Sunday, January 31, 2010

what we are doing

just caught up on our blog-
little bit of an overload but oh well. enjoy.
our life has been crazy the past month.
busy.
busssy.
bussssyyyy.
I'm in school- taking 3 classes
-math
-public speaking
-art
i hate school.
we are taking life one moment at a time. most days, we wish we could crawl in a hole.
makenzie is always on our mind.
she consumes our daily tasks which makes the simplest things impossible.
she is our world.
we know life is still moving and everyday is another day. we are trying to live.


harley is still around- we sure love her. she has been such a sweet dog the past few months. i think she has hit some serious low points in her life and has moments of depression missing makenzie to. she will lay in front of her bedroom and just stare at the door.
the past month we have had some really weird things happening around our house.
we will come home and on a regular basis find one of kenzies toys out.
we have put all her things away in her room with the door shut.
at first we got really angry at harley because she gets these toys and sucks on them. she doesnt chew it up just sucks on it until its soaking wet (ewww)
we go upstairs and the door is open.
we have no idea how she is getting in there and why she is doing this but instead of getting angry now we just imagine that its a little bit of kenzie and harley playing around causing a little trouble while we are gone.


_ i had to put his pic in because i thought it was hilarious. we have the pedi paw for harley which she used to hate. If you dont remember, everytime we would use it- she would pee on us. Well this dog now loves her beauty treatments. just look at this picture. how pathetic is this. she just melts into ryan. haha...


i have discovered a new love for pedicures. i go with my sister A. we have a great time talking, telling stories and laughing. her little girl mini A went with us this last time and got her nails done to! I tell you, the best way to pamper yourself- a good massage and a pedicure!



for ryan and i...
life is not what we thought it would be. everyday brings a new challenge. we never imagined our life where is it is today. we miss makenzie terribly. the days don't feel like they are getting any easier yet i think they are. we are always talking about different ways to honor makenzie and have started a few things already. we will post about them soon.
ryan is my rock.
he is why i am still here today. because of him i am still breathing.
he gives me a reason to go on.
he gives me hope.
he gives me happiness when i don't think i will ever feel happiness again.
i see makenzie in him.
i see the pain he carrys.
I'm amazed at his strength. I'm amazed at his drive. I'm amazed at his will.
i love this man. i love this man more than i ever thought i could love him.
although we are walking through fire right now, we are doing it together.
we promised makenzie we would stay together, we promised we would be a family again. if all else fails we owe her a family again, she gave us more than we could have ever dreamed.

dear byan-
thank you for listening, thank you for your hugs. thank you for holding me when i needed and being my punching bag when i needed. you are strong. you amaze me everyday. i look at you and cant believe what an incredible man you have become. i think about the day we got married and the man you were then to the man you are now. i cant believe it.
i hope you know how much i love you. how much i adore you.
makenzie was the best of both of us- thank you for giving her to me.
thank you for being an amazing father.
thank you for loving her as much as you did.
i will never understand the amazing bond you had with her just as you will never understand the amazing connection i had with her.
i wish you didn't have to be in this pain.
i wish we both could lived that fairytale we used to live.
i promise i will try to give you happiness.
i promise i will try to give you more dreams.
i love you.
i need you.
thank you for being everything you are.
love- me...

wedding bells

Robin + Annie


we are so very excited these 2 finally took the plunge :)
the wedding was amazing
decor, activities, food = perfect
cake cutting =

HILARIOUS

The flower girl =

** adorable **
an awesome evening!


Congratulations to you both!

nothing better than a birthday

Happy 4th Birthday Ms. Emma!




seriously one of the cutest girls in the world!!!
we love her so much.
E planned a great day full of ice skating and one BIG party at home with her family.
she was so cute the whole time, loving every minute of HER day.
she has been planning for months- or even since this time last year for this moment.


her mom AL did an amazing job with everything.
look at those cupcakes!
the party was perfect.
decorations were amazing-
anddd...
E even remembered Makenzie in HER day and sent her some balloons after the fun was all over!
lovve, lovee, loove this family.

B_E_N

my brother Ben was able to stop by for a visit on his way to the Pentagon for a meeting.
We had a great time:
relaxing
hanging out with family
going for coffee
running around town
bar
bike shop
shopping
***(yes he shopped with me, hes a great sport, what do you expect he lives with 5 girls?!)
eating
watched movies
more coffee breaks
snowboarding
i miss my brother so much esp. since he lives half way around the world in Korea. He is such an amazing brother and is always there to listen to my crazyness. He will be moving to Washington state in August!!! Whoo Hooo...
It will be nice to have him and his family on this side of the world for a few years.
I cant wait to see his girls-
M=11 yrs
Y=9 yrs
B=5 yrs
D=2 yrs



Thursday, January 28, 2010

The way she changed our life is beyond description.

-That Day-
I know I wrote about Makenzie's passing before but I wanted to write again.
I keep getting that image in my head.
The image of her taking her last breath.
I was in the recliner chair in her hospital room, her grandparents just walked in and I wanted them to get a chance to hold her before they took the tube out in another few hours. I really didn't want to let anyone else hold her but I felt they should.
Then the tube came out unexpectedly, what seemed like hundreds of doctors, nurses, RT's and everyone else flooded our room. They asked me if I was ready for her to go- if they could finish taking the tube out and let her pass. She had no drugs so she was awake, trying to breath. I didn't know what to say.
I wanted her to have a peaceful passing- more than anything I didn't want her to suffer.
I said okay, she is ready-
I asked if they would hurry and get her some medicine-
A poke here, a fast IV there.
The recliner was up- my legs were up and I was so uncomfortable. I tried to push it down but couldn't. I wanted to push away from everyone of those people and just hold my baby- Alone.
I didn't want her to struggle so they gave her oxygen until the medicine kicked in.
I held her.
I tried to hold her hand but her fingers had no strength.
I was talking to her-
Ryan and i both kept telling her that she was okay- that we were there and we love her.
they threw her crib out into the hall.
they pushed everything else in that room into the hall to give us space.
only minutes later they all left the room. it was just
grandma Diane
grandma Becky
grandpa Randy
daddy
mommy
Makenzie
and a whole lot of angels.
what was that like for our parents,
to stand by watching your child loose their child.
i hurt for them.
Makenzie tried to breath a little but she went very fast.
She was ready to go.
You can see in every picture, every video and in my head of all the memories that she was exhausted. She spent the last 2 months of her life doing everything she could just to breath. Just to stay strong so Ryan and I could have a few more moments with her.
How can she be so strong?
I can feel her tiny little body go limp in my arms.
I can smell that horrible tape they finally removed from her perfect little face.
I held her against me.
I cried on her.
Ryan held both of us.
We sobbed.
That moment was the last moment we would have with her.
The way she changed our life is beyond description.
I stroked her face.
I kissed her over and over.
I touched every part of her body.
I put my finger in her mouth- she loved sucking on my finger those last few months.
I felt her tongue
I felt her lips
I felt her warm body turn cool
Her lips turned pale.
I wanted to yell and tell her to open her eyes.
I secretly wished all day for a miracle and that she would breath after those tubes were gone.
I walked around the room with her.
I danced with her.
We bathed her - her last bath.
Her grandparents held her.
Her Daddy held her.
I didn't want to leave. How was I suppose to hand over my daughter to her nurse?
They gave Kenzie a cute blanket to keep her wrapped in.
I was so worried no one would take care of her body.
I was scared they wouldn't treat her with care and love.
I was scared for her body to turn cold- I didn't want her to be cold.
I wanted to watch her all night.
I finally had to go.
I had to hand my baby over to her nurse.
I have no idea how I did it.
I have no idea how I left that hospital.
I have no idea how I drove away without Makenzie.
We sent her balloons to Heaven that night.
I felt numb.
It wasn't real.
I didn't realize what just happened until later.
The next morning was the first reality check,
I laid in that hotel bed, praying the night before was a horrible nightmare.
I begged God to bring her back.
I begged him to not let this be my life.
It took me a long time to open my eyes.
The first day without her.
45 days later
and I still lay in bed before I open my eyes and beg God to give her back
I wonder how this is really my life, I question how I will take that shower, get ready and move through the day- another day without her.
oh how i miss her.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

oh the places you'll go

i was refereed to another blog-
a blog by this wonderful women who also lost her daughter.
her words seem identical to mine. she writes so well.
I'm taking one of her post ideas because it really hit me when i read it.

when i was till pregnant with makenzie, i became obsessed with buying her books. i went to B&N at least once a week. i was determined she would have every book i can remember reading growing up. i found the best books and honestly- we read every single one. probably a few times in her life. we loved to read together. she loved the pictures. one of the books i bought was by Dr. Seuss... oh the places you'll go...
when i was in Jr. high i experienced my first real- grow up fast- experience.
my little brother and i were taken out of our home and went to live with my sister and her husband. they are some amazing people. just a few years older than ryan and i are now when they took in 2 pre-teens who were coming out of a yucky situation. they were and continue to be incredible. while we lived there i read this book many times, it seemed to fit my life at the time. they had it on the shelf in the family room and i loved it-
when i spoke at my jr. high graduation i refereed to this book.
through high school i would recite different passages from this book to myself.
and when i saw this book in B&N i knew i had to get it for Kenzie.
she would learn from this book like i did and use some of its words to get through things like i have. who would have thought-
its me again looking back to this book for guidance.

** read full text here **
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.
You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch.

And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.
You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.
And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.

Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose?
How much can you win?
And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters?

Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
On you will go though the weather be foul.

On you will go though your enemies prowl.
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.
And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

im stuck on a prickle-ly perch.
im in a slump.
im in a place that the streets are dark.
on i am going... i am still moving. i am still breathing.
will i be that 98 and 3/4 percent that will succeed?
or will i be the other 1 and 1/4 that does not?
some times i feel ill make it, someday, but then ill trip up and have to start over.

over the past few weeks i have had people come to me and tell me about different things that have have happened in their life- its almost like they will find anything that they can and try to relate to me. they feel they have to try and relate to the pain i am in, the fear i have, the heavy heavy load I'm caring everyday. when they tell me they had a miscarriage, their child to was in the ICU but got better or a relative died they always follow with-
i know that its nothing compared to what your going through.
my response: stop it - life sucks!
for you, for me, for everyone.
we all have something now, in the past or in the future where we are left on a lurch and we have to find a way to keep moving. just because your child was able to get out of the ICU and got better doesn't mean you don't know that pain- you sat next to your baby who is sick- you may have had to look death in the eye- and even though it wasn't your daughter who died and your daughter that you had to bury, doesn't mean you don't have your own heartache. every time i read a comment someone writes, an email someone sends or talk to friends, family- anyone, i say a little prayer that you are watched over in life. that maybe your load will be lightened a little. i believe everyone could use a lighter load. maybe because of my story you can not get so overwhelmed with your children quite as much or maybe you wont take life for granted- i am learning from me, from this situation, from my makenzie. i wish i knew why some people have to experience this kind of pain and others don't. i wish i knew why our trials can vary from so small to so large. i wish i knew how God choose which people would live those lives. i pray someday we will all know.

for now- please don't feel you shouldnt complain about your struggles because they may seem smaller compared to others- they are big to you and that's a big deal, please don't feel you cant come to me, please don't feel you shouldn't tell me how you were so frustrated with your little ones today because they just wouldn't listen, i was once a mom to and i kinda understand :), please don't feel you cant talk to me about my daughter. i need to talk about her. i want you to ask about her. if i don't feel ready or like i can- ill tell you, but let me decide.
i hope and pray we all succeed as we make our way through this thing called life-

Monday, January 25, 2010

once upon a time...

Did you know I lived a fairytale?
...Its true...
It was complete with a King, Queen and an unbelievable little Princess!
You wouldn't believe me if I told you everything we got in that life.
You're probably imagining gold, unicorns and an endless supplies of twinkies but seriously its so much better than that...
we had secret play dates in the middle of the night, we had hours of imaginary fun when we lost ourselves in storybooks, we had millions of kisses and hugs and i love you's, we would play dress up all morning and splash in the tube all night, we went on great adventures, we had bottles and bottles of "gold", we had this beautiful animal that would prance around and give us kisses- she is a magical creature, we had so much power- power to do whatever we wanted. We lived, laughed and loved all day - ever day. Its so unbelievable because it happened out of no where. We were 2 regular people. Living a regular "normal" life when all the sudden a fairytale started. Every dream we ever dreamed came true, every wish we ever wished came true and everything we ever imagined and more came in this tiny little 6 pound package on July 18, 2009.
Out of no where, we got to live this life!
...Oh...what...a...life...
I pinky swear promise that this was my life.
Can you believe it?
I still cant!
I have to pinch myself to believe it was true.
**thanks to my incredible sister A for making this picture that left me breathless- i love you**

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Dear Kenzie,

I'm missing you so much today. I miss you everyday but some days I literally stop breathing without you. I decided I wanted to go into your room- I wanted to go in there and not have to see a storage unit. Before I came home from the hospital your Dad and Aunts put all your things in your room. Your pictures stayed out but I couldn't see all your toys, bottles, Binky's or any of the other millions of things we had all over our house that belonged to you. Everything was stuffed in there. Tonight I started putting things away quickly. I didn't want to slow down and stop or even look at what I was holding because I knew I would lose it. I was almost finished when I got to the bottom of a laundry basket- full of the last load of laundry I did before you went into the hospital. There was a few of the last outfits you wore but a bunch of outfits you never got a chance to wear. Remember I took you shopping the weekend before you went into the hospital. I bought you some really cute PJ's and a few new shirts. Because I seriously couldn't stop buying you clothes I would at least try to get some that were not so expensive since you wouldn't wear them probably more than once :)
Well that weekend we went shopping- I found this new store. I fell in love with this long dress/shirt thing and these adorable leggings (what else) It was pink with gold stripes and your leggings were brown with lace. Oh my they were sooo cute. I normally wouldn't spend that much on clothes but you would have looked so cute in this that I couldn't pass it up.
I totally forgot about this outfit until tonight. I froze up and had the flashback about buying it. I just remember carring you around in your carseat- you were so sleepy that day. You really only wanted me to hold you so I didn't spend much time in the store. I debated on buying the cute shirt but when I looked at you and imagined you in it, I couldn't put it down. I remembered looking at your face. A couple was buying the same shirt for their baby who was still on its way. They commented on how cute you were. The line to checkout was so long- you weren't happy with that.
I am having flashbacks so often. I wish I was having more flashbacks of you laughing or smiling but unfortunately its remembering when you were really hurting or upset and realizing why you were acting like that. Knowing now you probably couldn't breath or you were in pain. I have been feeling so horrible lately. Realizing why you would cry for hours on end and why you would just not be happy unless you were in a certain position. I wish I would have been more patient and I wish I would have showed you more love and comfort at those times. I would always do what I could to help but not with the best attitude. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to be in pain. I'm so sorry you had to go through that with a grouchy Mom.

I keep finding things you never got to use or play with.
I know you went to early.
You were suppose to grow old Makenzie. You were suppose to learn to sit up, crawl, run, ice skate, play soccer, slide down a slide, jump rope. You were suppose to go to prom with a really cute guy that your dad and I disapproved of. You were suppose to tell me you hated me when I took your cell phone away for ditching school. You were suppose to find a man who loves you more than you ever could have imagined and your Dad was suppose to walk you down the isle. I was suppose to hold your hand when you were giving birth to your first child and tell you how incredibly proud I am of you. I was suppose to hold you for many more years. I was suppose to kiss you a million more times. You were suppose to grow old with me- we were suppose to become cranky old Lady's together, drinking coffee on the porch, whining about life.

Makenzie- you are always on my mind. I see a car wash, a mc donalds or a car dealership and I still think of you. You are in everything and everyone around me. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh.
I wish so much you could have met your uncle Ben. I have a feeling you wouldn't have stopped laughing when he was around. He really missed you. I showed him all your videos, pictures and told him lots of stories about you. I brought him to your grave- we cried a lot together.

sweetheart- I love you. I'm dreaming about you all the time.
Thank you again for blessing me with almost 5 months of your beautiful life.

Love Mommy.

Friday, January 22, 2010

VOTE


Dear Friends-
Today is the last day you can vote to help the Gwendolyn Strong Foundation get the money from the JP Morgan Chase to help in the fight to cure SMA.
I am begging everyone of you out there- whether you know me, just stumbled across this blog or whatever to please take just a second and vote. Please vote!
If you have already voted- Please vote one last time.
This will help other children like Makenzie get a second chance.
This could help another Mother and Father out there hold onto their baby a little longer.
This could help another child out there hold onto their Mom and Dad a little longer.
I wish I could feel my little girl.
I wish she could squeeze my checks.
I wish I could kiss her face.
No child should have to deal with that pain.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

pieces of her

i cant tell you how many times i counted these toes.

i cant count how many times i held these fingers.
i cant count how many times i held my pointer finger up to her pointer finger
and moved them back and forth.

i cant count how many times i whispered secrets in this ear.


i cant count how many times i kissed these knees.
i cant count how many times i studied how they move.
these are pieces of her
i
will
always
carry
her
with
me

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

fear

when will i be ready for you to fly?
of course i want you to be happy and free,
i want you to spread your wings.
im scared to tell you to fly.
im worried you wont come back.

my real fear-
heaven isnt real.
there isnt anything after this.
how can i think that?
because im so desperate to see you again; im that much more terrified that it might not happen.

when i talk to ryan about it, he tells me...
"if you dont believe in anything else in your life, believe in heaven"
i desperately want to know.
i have a hard time with trust.
to trust that kenzie is happy
to trust that kenzie is free
to trust that kenzie is with god
would you trust someone else with your child?
would you ever have a doubt where they are?

maybe this is just another hurdle.
i keep running but cant seem to jump high enough.
ill keep running though, ill keep jumping and someday ill learn to clear that hurdle and feel something. i hope to have peace.
im sad. im so sad that it consumes me.
im desperate to feel my daughter. i cant feel her.
i dont know how to feel.
so many people with different beliefs tell me how heaven is, what they believe and think.
i get confused.
what i once though- im now in doubt.
i dont want to be wrong. i dont want to make the wrong choice and not see my baby again.
i keep getting told ill see her if i do this or if i do that. or ill see her no matter what.
who is right? who is wrong?
im praying. im begging. i still dont know.
i hate that it was makenzie.
i hate that any parent out there has had to lose a child.
this is a pain i will live with for the rest of my life. i will never have my daughter while im here on earth. i will grow old without makenzie. im sad my dreams are gone.
im sad i still cant tell kenzie to fly. i want her to fly- i want to believe she can fly.
its like im debating with myself.
---what i want to believe and the unknown.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

happy half birthday!

Dear Makenzie Rye,
I cant believe your half a year old. Time has gone so fast. I feel like it was yesterday I was still feeling you run around in my belly saying- GIRLFRIEND- I'm ready for you anytime! I think back now wanting to kick myself. I should have soaked up every second of that time. You were safe, warm and with me every second of the day. I miss feeling that ripple go across my belly. I miss that sick feeling I would feel when you would kick my crotch to hard :)
I miss feeling your fingers or toes tickle my belly (seriously that was the weirdest but coolest feeling)
I think about what we would be doing if you were still here.
You would be so big.



I would kiss those lips all day.
We would make a pudding cake (that way we could sneak you a taste)
We would get balloons, dance to music, watch your favorite shows and sing happy half birthday over and over.
Your uncle Ben came all the way from Korea today just so he can celebrate your big Half Birthday :) I wish you 2 could have met. You would have simply gone nuts over him. He is awesome!





Makenzie I catch myself looking at your pictures, amazed that your my daughter. Your so incredibly beautiful. I'm am biased but seriously there is not ONE thing goofy looking about you. I was so worried I would have a funny looking kid- They would come out with a big nose, big lips or hairy... Although you did have your dads hairy back -haha- it was still the cutest hairy back I have ever seen. I miss holding you baby. I miss waking up running into your room because that night took way to long to get over with and I'm dieing to see you. I miss our baths. I miss our mani/pedi's. I miss dancing around the house making you smile. I wish you could have played in the snow with us.
We are pretty fun people sometimes-
I think you would have had a great time laughing at our silliness.
There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think of you.
Makenzie- thank you from the bottom of my heart for choosing me to be your Mom. I hope I gave you the best life in your short time here. I hope you know I will do anything I have to do so that I can see you again. I miss you. I ache for you.
Don't you ever, ever doubt how much your Mom and Daddy adore you. How happy we are to know you are ours. Thank you for giving us your life. Thank you for teaching us so much, thank you for loving us, thank you for your smiles, thank you for being our angel.
Oh how I wish you were here.
Please stay close to us. We need you all the time.
We are sending you lots of hugs and kisses today.
Love you to infinity.
Love Mom and Daddy.


-- I relate so much of what I am feeling to songs. I have so many songs that explain how I feel better than I could ever put into words. This song by Mark Wills replays in my head over and over. I have thought it of it so many times since Kenzie passed away and I woke up this morning singing it in my head. The whole song is great but its the chorus that makes me think of Kenzie-
"Wish you were here, wish you could see this place
Wish you were near, I wish I could touch your face
The weather's nice, it's paradise
It's summertime all year and there's some folks we know
They say, "Hello, I miss you so, wish you were here"

* Our very special friend Heather took these pictures while she was watching Kenzie. Heather is such an amazing person. She loved our little girl so much and gave her so much. I love these pictures.

I miss my family.
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