trying

do it or don't do it- there is no trying.
i used to believe that. i used to think trying was a cop out. that if you only try you're not doing good enough.
slowly im learning. everything i once thought and believed has or will completely change.
i was so foolish then. funny how i thought i knew everything, could do anything and had no fear of what could really be the worst thing to happen in my life.
now. i know nothing. its like im a child learning to live again. what i thought i knew, then i realize i have no clue. this trying statement is one of them.
trying is real. it doesn't mean you're failing. it doesn't mean you're giving up. it doesn't mean you're lazy. sometimes it means your putting as much as you possibly can into something and even that isn't strong enough to make it all the way over the "complete" line.
right now im trying. everyday. every second. im not the same person i once was. i never will be. part of me died. a huge part. how can someone ever fully heal after that? its impossible.
everyday im trying. im trying to keep breathing. im trying not to cry. im trying to keep a smile on my face. im trying to keep positive thoughts in my mind. im trying not to break.
i have been having sever panic attacks lately. to the point im scared of myself. of what im doing to myself. the only person who is able to help is ryan. usually holding me down. i start screaming and cant stop. i start hyperventilating. i don't want to move. i don't want to get up. i pull my hair. i hit my face. anything to distract myself from the emotional pain and give me some sort of real-tangible- physical pain. because that kind of pain- i can deal with.
maybe i shouldn't write this for the world to see. but i am. because. it helps. it helps me to write it out. to talk about it. i don't need a 1x1 conversation with someone who might turn around and try to admit me to the psych ward because im in danger of myself. that's not whats going on. im not going crazy.
im just hurting. real pain. and its a pain that at times i cant handle.
aching for her smell. im digging my face into her pile of dirty laundry. her dirty diaper pail that i have yet to empty. her detergent bottle. her lotion. anything i can do to get a hint of her. to get that memory.
she made me. she changed my life in a way i never thought possible. how is it possible to do anything more than try. try to smile when you see a new baby. try to laugh with small children. knowing every second your time is over with the only person you want to do those things with?
im trying. to live. to find new purpose. im so blessed and overwhelmed by the love so many are showing. not only family and close friends but all my new friends. my friends whom i have never met but still consider you part of my life. part of this path. thank you.
i read other blogs of sweet angel mums. i dream about them. about their children. i wonder how some do it? i wonder if some of what im feeling and doing is common. that's another reason i write. to find a connection with someone. to feel someone else knows this.
maybe at times im too honest. maybe i offend some. but. if i wrote a blog about finding God and peace. it wouldn't be real. then what would the point be. oh how i wish i could write that im doing good. that I have found God and that im healing. but right now. almost 8 months into it. im not. so not even close to being there. still angry. its fresh. its raw. and still so painful. im sure it will be like this to an extent for the rest of my life. because. she is gone for the rest of my life.
but ill keep trying because it would be a waste to not honor her name. she was meant to inspire. to change. she already has in so many ways. but there is more to do. there are more who need help. im so proud of her. im so proud to be her mom. and ill keep trying. because i love her. adore her.
i just wish for a moment i could feel her. i wish for one night, i could dream of her. she isn't in my dreams. not since the last one- the one i posted about months ago. i just want to pretend. for a moment.
that this isn't real. and she is.