Monday, August 23, 2010

the D word.

After being woken up by a strong odor that milo left for me at 4 am. I laid back in bed. With everything around me being absolutely silent, my mind started wondering and I couldn't help but think of something I said earlier the day before.  I was talking with my sister when the D word slipped out.  I actually said it.  Never have said that word associated with my daughter before.  I usually say passed away, went to heaven... The D word just sounded so permanent and so scary. I was terrified to ever say that word to myself. To ever say it aloud. Well it being 4 am and not able to go back to sleep I decided maybe I needed to say it again. To say it to myself and see what I felt.  I did. I hated that word more than ever. I hate what it means.  Its so real. Its not sugar coated. Its not said with ease. You hear that word and it means sadness. Heartache. It hurts to have that word associated with the person I love the most. I have lost others in my life. I had no problem saying they died. It hurt, I was sad but it was a fact and that was it.  My sister died. I had uncles die. Grandparents died. Friends died. But this time. It was a word I just felt I couldn't say.
Ryan was gone this weekend. Hunting. So I was alone. I wanted to clear my head and try to find some kind of prompting. I wanted to feel something. I wanted a sign to know its okay. To know she is okay and to know Ill be with her again.  Every time something popped in my head I would throw it away (literally, In my mind I would imagine throwing a thought in the garbage) I did that for probably an hour. (I have so much going on up there, its rather frightening) After that hour- I was exhausted. I decided I should just get up and start my day. There was no point. I said the words but as much as I laid there praying and "throwing" my thoughts away I didn't feel anything I wanted to feel.  Through the day I kept thinking about that morning. I thought how strange it was that I was so calm. I cried. I yelled a little but I didn't throw myself out the window when I finally said that word like I thought I might. Progress?? I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe that was my answer. Maybe I was just given enough strength to say that word and know that word and believe that word and that was it.  I couldn't have the clouds part and the sun beam through as well I guess.

I spend lots of time going in her room. Looking at her clothes, her toys, her crib.  I held the last outfit she wore- I smelled it.  Still smells like her. I found the last pair of pajamas she wore. Seriously I don't know what I was thinking. That girl always looked so adorable but for some reason I dressed her in these ugly 90's velvet pajamas. Oh poor girl. I'm sure she was humiliated!  We all have to have one bad day right- guess that was hers.  I looked through her pictures. I held her little hand models.  I dreamed of her. Wished that word wasn't real. I wished I could have felt her.

I meet this sweet little girl on Friday who is 1 week younger than Kenzie. She lives down the street from me. I saw her mom pregnant- I thought it was funny we were having babies together and yet never talk to each other. I talked to them for the first time. She is adorable. She is big. I cant believe Kenzie would be that big. Walking!

So the rest of the day was spent saying that word. Because. For me. I think I need to believe that word now. In order for me to stop pretending. To stop playing house. To stop thinking she will be back soon. I so don't want to believe. I so don't want it real. But--- it is.

Makenzie Rye Webster died December 13 2009.


Andrea said...

Wow! That must have been so hard for you. You are such an amazing person. She would and still is so proud of you.

Anonymous said...

I am SO sorry she's dead.

Emma said...

I can't imagine how hard it is saying that out loud...although you know in your head that it is true, the belief must be extraordinarily tough. I am so proud of you for taking these steps to moving forward, to making Kenzie even more proud than she already is and living a life filled with joy-she would absolutely want that for you and Ryan! thinking of you, hugs, Em

Shawna said...

I think you are making tremendous progress. "Throwing things away" like you did truly works for me. So does giving them to God. The Bible says "Cast all your cares on me." That song comes to mind often when I am going over and over things in my mind, and when I can truly do that, truly bring myself to say "Jesus, take this" and literally, in my mind lay it at His feet. When I can truly do that, I feel an amazing peace. God truly does work wonders. Keep praying, keep throwing. You are growing each day, whether you see it or not, you are. The fact that you felt calm more so than before shows that. I continue to pray you will gain wonderful peace.

brigette said...

Oh Kendra what a big step that is... I hate that word with a passion I dont use hate often but thats 1 thing I do hate. I hate the word and its meaning. I have come to a point where I can say it with Kael but still find myself more often saying passed away. They just seem to little to Die. Your doing great girl. Sounds like good progress to me!

Alerie said...

I can't imagine. I think you're amazing!!

I believe with my whole heart that if you ask God/Jesus to to take your burdens from you and help you out that they really do lift them off of you and help you to feel at peace. I had a situation where I found myself asking for this a couple weeks ago and I woke up one morning and everything just seemed peaceful and ok. I know that in this situation it obviously isn't going to be ok overnight if ever because you are always going to miss Makenzie, but I hope that you are able to find something that can help take some of your pain away and give you a little bit of peace more and more each day.

My thoughts and prayers are with you always!! Much love!!

GINA. said...

That last line. Wow. Amazingly hard to read. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to say.
Progress...absolutely! That took huge amounts of strength.
You are amazing. Makenzie is VERY proud of you as she watches you from heaven.
*Praying for you EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

debbie said...

Oh, Kendra. I was startled and so saddened by the last line too. Why is life so hard for some? I'm praying for you to have an amazing moment of peace every day. Sometimes I beg God to send you that "clouds part and the sun beam through" experience, and I have to believe He WILL send it to you. I will always be praying for you to feel that peace, to feel Kenzie's arms wrapped around you. Love you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Kendra..have you ever been to Gilgal Garden in downtown Salt Lake? It's a small little garden not very many people know about. I went about a week ago and I felt so much peace and contentment. It's so beautiful and totally worth making a sweet little "date" night out of it. =)

Kelly Jo said...

Hi, my name is Kelly Jo...I have been following your blog for awhile and haven't had the nerve to say anything but have wanted to. I just wanted you to know that I think you are such an amazing woman and mother. Your story is so touching and very inspirational. You have taught me to be a better mother. I wish nothing but the very best for you and your family. I hope that this was ok to leave a comment. Thank you for sharing your story.


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