've ever been able to see or touch.

When Oby's Uncle Jack was in the hospital and we knew his time on earth would not last much longer, Chloe brought some special messages to our family. Even though she is non-verbal, she definitely DOES speaks spirit to spirit (I'm sure you had some spirit to spirit conversations with Kenzie). Chloe told Oby's dad that Jack would be going to heaven to be with Jesus and not to be sad because heaven is SO beautiful. Oby's dad told me this and I thought it was so special. Later that day I was in the room with Jack's wife, Oby's mom and Chloe. Jack's wife was able to spend some time with Chloe right then. After Chloe and I left the room, Jack's wife told Oby's mom that Chloe had told her the EXACT (word for word) thing, even though NO ONE had told her what Oby's dad had said. I know it was real and that Chloe is very aware of heaven and angels.

I also believe Chloe has been playing and talking with Uncle Jack a few times since he passed away. She will be looking off into space, and just laughing and giggling, then babbling like she does. One time, I said, Chloe are you talking to Uncle Jack? She can nod yes and say, "uh-huh," both of which she did after I asked her that question. Uncle Jack is so close and we feel him near.

Even though Chloe is mostly non-verbal, she has said a few words clear as day, and even a few sentences. Well one time in December when Kenzie was still in the hospital, Chloe and I were praying. I was praying for all of you to have peace and comfort and to be able to make the terrible decision you faced. As I was saying these words in my prayer, Chloe said, "Mommy, heaven," just as clear as day. I've never told anyone that before. You may not believe me, but it is all very true.

Andrea said...

I was told once when I was fearful that I would not be with my son after he dies that fear and faith cannot coincide in the same person at the same time. You are and have been in my prayers that you will find what you are looking for and that you will have the comfort you need.

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

I'm no expert in what will get you to heaven or what won't. All I know is that I believe with all my heart that God is a loving God. He knows what it feels like to love children. I don't believe that He would ever take that away from you without the opportunity of getting it back. God loves us, all of us, and he loves our children as well. I believe that He will hold Kenzie for you until you can see her again because He loves you as much as you love Kenzie and He wants you AND her to be happy. Who could possibly love a child more than their mother? Only God. I really believe that. I don't know what religion you are and you don't know what I am; and it doesn't matter. You love your little girl and I don't believe that God would ever take her away without (someday) giving her back. But you do have to believe in Him because without belief He is nothing. Keep going Kendra, you are a strong woman.

Megan said...

Hello Kendra,
I have not been able to stop thinking about you, Makenzie and Ryan since I first read your blog a few nights ago. I think about you while I make breakfast, take a shower, clean my house, and especially while I am with my two little girls. I don't even know how I came across your blog in the first place, but I read every post for three hours and cried and cried. I CANNOT imagine the pain you and your husband are going through.
I went to Facebook and voted and will continue to do so everyday until the voting closes. I am saying prayers for you and Ryan.
My personal belief is that you WILL see Makenzie again NO MATTER WHAT. You will hold her and touch her skin and smell her and see her smile. I believe, no matter what path your life takes, that you will be with your daughter again one day.

BRIAN~KANDICE~ALI~ALYSSA said...

You have such a way with words. My heart aches for you. My little girls have been sicklately and here you are dying to just hold your baby, I think you know what heavan is, you just doubt yourself becuase you can't see it. You just have to believe. Go to the temple. You will find comfort there. If you dont have time for that just go outside of the temple and pray and you will feel his spirit and know that your beautiful Kenzie is holding hands with our father in Heaven. he is playing with her and looking down at you saying 'Dont be sad Mommy, I'm in a happy place now. br happy and smile becuase you are my mommy and I love you.' she knows you did everything possible. she knows you love her more than anything in the world. A mothers love is forever. she knows that. she is preparing a beautiful place for you to come one day. It might not be soon, but one day you will see her again I know it's hard to have faith when GOd takes something like this away from you. All I can say is keep praying. pary for stregenth , faith, guidenecne, hope, happiense, courage and anything you need. Heavenly fathers hears your prayers and will help you. He loves us all so much.
I will continue to pray for you. Everyone needs a little prayer everyday.

Barry and Jeanni said...

I hurt for you! Noone is going to be able to take away the pain you are feeling at this time. Time will help to heal your soul. Heavenly Father has promised us that he will carry any burden we can't handle. When you feel your shoulders are too heavy, turn to your Father in Heaven, he loves you and will help you through this difficult time.
I am of LDS faith and my parents were converts when I was little. I became inactive for a period of time when I was first married. When my oldest son was about 5 I started feeling like I was missing something in my life. I needed to know for sure what was true and what I believed. After months and months of soul-searching and praying I finally had my answers to my prayers. Since then my husband and I have been sealed to our beautiful children. I now know without a doubt that we can and will be together forever, it just makes sense! Do I feel you have to be a member of the church to get to Heaven- no. I simply believe you need to pray and seek for what you are missing in your life and Heavenly Father will make it known unto you.
I came across a blog you should visit. This sweet mother lost her son 2 weeks ago and her faith has helped her tremendously! Her blog is http://www.natalienortonphoto.com/
You can feel the peace she feels by reading her words. Maybe you can find comfort in some of the things she shares. Please know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you! Jesus died and was ressurected so that Kenzie can and will live again!

Jake and Leslie Garbanati Family said...

This will pass...and then something will happen-a song, a date, a smell...something, and you begin to question it all again. Then you wake up the next day and it makes sense and the world balances out a bit. The truth is, time does heal all wounds and you are still not far enough away from the traumatic event. It gets easier, it gets better. You will always love her, and she you. Don't give up. Don't ever forget. Love lives on.

Allison said...

This is crazy, sorry to write when I don't know you. I am in your mom's ward, I was looking at the blog of Natalie Norton and saw you wrote, I'm also good friends with Katie Egan. I've heard your story and my heart has ached for you. Your family is so sweet. I feel like I just want to hug you and tell you it's going to be okay through the grief and pain. I haven't lost a child, but I lost my mom last year and we were great friends. The only thing that brings comfort is trying my hardest to believe in God and hope for the promises of heaven. When I do this, confirmations come as a warmth in my heart or a feeling of peace. I don't understand it all, but I do know even if you just try to believe and hope and trust, it's better. Heavenly Father loves you and your daughter and husband, how do I know this? He loves us all and offers His peace as we pray to Him and believe in Him.
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to preach. I just wanted to share what helps me. I know the pain of losing a child has got to be worse, but hang in there and He'll carry you through.
I'm thinking of you and your family. Know you're loved and prayed for by people you don't even know yet :). You are not forgotten.

AJ and Cindy said...

Thank you for commenting on my blog. I remember you commenting before, and I remember checking your blog a few months back. I now just sat and read your entries from the past month and I cried my eyes out the entire time. My heart aches for you and your husband. I am so sorry for your loss, and I want you to know that I think you are an extremely strong person. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, as I believe so strongly in the power of prayer. I will give my Lyla an extra tight squeeze today from the both of us. I hope you will stop by our blog whenever you can, and I will do the same with you :)

Shanna said...

Kendra
I am so glad you found my blog! i am so sorry to hear about your baby girl! She sure is beautiful! You can see that she had such a strong celestial spirit inside her. It's so hard to say good bye when they are only here for a short time, but what I try to think is I get him/her for eternity. I have so much love for the gosple and the plan of salvation. Having Logan die was a lesson I needed to have. It made me realize what really is important in this life. you will get through this.. seriously, Don't feel guilty if you have a good day here and there. you will always long for your child. She will alwyas be by your side. I hav etold many people this who have lost children, but it's true that we as the parents of these celestial children must have done something right in heaven to have been trusted with the lord to have them born to us! What a privalige it is. I would love to talk to you more either through phone or email. My email is shannaleroy@hotmail.com. If you want to talk on the phone I will send you my #! I will keep you guys in my prayers. It's what kept me going is the constant prayers everyone did for me and my family.

Please email me soon! :-)

Tristan said...

I don't know you but I have checked in on your blog every now and then. I am reminded of what's most precious and important to me in this life as I read your story. Thanks for sharing something so personal with me, a complete stranger. You are stronger than you probably think! I know you will see your sweet baby again some day. Heavenly Father is loving and has a plan for His children. He wouldn't just send us to Earth with no hope to return and to continue our loving relationships on the other side of the veil. What a happy reunion it will be when it's your turn to return and you have lived faithful doing everything in your power to be worthy of that reunion. The temple is a great source for peace and happiness in this life and the life to come. Heavenly Father has made it possible to be sealed to our loved ones FOREVER. The scriptures tell us that whatever is bound on Earth is bound in Heaven. This connection will draw you even that much closer to your little one. The temple has been a blessing in my life. The choice is yours but the blessings that await are for you, your daughter, your husband and the rest of your family to come. Stay close to Heavenly Father and He will send the Holy Ghost to comfort you and tell you all things that you should do. You are amazing and you will find out what is right for you.

Alerie said...

Kendra I can't stop thinking about you. I see that you were already directed towards Natalie Norton's Blog. My friend emailed me a link to her blog today to pray for her and I read it and thought of you. I also have come across another lady that is not the same situation as you, but lost her son at 37 weeks pregnant. Here is a link to her blog
http://blog.mom4life.com/
If you go all the way back to May 5, 2008 is when she found out. She wrote almost every day and writes a lot about having faith. Hope this helps. Always praying for you!! Much love to you!!

K said...

Kendra - I am a stranger to you. I found your comment on Natalie's blog. I don't know her, either - but once you have read these things, you feel connected, though strangers. Your comment sang to me. I know what Natalie knows. I haven't lost any of my children, but I know - the world we live in is a little like a passage way. How many have come in one end, while so many beloved ones pass through the other.

You may not be interested in what I might tell you. But if you want to ask me questions or argue in company, I am glad to read you, to offer you the comfort that strengthens Natalie, and my daughters and friends. My own mother has Alzheimer's- a bitter ending of a lovely life. But we see it all in context. It is a loving universe, kiddo. There is a plan. And what is lost to us is home and safe. And McKenzie - I have no doubt at all that she passed through that veil, and then turned back, in full understanding of your love for her, and the devastation in your heart, and will be with you, leading you, always loving you - and waiting for you, her mommy, through your entire life.

So yes. You don't want to lose sight of that. But you don't want to waste the life you have yet to live. You will build her a family. And you will find a way to make sure that you are connected to your beautiful daughter forever. And when you are finished here - (your other children, then mothers and fathers themselves - who love you, and whose hearts are torn to think you will leave them - will surround you), you will pass through that same door, and there will be your shining daughter, waiting so long to embrace her beloved mom.

All will be well.

Of course you are confused by all the different voices. How many people who have walked this earth know anything certainly about what comes after this life? But I have lived in my sweet faith for fifty years, and have seen much, felt much - as I say, the peace that you feel in Natalie comes of a beautiful and strong and reasonable faith - if you want me to explain myself, I am glad to. If not, then I still leave my comfort with you.

Your heart hurts. But your daughter lives. And so must you.

I'm going to give you my blog address in case you want to find me. I feel a little crass doing that here, but I don't know how else to do it. (www.krandle.com/kstreetjournal) From there, you can reach me if I can be of service. Any time.

Sam and Julie said...

Kendra,
I've been sitting here for nearly an hour, trying to think of something to say - anything - that might comfort you and just for a moment, make you feel a little less sad, a little less confused, a little less empty. The only words that come to me are sorry and that doesnt do a thing.

I hate that it was Makenzie, too. I hate that you have to struggle with the idea of heaven, with your lost dreams, with confusion and most of all feeling all this without her. I hate it all with you.

I went back to work when my son was 4 months old and even though I knew he was safe and loved while I was gone, I ached for him until the second I could hold him at the end of the day. I know that the ache I felt is nothing compared to yours. I bet you feel kinda the same way about heaven. You know in your head that Kenzie safe and loved but your heart overrides that because you just want it to be the one doing it, not someone, somewhere else.

You’re amazing for making it one minute to the next. Amazing for battling through all these feeling and thoughts. Amazing for making such a perfect little girl. I have more admiration for you than I can say.

Hugs and kisses from California
Julie

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