Dear Kenzie,

I'm missing you so much today. I miss you everyday but some days I literally stop breathing without you. I decided I wanted to go into your room- I wanted to go in there and not have to see a storage unit. Before I came home from the hospital your Dad and Aunts put all your things in your room. Your pictures stayed out but I couldn't see all your toys, bottles, Binky's or any of the other millions of things we had all over our house that belonged to you. Everything was stuffed in there. Tonight I started putting things away quickly. I didn't want to slow down and stop or even look at what I was holding because I knew I would lose it. I was almost finished when I got to the bottom of a laundry basket- full of the last load of laundry I did before you went into the hospital. There was a few of the last outfits you wore but a bunch of outfits you never got a chance to wear. Remember I took you shopping the weekend before you went into the hospital. I bought you some really cute PJ's and a few new shirts. Because I seriously couldn't stop buying you clothes I would at least try to get some that were not so expensive since you wouldn't wear them probably more than once :)
Well that weekend we went shopping- I found this new store. I fell in love with this long dress/shirt thing and these adorable leggings (what else) It was pink with gold stripes and your leggings were brown with lace. Oh my they were sooo cute. I normally wouldn't spend that much on clothes but you would have looked so cute in this that I couldn't pass it up.
I totally forgot about this outfit until tonight. I froze up and had the flashback about buying it. I just remember carring you around in your carseat- you were so sleepy that day. You really only wanted me to hold you so I didn't spend much time in the store. I debated on buying the cute shirt but when I looked at you and imagined you in it, I couldn't put it down. I remembered looking at your face. A couple was buying the same shirt for their baby who was still on its way. They commented on how cute you were. The line to checkout was so long- you weren't happy with that.
I am having flashbacks so often. I wish I was having more flashbacks of you laughing or smiling but unfortunately its remembering when you were really hurting or upset and realizing why you were acting like that. Knowing now you probably couldn't breath or you were in pain. I have been feeling so horrible lately. Realizing why you would cry for hours on end and why you would just not be happy unless you were in a certain position. I wish I would have been more patient and I wish I would have showed you more love and comfort at those times. I would always do what I could to help but not with the best attitude. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to be in pain. I'm so sorry you had to go through that with a grouchy Mom.

I keep finding things you never got to use or play with.
I know you went to early.
You were suppose to grow old Makenzie. You were suppose to learn to sit up, crawl, run, ice skate, play soccer, slide down a slide, jump rope. You were suppose to go to prom with a really cute guy that your dad and I disapproved of. You were suppose to tell me you hated me when I took your cell phone away for ditching school. You were suppose to find a man who loves you more than you ever could have imagined and your Dad was suppose to walk you down the isle. I was suppose to hold your hand when you were giving birth to your first child and tell you how incredibly proud I am of you. I was suppose to hold you for many more years. I was suppose to kiss you a million more times. You were suppose to grow old with me- we were suppose to become cranky old Lady's together, drinking coffee on the porch, whining about life.

Makenzie- you are always on my mind. I see a car wash, a mc donalds or a car dealership and I still think of you. You are in everything and everyone around me. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh.
I wish so much you could have met your uncle Ben. I have a feeling you wouldn't have stopped laughing when he was around. He really missed you. I showed him all your videos, pictures and told him lots of stories about you. I brought him to your grave- we cried a lot together.

sweetheart- I love you. I'm dreaming about you all the time.
Thank you again for blessing me with almost 5 months of your beautiful life.

Love Mommy.