Wednesday, January 6, 2010

miss her

I hate when people ask how Makenzie is doing.
Its not their fault- they don't know.
Its like I lose my breath every time I get asked that- I almost lie and say she is doing great, couldn't be better. Then I realize they will ask again the next time they see me so I should just end it now. Tell them she died.
I wish I could say how good she is doing- I wish I could say she is starting to roll over and learning to sit up. I wish I could tell story after story about the latest thing she is doing.
I still don't know what reaction would be better- the people that just break down and start crying right then and there or the people that get really uncomfortable, act like I didnt just say that, quickly end our conversation and start avoiding me.
I don't even know how to react so I don't expect anyone else to know how.
I wish I could say- this is what you should do... but I have no idea...
I don't know what to say to myself.
I'm tired of crying but at the same time I'm tired of trying to be positive and thinking Makenzie is in a better place. I am done with both. I just wish none of this was happening.
Got all our pictures back of Makenzie that NILMDTS did for us. The photographer came the day before she passed and then came back after she passed. They wanted to get pictures of her without tubes.
They are so beautiful.
I miss her hands-

14 comments :

Devon said...

I don't know what to say, so I am going to say nothing. I wish I did know. I am sending you love, though.

Marcia said...

oh that IS a beautiful picture. it really, really sucks what you are going through.

H@ll! said...

Such a precious picture! I'm so happy you had the chance to take some terrific photos.

In situations like these I too never know what to say, but something is always better than nothing. You've taught me so much through this blog. I feel like I knew her. I will continue to pray for you. Do your best to stay positive!

Katie Danner said...

This is soo beautiful. I thought of you when I remembered this quote today, "We are not human beings having occassional spiritual experiences, we are spiritual beings having a human experience." (I think that was by Einstein..)

Alerie said...

That picture is beautiful. I love how you have matching bracelets. That is really special. I never know what to say either, but I feel that it is better to say something and at least let them know you are thinking of them. I am so sorry you have to go through this and I just want to let you know that you are always in my prayers. I have never prayed more for anyone and I don't even know you, but I feel as if I do. You really are an amazing woman and your little family has inspired me and touched my life in many ways. I will forever be thankful!!

starnes family said...

Oh, Kendra. That picture. Such love.

Emma said...

That picture took my breath away, so beautiful.
You dont' have to be positive all the time, or even most of the time, you are going through something no one should have to and with that comes all sorts of emotions. You are doing incredible to be still going, to be putting one foot in front of the other and marching on, I know your sweet girl is so proud of you! People don't know what to say, because there isn't anythign that can help or ease the pain, but hopefully they learn to look you in the eye, validate your feelings and loss, and remember to speak Kenzie's name and to help you keep her spirit and memory going strong. She is teaching so many so much, still, and I know with your help she will continue to. Hugs, Em

BRIAN~KANDICE~ALI~ALYSSA said...

such a beautiful picture. frame that one and keep one in your purse so when you are feeling down or upset you can look at it and think how hapy you were. I know i'ts hard. I wouldnt know what to say either. I hope hyou find peace soon. Look at those pictures and hold on to them. Shes not going anywhere.

Melanie said...

We don't know each other, but I am so touched by YOU. My name is Melanie and I live in SC. I don't even remember how I stumbled across your blog a week ago. Be sure to check a daily scoop blog for Stephanie's 01/06 entry. I noticed that her blog is 1st on your list of blogs that you peep in on. (I don't know her either.) Her words may comfort you. Also read the comments that go along with that post. Kendra, you are an incredibly strong and special person. You may not think so, but God would have never sent you one of His most precious spirits if you weren't. Makenzie was so special that she wasn't meant for this harsh world. She just needed to gain a body so that she could continue on with her eternal progression. Heavenly Father wouldn't let one of His most special spirits just go to any woman. You are a chosen, special woman to have given birth to one of God's most special spirits that didn't need to prove themselves on this earth. She just needed that body to continue on to the next step. She stayed a short while to give you all her love. Y'all chose each other in the spirit world long ago. She will always be with you and is waiting for you to raise her in the eternities. She may even be your guide back to the gospel. You and your sweet husband can be sealed in the temple forever and be sealed to your darling Makenzie. I am sorry that so many failed you during your young life in raising you. I am sorry that you were not able to grasp the gospel principles. The Lord will heal you and pour out many tender mercies to you if you let Him. Kendra, I pray I have not said anything to offend you. I would never want to do such a thing. I have read nearly your whole blog since I came across it. I think you are a beautiful woman inside and out. If I lived in UT, I would want to be your friend. No one should have to go through what y'all are going through and feel such intense sorrow and pain. Your little Makenzie IS amazing and beautiful and perfect.

Melanie said...

I am sorry about what I said about others failing you while you were being raised. That didn't come out right. Melanie

malory said...

Kendra, You will always be "sealed" to Makenzie, no matter what! She is your angel, you are hers. Always and forever

Anyway, that is a beautiful picture and I love the matching bracelets. Its good to see your pretty face at work :). Sorry its been hard for you! As always let me know if there is anything I can do for ya.

Laurel Garrett said...

What a precious photo. They must mean so much to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Ryan. You are stronger than you know. Love ya - Laurel

Sam and Julie said...

Kendra,
I cant even imagine how terrible it is to have to say when people ask that Kenzie is no longer here. I cant even imagine.....

Whatever you do, whatever you say, however you feel is perfect. Shes your daughter and its your feelings. Do what you need to do and say to get through it. I know that no matter what, your strength and love for your daughter shines through to these people. Nothing else really matters.

I know you're tired - exhausted - of crying and thinking that Kenz is in a good place. Cry. Be exhausted. Jesus and Kenzie will carry you through it.

Hugs and kisses from California
xoxox

PS - you're right, even her hands are beautiful.

Gaspegirl said...

I am so glad that you had this done I hope that you are able to cherish and find hope in these pictures for the rest of your lives!

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