my better half

I have received some emails asking about Ryan.
I know this blog is very much about me. Its my feelings. and I don't talk much about Ryan.
Maybe I should. But. I don't know if its my place.
Ryan is not a write your feelings on a blog for all to see kind of guy.
** Weird I Know :)  **
I think about writing some of the things he says or does but never really know what to say. I never know how to express it in a way to accurately depict his feelings. I know mine. I know what my heart tells me. I know the deep down dirty stuff for me. But For him. I know what I see, what he tells me and what I (as his wife and partner) just know. But there are deep down dirty stuff that I don't know about him. That only he knows.
I can see the pain in his face. Everyday. It kills me. It kills me when I am such a mess that I cant seem to pick myself up enough to help him. He talks about Makenzie all the time. He tells me how much he misses her. We say Goodnight and I love you every night to her aloud. I know every night he wishes he got to kiss her. His pain. Indescribable.
He is surviving. He is doing amazing things. He remembers his daughter. He stays busy.
He feels her. Much more than I do. They had a special bond from the beginning.
When I worry if she is doing okay he always assures me that she is great.
He feels her freedom. He feels her peace. He feels her happiness.
Does he have days where he just hates life, feels anger toward everyone and everything, wants to throw things, wants to scream and run-- of course. He misses her. He misses every piece of her.
but he has a secret weapon.
He is the best at reminding me of it.

This isn't the end.
We cant believe we will never hold our Kenzie again.
There are many times I sit back and lose my breathe thinking about the things we will miss with Makenzie. We missed her first birthday. We missed her crawling. We will miss her walking, talking, running, first dance classes, first soccer games, first day of school, last day of school, summer vacations, boyfriends, best friends, college, learning to drive, marriage, children, growing old.
Knowing we saw the beginning and the end. In such a short time. Is like no other pain.
Ryan is good at pretending with me. We thinking about what she would be doing now. We guess what her first word would have been. We think about who she would have grown up to be.
Ryan is so good at knowing and reminding me that we will get to see all of this. We will get to hold her, love her and raise her in heaven. One day.

Its a good thing he is here. I'm lucky. One day we will be a trio again.