Saturday, August 28, 2010

rambling

out of the blue i started feeling sick. this overwhelming sick to my stomach feeling. i didn't know what just happened. i wasn't thinking of anything in particular. then i realized this life is real. im so confused. how can i take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. how is this still so shocking. im frustrated. im angry.  i started thinking i don't know if ill ever be a mom again. then i think what if i was a mom again- then i get mad because i know its not going to be a mom to makenzie. this is exhausting. i cant look at others anymore. i hate that ugly jealously feeling that starts to take over me. i get frustrated with myself when i think that.
im so scared i wont ever be a mother again. its not so simple anymore. we no longer have the option to just get pregnant. we cant just have another child- not without those risks.  i always thought i would have a big family. for years i said 5 kids. ryan only wanted 2. we compromised and said 3.
3 was our number. 3 is the amount of additions that would complete our family. we got married. found jobs. bought a house. got a dog. started school. then began our family. our very much wanted family. now here we are. -1. not sure how or where we will go to get #2. or if that is possible. you think there are so many options but the thing is- really there is not. not many options. not without money. not without resources. not without age. not without income status. you never think you will be that person. that person who cant have children. that person who lost a child. that person who has their marriage tested beyond its limits. i worry sometimes. i worry ryan will see that he can leave. fall in love with someone else and have a child that is fine. healthy. and not full of some dumb disease. i think the same for myself. we cant bring healthy child into this world without some serious help so is that a sign we shouldnt be together? then i think about others. those who cant have children period. not that they cant have a healthy child but those that just cant have children. does that mean they shouldn't be together. heavens no. i don't believe that for a second. but why do i think that for myself?
i then think- now if we stay together- that means its totally by choice. its by a massive amount of love we have for each other.
its in a womens blood to have children. to get fat. to live in a bit of misery for 9 months. then to shove a melon out of a tiny little hole. most of us grow up with that expectation. we grow up feeling that's our role in life. that's our purpose. then when you cant do that. you cant do that one thing that makes you so different from the opposite sex. wow. its an unbelievably feeling. a horrible feeling. i know many many women know this feeling. so now i sit here. knowing its far to soon to have another child come onto our family. knowing i don't know when we will be ready. and totally unsure how that will ever happen when we are ready. its a scary thought. 
i dreamed last night we just got pregnant. we took the risk and got pregnant. what happened? our next child had smard. yeah- we fell into those odds again. those crazy rare odds once again. but this time. i knew they had this disease from the beginning. i knew this child would struggle in life. i knew this child wouldn't live long. and i knew i would bury this child. i woke up and felt totally numb. i wanted to scream. i cried. the thought of losing another child. because i know- i have no control over the love i feel for that child. once they are mine. i lose my heart and soul to them. im scared. i don't know how i have lived these last few months and i don't know how ill even live to next week. then to do it again. i don't think i possibly could. so should i risk it? its a risk anyway i look at it. maybe they don't have smard but they have something else. or maybe they grow to hate me in life and run away and never speak to me again. those fears we all fear. those fears that are the greatest fears of life. are still so scary to me. even thought i am in the middle of it. even thought i know this pain- this low. im scared to death to see it again. so now what? maybe ryan and i will never have children. maybe we will move to the country and start a dog refuge. we will have hundreds of dogs. maybe a horse or something. and leave it at that. not take a risk. just live loving each other and our farm of dogs.

but is that what life should be about? should we stop taking risks for the fears?
probably not. i should probably take a risk. because that love- the love you feel with that child. is incredible. its like nothing else. how could i ever not experience that feeling again?
how could i never love another child again?
i wouldn't- for one second- even think about giving up the life i had with makenzie. she made me a different person. she change my world in an unbelievable way. if i stop now and never take a risk. ill never experience that unbelievable feeling. now that's scary.

5 comments :

Kristen said...

Thinking about having another child is petrifying to say the least when you live with the 1 in 4 odds. You question every aspect about life and death, pain and suffering, quantity vs quality, love and love. I can't imagine burying another child, nor do I even want to. Keep breathing. Keep writing. Keep doing whatever it is that keeps you going and be patient with yourself. Love yourself. FORGIVE yourself. AS you begin to heal the path will become somewhat clearer and proceeding will be a little bit easier.

(((HUGS)))

Alerie said...

Kendra I just wanted to tell you that I am always praying for your family and thinking about you and Ryan. I will pray that you find the answers you want to know. Much love!!

TMI Tara said...

Oh my sweet friend. All these haunting questions and no real answer. No "right" answer. I feel for you and pray for you. I have no advice, only the knowledge that because you are YOU -- one AMAZING woman and mother -- and you have RYAN -- that guy you fell in LOVE with -- that you have AMAZING LOVE in your future. It is not the life you imagined, but it will be beautiful.

Squint. Look into the future. It is bright and filled with joy. I know it.

A quote that I know helps me and might help you: "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." joseph campbell.

I also want to direct you to a blog of a new friend of mine. She had a similar situation and has even faced some of your fears.... a 4th child waiting to be born with the terrible disease that took her 1st child. She is amazing, Kendra. So full of light and life. Her 2nd girl -- healthy. Her 3rd girl -- adopted and LOVED just as much as the others. Her 4th baby -- yet to have lived, but already loved. Loved more than the fear of losing her. Knowing they'll lose her. Her 1st baby watching from heaven and cheering them on. You may take comfort in her blog or not want to read it. I only know that she inspires me just by being and going on each day and always having faith that life, as tragic and sad and scary as it can be, is worth living.

I'm afraid too. I'll bury Chloe someday. I'll have her for many many days and I'm sooooooo grateful for every second. But I'll bury her. Sometimes I lose myself in that thought. I'm afraid to have a 2nd child. Terrified. Many ask when we'll have another. I don't know. Others have little Chloe's, then many other kids. It's not so easy for me. She is my everything. There isn't room for more when you have someone who fills you up so completely -- emotionally and literally. She takes two arms, two hands, and one complete heart. She fills up every second with her absolute dependency. But she wants a sibling. Oby wants another child. So do I, but I'm scared. Scared there won't be time. Scared I'll be too tired to be up all night with Chloe AND a baby. Scared I won't have room to love another like I love my precious girl -- so perfect. But I'm planning on taking that leap of faith next year.

I remember being told I couldn't have children about a week before I got married. I tried telling Oby to leave me, but he wouldn't. To be told that, then have my beautiful girl placed in my arms was JOY beyond measure. And now I'm so scared. I want to take that fear away and be grateful I CAN have kids despite what I've been told.

I know my situation is SO different than yours and I'm rambling. But I guess you just got me thinking and my thoughts all blurted out in this comment. I'm sorry. I just want you to know that you're not alone. And that I know that YOU are an amazing person who is an amazing mom and an amazing wife. Life is NOT what you would have chosen nor what you expected, but it's good and it will be good because YOU are good and you deserve all that joy and beauty that you dreamed of. When you were a little girl twirling around with a sheet on your head, dreaming of your wedding day and what life would be like.... all that you imagined.... it will be BETTER. I promise.

SO sorry for rambling. But that's what the title of the post is, so I guess it's okay lol!

TMI Tara said...

Oh my sweet friend. All these haunting questions and no real answer. No "right" answer. I feel for you and pray for you. I have no advice, only the knowledge that because you are YOU -- one AMAZING woman and mother -- and you have RYAN -- that guy you fell in LOVE with -- that you have AMAZING LOVE in your future. It is not the life you imagined, but it will be beautiful.

Squint. Look into the future. It is bright and filled with joy. I know it.

A quote that I know helps me and might help you: "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." joseph campbell.

I also want to direct you to a blog of a new friend of mine. She had a similar situation and has even faced some of your fears.... a 4th child waiting to be born with the terrible disease that took her 1st child. She is amazing, Kendra. So full of light and life. Her 2nd girl -- healthy. Her 3rd girl -- adopted and LOVED just as much as the others. Her 4th baby -- yet to have lived, but already loved. Loved more than the fear of losing her. Knowing they'll lose her. Her 1st baby watching from heaven and cheering them on. You may take comfort in her blog or not want to read it. I only know that she inspires me just by being and going on each day and always having faith that life, as tragic and sad and scary as it can be, is worth living.

I'm afraid too. I'll bury Chloe someday. I'll have her for many many days and I'm sooooooo grateful for every second. But I'll bury her. Sometimes I lose myself in that thought. I'm afraid to have a 2nd child. Terrified. Many ask when we'll have another. I don't know. Others have little Chloe's, then many other kids. It's not so easy for me. She is my everything. There isn't room for more when you have someone who fills you up so completely -- emotionally and literally. She takes two arms, two hands, and one complete heart. She fills up every second with her absolute dependency. But she wants a sibling. Oby wants another child. So do I, but I'm scared. Scared there won't be time. Scared I'll be too tired to be up all night with Chloe AND a baby. Scared I won't have room to love another like I love my precious girl -- so perfect. But I'm planning on taking that leap of faith next year.

I remember being told I couldn't have children about a week before I got married. I tried telling Oby to leave me, but he wouldn't. To be told that, then have my beautiful girl placed in my arms was JOY beyond measure. And now I'm so scared. I want to take that fear away and be grateful I CAN have kids despite what I've been told.

I know my situation is SO different than yours and I'm rambling. But I guess you just got me thinking and my thoughts all blurted out in this comment. I'm sorry. I just want you to know that you're not alone. And that I know that YOU are an amazing person who is an amazing mom and an amazing wife. Life is NOT what you would have chosen nor what you expected, but it's good and it will be good because YOU are good and you deserve all that joy and beauty that you dreamed of. When you were a little girl twirling around with a sheet on your head, dreaming of your wedding day and what life would be like.... all that you imagined.... it will be BETTER. I promise.

SO sorry for rambling. But that's what the title of the post is, so I guess it's okay lol!

Andrea said...

I have not walked in your shoes but I do know some of the same feelings that you are facing. My oldest has a terminal 'generic' disorder that is unknown. We had a 1 in 4 chance of having another child like him. It was scary but I know that I we needed to have another baby. After having a healthy baby girl all but a heart mummer. I knew that things were going to be fine all I need to do was trust the Lord. We than again had another healthy baby boy all but Craniosynostosis. Still I was nervous about having more children but it was wonderful to have my youngest even though he has almost the same thing that my oldest has. Yes it is hard to watch these children that have to go through so much to live day to day. But I would never give them up for anything. I wonder sometimes if it was the best thing to have more children after my oldest and giving us that 1 in 4 chance. You know, I am glad that I have them all even if they only have a short time to live. My prayers are with you always.

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