Sunday, January 24, 2010

Dear Kenzie,

I'm missing you so much today. I miss you everyday but some days I literally stop breathing without you. I decided I wanted to go into your room- I wanted to go in there and not have to see a storage unit. Before I came home from the hospital your Dad and Aunts put all your things in your room. Your pictures stayed out but I couldn't see all your toys, bottles, Binky's or any of the other millions of things we had all over our house that belonged to you. Everything was stuffed in there. Tonight I started putting things away quickly. I didn't want to slow down and stop or even look at what I was holding because I knew I would lose it. I was almost finished when I got to the bottom of a laundry basket- full of the last load of laundry I did before you went into the hospital. There was a few of the last outfits you wore but a bunch of outfits you never got a chance to wear. Remember I took you shopping the weekend before you went into the hospital. I bought you some really cute PJ's and a few new shirts. Because I seriously couldn't stop buying you clothes I would at least try to get some that were not so expensive since you wouldn't wear them probably more than once :)
Well that weekend we went shopping- I found this new store. I fell in love with this long dress/shirt thing and these adorable leggings (what else) It was pink with gold stripes and your leggings were brown with lace. Oh my they were sooo cute. I normally wouldn't spend that much on clothes but you would have looked so cute in this that I couldn't pass it up.
I totally forgot about this outfit until tonight. I froze up and had the flashback about buying it. I just remember carring you around in your carseat- you were so sleepy that day. You really only wanted me to hold you so I didn't spend much time in the store. I debated on buying the cute shirt but when I looked at you and imagined you in it, I couldn't put it down. I remembered looking at your face. A couple was buying the same shirt for their baby who was still on its way. They commented on how cute you were. The line to checkout was so long- you weren't happy with that.
I am having flashbacks so often. I wish I was having more flashbacks of you laughing or smiling but unfortunately its remembering when you were really hurting or upset and realizing why you were acting like that. Knowing now you probably couldn't breath or you were in pain. I have been feeling so horrible lately. Realizing why you would cry for hours on end and why you would just not be happy unless you were in a certain position. I wish I would have been more patient and I wish I would have showed you more love and comfort at those times. I would always do what I could to help but not with the best attitude. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to be in pain. I'm so sorry you had to go through that with a grouchy Mom.

I keep finding things you never got to use or play with.
I know you went to early.
You were suppose to grow old Makenzie. You were suppose to learn to sit up, crawl, run, ice skate, play soccer, slide down a slide, jump rope. You were suppose to go to prom with a really cute guy that your dad and I disapproved of. You were suppose to tell me you hated me when I took your cell phone away for ditching school. You were suppose to find a man who loves you more than you ever could have imagined and your Dad was suppose to walk you down the isle. I was suppose to hold your hand when you were giving birth to your first child and tell you how incredibly proud I am of you. I was suppose to hold you for many more years. I was suppose to kiss you a million more times. You were suppose to grow old with me- we were suppose to become cranky old Lady's together, drinking coffee on the porch, whining about life.

Makenzie- you are always on my mind. I see a car wash, a mc donalds or a car dealership and I still think of you. You are in everything and everyone around me. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh.
I wish so much you could have met your uncle Ben. I have a feeling you wouldn't have stopped laughing when he was around. He really missed you. I showed him all your videos, pictures and told him lots of stories about you. I brought him to your grave- we cried a lot together.

sweetheart- I love you. I'm dreaming about you all the time.
Thank you again for blessing me with almost 5 months of your beautiful life.

Love Mommy.


Emma said...

I don't want to discount your feelings at all as we all doubt ourselves as parents sometimes, but please know that we all get frustrated when our baby's cry, are fussy are a normal mom, in an unusual situation. You did nothing wrong and your sweet girl knew you were there for her, every breath she took, holding her and loving her.
Sending you hugs on this tough day. Love Em

Alerie said...

Kendra I completely agree with Emma. We ALL get grouchy and frustrated when our children are fussy and we can't seem to fix the problem or they just need things a certain way. She knows that you loved her more than anything!! You were an AMAZING mother to her and I have no doubt about that. I hope you feel her in your dreams tonight. My thoughts and prayers are with you always!! Much love!!

debbie said...

Makenzie is so beautiful! I love the picture of her in the sidebar. Thank you for sharing a little bit of her through your blog. I'll probably never meet you, but I will be thinking about you and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

you will have the chance to do all those things with her if you choose to live righteously. families are forever!

The Call's said...

Thank you for being so open and honest. For sharing your feelings. ( I agree with the others.. every mom gets frustrated when they can't stop a baby from crying.) You guys are always in my prayers. I hope you can find some peace this week and have some good days.

Barry and Jeanni said...

You sharing these thoughts help the rest of realize that our little ones could be gone in a moments notice. So, thanks for sharing as it helps me to remember to be a little more patient. Also, natalie norton put up a special post just for you, i hope you read it.

Cindy said...

I found your blog when you made a comment on my friend Jessica's blog where you came out of the "blog stalking closet" and I thought I would check out your blog.

I have come across your blog twice today in random ways but I think it's because reading your blog is really empowering/inspiring. I am so sorry for your loss. Your little girl is so adorable and precious. She will always have a special place in your heart.

I appreciate your honesty and i look forward to reading more as your heart is healed.

FROGGITY! said...

i know you are missing her today! i hope you are doing alright as can be expected. still praying for you and for a cure for this rare disease.


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