Monday, August 9, 2010

trying

do it or don't do it- there is no trying.
i used to believe that. i used to think trying was a cop out. that if you only try you're not doing good enough.
slowly im learning. everything i once thought and believed has or will completely change.
i was so foolish then. funny how i thought i knew everything, could do anything and had no fear of what could really be the worst thing to happen in my life.
now. i know nothing. its like im a child learning to live again. what i thought i knew, then i realize i have no clue. this trying statement is one of them.
trying is real. it doesn't mean you're failing. it doesn't mean you're giving up. it doesn't mean you're lazy. sometimes it means your putting as much as you possibly can into something and even that isn't strong enough to make it all the way over the "complete" line.
right now im trying. everyday. every second. im not the same person i once was. i never will be. part of me died. a huge part. how can someone ever fully heal after that? its impossible.
everyday im trying. im trying to keep breathing. im trying not to cry. im trying to keep a smile on my face. im trying to keep positive thoughts in my mind. im trying not to break.
i have been having sever panic attacks lately. to the point im scared of myself. of what im doing to myself. the only person who is able to help is ryan. usually holding me down. i start screaming and cant stop. i start hyperventilating. i don't want to move. i don't want to get up. i pull my hair. i hit my face. anything to distract myself from the emotional pain and give me some sort of real-tangible- physical pain. because that kind of pain- i can deal with.
maybe i shouldn't write this for the world to see. but i am. because. it helps. it helps me to write it out. to talk about it. i don't need a 1x1 conversation with someone who might turn around and try to admit me to the psych ward because im in danger of myself. that's not whats going on. im not going crazy.
im just hurting. real pain. and its a pain that at times i cant handle.
aching for her smell. im digging my face into her pile of dirty laundry. her dirty diaper pail that i have yet to empty. her detergent bottle. her lotion. anything i can do to get a hint of her. to get that memory.
she made me. she changed my life in a way i never thought possible. how is it possible to do anything more than try. try to smile when you see a new baby. try to laugh with small children. knowing every second your time is over with the only person you want to do those things with?
im trying. to live. to find new purpose. im so blessed and overwhelmed by the love so many are showing. not only family and close friends but all my new friends. my friends whom i have never met but still consider you part of my life. part of this path. thank you.
i read other blogs of sweet angel mums. i dream about them. about their children. i wonder how some do it? i wonder if some of what im feeling and doing is common. that's another reason i write. to find a connection with someone. to feel someone else knows this.
maybe at times im too honest. maybe i offend some. but. if i wrote a blog about finding God and peace. it wouldn't be real. then what would the point be. oh how i wish i could write that im doing good. that I have found God and that im healing. but right now. almost 8 months into it. im not. so not even close to being there. still angry. its fresh. its raw. and still so painful. im sure it will be like this to an extent for the rest of my life. because. she is gone for the rest of my life.
but ill keep trying because it would be a waste to not honor her name. she was meant to inspire. to change. she already has in so many ways. but there is more to do. there are more who need help. im so proud of her. im so proud to be her mom. and ill keep trying. because i love her. adore her.
i just wish for a moment i could feel her. i wish for one night, i could dream of her. she isn't in my dreams. not since the last one- the one i posted about months ago. i just want to pretend. for a moment.
that this isn't real. and she is.

12 comments :

Jackie Koll said...

Thank you for being real; for being honest and sharing your heart, your struggles, your pain. Too many people hide behind a false sense of happiness - I know you are helping many people by sharing your struggles. Reading your story makes me hug my children an extra time; not get frustrated with them even when I'm tired; not take them for granted. Thank you.

Emma said...

I am so proud of you, for the way you honor Makenzie, for your love as a wife and mother, and for your honesty! You have to be real in order to heal. You won't ever be done healing, this isn't a loss you ever 'get over', of course not, but being real will help you along your path to getting through the 'raw pain'. Thank you for being honest, for letting people know their thoughts and feelings are okay. It is so important and I hope you also find that in others. I am glad you don't write what people sometimes want to hear, that isn't true, it isn't how you are feeling and you are so right, what is the point?!
Kenzie has taught you so much and she continues to have you question life, your beliefs and your previous thoughts about things...she will continue to have you look at things in a whole new light forever, and it will continue helping people along the way.
Keep writing, keep fighting and keep trying. Love and Hugs, Em

Cox Family said...

You are not crazy Kendra, you are grieving and no one should judge you for that! Hoping you feel better soon and saying a prayer for you tonight!

Alyse

Alerie said...

Kendra you write and do whatever you need to do in order to help you heal. No one should judge you for that. Everyone heals differently, even people in the same situation and that is ok. I think your honesty is what helps people not take things for granted. So basically your honestly inspires others to be better people. I love that you are so honest and I thank you for being so honest. I am so sorry it has been so hard lately. I hope that you start to feel some peace soon and just know that your family is always in my prayers. Much love!!

Marcia said...

I agree, trying is a very real and honest thing. (((hugs)))

Chels said...

Kendra,

I know so much about the dreams its been well over a year and I think about them everynight before I go to bed and all day of course but only maybe get a handfull of dreams which is usually interrupted and I want so much to go back to sleep to hold them and talk to them one more time. Keep trying Kendra because really thats all we can do and we do it for ourselves and for our family, because Kenz was here to teach you love unconditional and you are doing such a great job at honoring that for her. You inspire me and many others to be the best mom we can be.
I think about you every day and hope you continue to find the strength to keep trying.
Love always, Chels

brigette said...

Oh Kendra how glad I am that you are honest! It makes me feel so much more normal knowing that I am not the only one who reacts in these ways. I to like you used to believe there was no try. Id tell my friend "try to put a book on the floor, you either do it or you dont." Guess what I to learned that hard reality when it slapped me in the face. All we can do now is try. If we didnt try wed just give up and let our selves go!! TRYING is so REAL. Its not what we expected but its what we ended up with. Always thinking of you and sending much love your way today!

starnes family said...

Prayers from Kansas. Keep on keepin' on. I can't imagine how hard this is.

The Berg Family said...

I have been reading your blog a lot lately. You write so beautifully and I wonder if you ever considered writing a book. A book about your beautiful daughter and her wonderful life. You mentioned that writing helps so keep doing it if it helps! You and your family are in my prayers.
Monica

Andrea said...

Kendra what can I say... There are no words that come to mind. I am grateful that you are being real and sharing your life with me. I cannot yet relate to what you have gone through. It must be so hard. :( My heart aches for you. You are always in my prayers.

TMI Tara said...

This reminds me of the Trace Adkins song. I've always believed in trying. Trying leads to doing. It will come, Kendra. You are doing amazing.

Jae Marie said...

Ah. I was in tears by the 2nd or 3rd paragraph because I KNOW all of these feelings and I relate so much to the words you are writing. I haven't even finished the post. I remember the panic attacks and wanting the physical pain so that something was tangible. Because the emptying pain of loss is so hard to grasp and understand. thank you for sharing Kendra.

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