Tuesday, August 3, 2010

my better half

I have received some emails asking about Ryan.
I know this blog is very much about me. Its my feelings. and I don't talk much about Ryan.
Maybe I should. But. I don't know if its my place.
Ryan is not a write your feelings on a blog for all to see kind of guy.
** Weird I Know :)  **
I think about writing some of the things he says or does but never really know what to say. I never know how to express it in a way to accurately depict his feelings. I know mine. I know what my heart tells me. I know the deep down dirty stuff for me. But For him. I know what I see, what he tells me and what I (as his wife and partner) just know. But there are deep down dirty stuff that I don't know about him. That only he knows.
I can see the pain in his face. Everyday. It kills me. It kills me when I am such a mess that I cant seem to pick myself up enough to help him. He talks about Makenzie all the time. He tells me how much he misses her. We say Goodnight and I love you every night to her aloud. I know every night he wishes he got to kiss her. His pain. Indescribable.
He is surviving. He is doing amazing things. He remembers his daughter. He stays busy.
He feels her. Much more than I do. They had a special bond from the beginning.
When I worry if she is doing okay he always assures me that she is great.
He feels her freedom. He feels her peace. He feels her happiness.
Does he have days where he just hates life, feels anger toward everyone and everything, wants to throw things, wants to scream and run-- of course. He misses her. He misses every piece of her.
but he has a secret weapon.
He is the best at reminding me of it.

This isn't the end.
We cant believe we will never hold our Kenzie again.
There are many times I sit back and lose my breathe thinking about the things we will miss with Makenzie. We missed her first birthday. We missed her crawling. We will miss her walking, talking, running, first dance classes, first soccer games, first day of school, last day of school, summer vacations, boyfriends, best friends, college, learning to drive, marriage, children, growing old.
Knowing we saw the beginning and the end. In such a short time. Is like no other pain.
Ryan is good at pretending with me. We thinking about what she would be doing now. We guess what her first word would have been. We think about who she would have grown up to be.
Ryan is so good at knowing and reminding me that we will get to see all of this. We will get to hold her, love her and raise her in heaven. One day.

Its a good thing he is here. I'm lucky. One day we will be a trio again.


Chels said...


Again you speak such great honets and truth and always bring a tear to my eye. I am so glad you two have eachother for now and for eternity. I have to believe we will be reunited with them again in heaven to raise them to hold and to love for all and forever. Your strength never ceases to amaze me thank you for being you.
Love, Chels

Elizabeth said...

Dear Kendra

I'm with Chels on this one, everytime you post a new blog you speak with so much honesty, and my eyes fill with tears you two are so straong and you will be reunited in Heaven, you'll be happy again as a family. You are such a great inspiration to me.

much love Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

you truely are amazing...your blog has become quite a time for me and my 15 year old daughter everyday when its our quiet time...you are an amazning mom what a lucky baby mckenzie is, to be able to have you and ryan to call mommy and daddy


Alerie said...

I am so glad you have Ryan and I am so glad he has you. You two were made for each other. Perfect for each other!! It is beautiful!! Your love for each other and for your daughter inspires me everyday. AND yes, you will be reunited in heaven again one day and it will be an amazing day!! You three are always in my prayers!! Much love!!

Emma said...

I admire your love, commitment and devotion to one another, to teaching others and sharing about Makenzie and teaching people about SMA!

I think you are right, men often dont want to write their feelings down for all to see, but I am so glad he has you to share them with and I am sure he appreciates you not sharing what he doesn't agree for you to share (even when you probably want to!).

I can't imagine what you are both going through, the feelings of a mother and father are so incredible but I am so glad that you know (even if you might struggle with remembering it sometimes) you will be with Kenzie again one day-I have no doubt and I am glad you are there to remind eachother on days that is tougher to remember!

I know you love and appreciate Ryan more than you could put into words, that shines through your writing all the time, just as your love for Kenzie does. You keep writing what you need, to help you in whatever way you can and I know if you feel better writing that that will make Ryan feel better too. Hugs, Em

Victoria Strong said...

Oh my goodness. This is beautifully expressed!


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