Tuesday, January 12, 2010


why is it that just minutes after I'm feeling peace i fall right back into the scared, feeling alone, missing makenzie mode? I thought I should start looking at some others blogs and start writing thank yous and seeing all these new friends. Not a good idea! Oh you are all so beautiful and sweet (those that I got to) but man oh man- some of you out there have some children that seriously remind me of makenzie. ESP the way you dress them!
** Really that's a HUGE complement because Kenzie was always tip top fashion forward. That girl knew how to work an outfit **
I loved seeing other families and reading about your life. It was so sweet to see how busy you all are and how much you all have going on in your life but you still find time to check on us and leave us sweet comments.
As I was looking through some of your posts and checking out all the girlie attire I had to catch myself a few times thinking, I have to find that outfit because it would look soo cute on Kenzie. I kept having little flashbacks when some of you who are pregnant were talking about your pregnancy and the milestones your in now. This one darling women out there was writing about decorating the nursery and the latest clothes she bought for her soon to be little girl. (they were def. something Kenzie would wear so GREAT job) but- ahhh- did that hurt. How can a cute puffy purple vest with silver shoes make me want to curl in a ball and cry?
I miss that girl.
I hate going through the day with tears in my eyes just doing everything I can to not let them fall. I hate knowing I'm not going home to her and Ryan. I hate having to take down pictures at work and turn the frames around so I don't catch a glance at her face. I hate that my hands and feet get numb because I forget to breath sometimes. I hate remembering I still need to breath.

I say hate A LOT... Guess its because I have a lot of anger I really need to learn to release.

I wonder what Makenzie is doing?
She is almost 6 months old. I think she is learning to sit up. I bet she has gained a some serious weight in the last month. I bet she is starting to eat baby fruit and veggies. I bet she loves the bananas. I think she is holding her head up really strong now and can roll over. I think her Grandpa Haacke runs around with her on his shoulders laughing. Her Grandpa Joe is giving her millions of kisses and giving her a bath in a bird feeder. I'm sure her Grandma Anne is giving her lots of cookies (even though she shouldn't have them yet). I know her Aunt Donette is blowing on her belly, making crazy faces at her and tickling her face until she falls asleep. Her Grandma Dorothy is having her sit on her lap and rocking her back and forth while she tells her stories. Her Grandpa Kent I'm sure has already told her when hunting season is and got her all ready to ride in a backpack while he shows her the best places to hunt and tells her stories about all the trees, clouds, rocks, dirt and anything else he sees. Grandpa Arvel I KNOW is telling her how beautiful she is and I bet they spend most of their day just staring at each other. Kenzie has so many amazing people up there loving her to pieces.
I hope God is telling her everyday how much her Mom and Dad love her and that we miss her terribly.


starnes family said...

Kendra, you are too sweet for words. I love thinking about your daughter with her loved ones enjoying each other.

I am in a completely different situation.....but have a 30 year old sister whom I love as much as my children suffering from 2 vicious autoimmune diseases. I cry all the time, too.

Praying for you.

Emma said...

I know you must feel like you should be getting past this "take your breath away" kind of pain...but that takes time, lots of it! You lost your daughter, your most precious, most loved person in the world and feeling angry, bitter and upset is totally and completely normal and needed!! It is part of moving forward, but don't try to rush yourself. None of us want to feel that way, none of us want to deal with the grief all the time but I think the only way to truly move forward from it is to let yourself feel what you need in the beginning, and you are still in the beginning. You are doing amazing, you are so strong, so loving and so compassionate...and Kenzie knows that, she is watching down adn she ABSOLUTELY knows how much you and Ryan love and miss her. I know it is hard for her to watch you be so sad, but she understands that although she might be in the arms of many other loved ones, you want her to be in yours.
You are an incredible mother, wife and woman...thanks for sharing 'you', with us.

ellisboys said...

Kendra, I am good friends of Cassidy and have been emotionally involved with you and your family. I have cried with you and awed at Kenzies pictures. I believe that Kenzie is with all your loved ones and they are holding her like you want her to hold you. No words will make it better, but I have learned a lot from Kenzie, you and Ryan about life, love and family. You will be blessed, you are a courageous person and though you may not want to go on, she will carry you.

Jenni said...

I'm pretty sure you don't need to rely on God to tell your Kenzie how much you love her. I am positive that she knows of your love, that she hears your sincere prayers, and that she is with you more than you probably realize.:)

Gaspegirl said...

Kendra, you continue to amaze me with your strength and courage! God bless

Alerie said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you today and always!! Much love!!

Rhonda Mozingo said...

I come here everyday to hear about Kenzie. I hold her close in my heart. My life is a wreck right now, going thru alot of personal issues myself (of course nothing like you and Ryan have had to deal with), but I come here to be close to your daughter for she gives me a strength that I need everyday to move forward. She is my guardian angel and I really hope you don't mind. I know she is in heaven watching over you and Ryan, I know she so wants to tell you that everything is ok, she is ok and she is happy. She has a purpose and although it isn't right here on this old earth, she knows her purpose is important and she takes that responsibility very serious. I know she wants you to know that her life here on earth had a meaning, that everything you gave to her, taught her, showed her and helped her experience was all so she could be the best at what she was destined for. I want to thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us, for allowing her to be in a place where she is not suffering and she can blossom and grow in the most beautiful home any of us hopes for. I can see her now, so beautiful, so strong and so very happy. Thank you.

Shari Uban said...

I can't even put into words how you make me feel just reading what you write, your so amazing, the three of you together just melts my heart. I feel the same way as you do knowing that there are people up there who are taking very good care of Kenzie and I know that you yourself want to do that for her. Just know that she is free from any setbacks her little life here had. She is at peace and maybe not in your arms but in your heart. Your blog inspires me everyday to be a better person, and make life more memorable. YOur so amazing Kendra and I hope you know that there are so many people out there that care for you all and want the best for you and your future. Kenzie when she does hand you her sister and brother will always be with them and you will see her in everything you do and the people you are around. Your such sweet people and I do wish you happiness and the best in the future, hang in there and always remember the good things that Kenzie taught you. Its okay to cry and be sad, but remember to let others help and take care of you both as well!

Anonymous said...

Kendra and Ryan
You hang in there. It will get better, I know you don't believe that right now but it will. Don't be too mad at the Lord, He does love you both and Makenzie too. She is happy and doing well, you need to know that. It is odd how life moves on and we wonder why it won't stand still sometimes so we can savor the good stuff longer, but it doesn't and the memories are what help us through the days. Life is hard sometimes and knowing you have many that care about you is good. Don't be afraid to ask for help and find a way to find the peace you need. Many are around you that can help and want to help just ask. We all love you both. I don't think a day goes by that I don't pray for you and for the Lord to give you peace, I know it will come with time, yesterday I sent a balloon to Makenzie, asking her to give you peace and to smile down upon you. The pink balloon floated away up so high in the wind, I love watching it go up and then all of a sudden like being plucked from the sky it is gone. I know she is watching over both of you and is thankful to you for your great sacrifice for her, to come here and then when it was time for her to go back, she knows how hard it is for both of you and she knows too that you will survive and move on, she wants you to be happy. We all love you so very much and want the best for you always. You have good parents and family who care about you, worry about you, and will always be there for you. Peace will come in time, remember the silence in your heart and mind and Makenzie will always be there to encourage you and to let you know she is there.

Anonymous said...

Remember all your wonderful people in heaven with your beautiful little girl. I think the thoughts of her happy with loved ones will help you through some of these tough moments.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband.

Stacy said...

I can't believe how strong you and Ryan are Kendra. I don't know how you are able to try to visit those of us you don't even know. I LOVE reading about Kenzie - you just ooze love for her, and have such an ability to share her sweet spirit. I just don't know how you do it... The cool thing that I have learned about Heaven - Kenzie will be wearing all of the latest fashions, and looking so angelic, but even more - she will KNOW how much she is loved. Sending you {{hugs}} even if we have never met. ~ Stacy

Anonymous said...

I haven't been able to sleep tonight thinking about you and Ryan and of course Makenzie. She caught a bunch of balloons tonight and had a bunch of laughs. Ken take a deep breath, remember Mackenzie can now. She loves you so much. I'm constantly thinking and praying for you. I love you, Mom

Andrea said...

You are doing great! You are always on my mind wondering if there is anything that I could say or do to help you. It can't be something that is easy to over come, but you are an example of strength.

You are in my prayers and thoughts. Sending you hugs!


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