The way she changed our life is beyond description.

-That Day-

I know I wrote about Makenzie's passing before but I wanted to write again.

I keep getting that image in my head.

The image of her taking her last breath.

I was in the recliner chair in her hospital room, her grandparents just walked in and I wanted them to get a chance to hold her before they took the tube out in another few hours. I really didn't want to let anyone else hold her but I felt they should.

Then the tube came out unexpectedly, what seemed like hundreds of doctors, nurses, RT's and everyone else flooded our room. They asked me if I was ready for her to go- if they could finish taking the tube out and let her pass. She had no drugs so she was awake, trying to breath. I didn't know what to say.

I wanted her to have a peaceful passing- more than anything I didn't want her to suffer.

I said okay, she is ready-

I asked if they would hurry and get her some medicine-

A poke here, a fast IV there.

The recliner was up- my legs were up and I was so uncomfortable. I tried to push it down but couldn't. I wanted to push away from everyone of those people and just hold my baby- Alone.

I didn't want her to struggle so they gave her oxygen until the medicine kicked in.

I held her.

I tried to hold her hand but her fingers had no strength.

I was talking to her-

Ryan and i both kept telling her that she was okay- that we were there and we love her.

they threw her crib out into the hall.

they pushed everything else in that room into the hall to give us space.

only minutes later they all left the room. it was just

grandma Diane

grandma Becky

grandpa Randy

daddy

mommy

Makenzie

and a whole lot of angels.

what was that like for our parents,

to stand by watching your child loose their child.

i hurt for them.

Makenzie tried to breath a little but she went very fast.

She was ready to go.

You can see in every picture, every video and in my head of all the memories that she was exhausted. She spent the last 2 months of her life doing everything she could just to breath. Just to stay strong so Ryan and I could have a few more moments with her.

How can she be so strong?

I can feel her tiny little body go limp in my arms.

I can smell that horrible tape they finally removed from her perfect little face.

I held her against me.

I cried on her.

Ryan held both of us.

We sobbed.

That moment was the last moment we would have with her.

The way she changed our life is beyond description.

I stroked her face.

I kissed her over and over.

I touched every part of her body.

I put my finger in her mouth- she loved sucking on my finger those last few months.

I felt her tongue

I felt her lips

I felt her warm body turn cool

Her lips turned pale.

I wanted to yell and tell her to open her eyes.

I secretly wished all day for a miracle and that she would breath after those tubes were gone.

I walked around the room with her.

I danced with her.

We bathed her - her last bath.

Her grandparents held her.

Her Daddy held her.

I didn't want to leave. How was I suppose to hand over my daughter to her nurse?

They gave Kenzie a cute blanket to keep her wrapped in.

I was so worried no one would take care of her body.

I was scared they wouldn't treat her with care and love.

I was scared for her body to turn cold- I didn't want her to be cold.

I wanted to watch her all night.

I finally had to go.

I had to hand my baby over to her nurse.

I have no idea how I did it.

I have no idea how I left that hospital.

I have no idea how I drove away without Makenzie.

We sent her balloons to Heaven that night.

I felt numb.

It wasn't real.

I didn't realize what just happened until later.

The next morning was the first reality check,

I laid in that hotel bed, praying the night before was a horrible nightmare.

I begged God to bring her back.

I begged him to not let this be my life.

It took me a long time to open my eyes.

The first day without her.

45 days later

and I still lay in bed before I open my eyes and beg God to give her back

I wonder how this is really my life, I question how I will take that shower, get ready and move through the day- another day without her.

oh how i miss her.