Wednesday, August 18, 2010

the next step.

have you ever tried to sit down and write real goals?  im not talking about new years resolutions. im talking about those kinds of goals where your changing your whole life. everyday. in most every way possible. and your doing it to try and be better.  im doing that now. im trying to sit down and write goals that i actually want and need to accomplish and ones that i will actually work toward day in and day out.
i want to live a better life. i want to get to a place in this process where i feel peace. where i know where my daughter is and i dont have a doubt. i want to feel her. i want to get in touch with a different side of myself. i need to bring a more spiritual side out. i need to look at her pictures and marvel at what i have and find happiness instead of hurt, anger and misery.  that's another thing. i want to move past those emotions that hold me down. those emotions that weigh on me everyday. i want to become a better person and i want to look forward to something in life. i don't want to keep going hoping for the end. i want to enjoy the journey until its the end. wait- i don't want to think there is an end. i want to feel there is so much more. i don't want to keep arguing with myself. i don't want to battle between what my heart keeps hoping for and with what is reality.  im still praying God will give her back. i still think in the back of my mind that if i pray hard enough or do enough good he will give her back to me.  there are still words i cant physically say. there are things my mind wont let me believe. how is this so real yet so unbelievably not real at the same time? i don't understand. i want to have a better understanding. i want to be better. i want to feel she is okay. i don't want to keep thinking about the physicalness of her body. where its at. whats happening to it. that haunts me. i want to dream of her. where i hope she is now. i want to live my days for her with greatness, not sadness. i don't want every day to be a struggle. i don't want every thought of her to bring me to tears. i just want to be okay. that's it. i will never be the same. i will never be who i once was. the world is completely different in my eyes. everyday is different. my goal isn't to be back to where i once was last year or even 2 years ago. its to be okay now. in the present. and maybe- someday, somehow- find a way to have a pinch of the amount of happiness she once gave me.
so im sitting here trying to write my goals. so far the only thing on my paper is-
be okay...
i wish i knew how to accomplish that goal. im searching. im looking for answers. what am i afraid of? im not sure. all i know is that im afraid of so much. im afraid of certain words, or certain things i might have to do or admit. some of those things i will have to believe, i fear will make me fall. but what i dont understand is im living with it everyday. its around me everyday, i have to deal with it everyday- but its still not real. its like im going through the motions of a horrible movie. im saying the next line of the script. the camera is still rolling so im continuing onto the next sene. what my mind is telling me is at some point, the cameras will turn off- everyone will go home- and ill be back to my life again, that old life, and she will be here.
i haven't been able to accept that this isn't a movie and there is no ending in sight.

this probably doesn't make much sense. believe me, im confused. but that's what my mind is doing all day everyday. running in circles. running from itself. running from whats real and running to a dream.
i have been brainstorming ways to change. ways to get to a place i need to be at some point.
its a scary road. but the road im on now is scary. i don't know whats worse.
running from reality or running to something that isn't real.
i have some ideas. im trying. i need to be okay.
my inspiration=
the most important ones =
my husband, my makenzie and myself.

its going to be a journey. its going to take a long time. i have no set timeline. ill keep writing. i hope you keep reading. don't judge me from post to post. they will be filled with mixed feelings in certain moments. i may say things that offend you but please don't take offense. im not meaning anything by it.
im just trying to be okay.
ill read comments, ill read emails and ill listen to advice. please share. sometimes its the things other see from the outside that will help me on the inside.

so how is this different from what i have been doing so far? i cant deny it any longer. i wont let myself pretend anymore. in order for me to really make a difference in honor of makenzie, i need to accept this. i need to admit this. i need to say certain words. how am i suppose to ever find happiness again if i don't do that?
if it was just me, maybe i wouldn't care so much. but i have a husband who desperately needs a partner. someone who needs happiness in his life to. and. i have a daughter who deserves to see the full amount of greatness she is. she deserves to look at her mom and see more than a ball of tears. she deserves to see someone who is making a difference in honor of her.  there is no more pushing things aside. there is no more sulking when my mind gets stuck on one thought. i have to push through this. all of this. even the really scary- ugly and messy parts.
im scared. i don't really want to do this- but i have to.

the first step.
stop telling myself God might give her back.

15 comments :

Jackie Koll said...

My heart breaks for you - the pain you feel is so real and so honest. It's not a road I've had to walk but I can tell you that I will pray for you as you travel this next step in the journey. Everyone walks the road of trials differently so you have to do what is right for you - listening to your heart; loving your husband and beginning, maybe, just maybe, to see the joy in the little things again.

Anonymous said...

I do not know you but I read your blog everyday ( i found it threw a girlfriend of mine who has lost her daughter to SMA as well) I am struggling with my faith lots lately... trying to figure out just where I fit... you really need to read the book EAT, PRAY, LOVE... yes it is now a movie but I really feel you would get something out of this book it is changing the way I think on a daily basis and if this gets me closer to true spirituallity then I'm all for it...

Vanessa
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

Chels said...

Kendra,

Thanks so much for your words today. Today is a difficult one for me as it has been two years since I lost my daughter and I too so much want to have happiness again and with the loss of my husband shortly after I also question my faith so much and I want you to know that I think your bravery and honesty helps me and many others everyday. If you find the answer please share because I too am searching for that sense of peace again.

love, Chels

Jeska said...

I know music helps me get through difficult times. And, I know you love music. You've probably heard this song, but I heard it and thought of you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-5vjP2oyTE

Emma said...

Kendra,
You are on your way. I know it is a long journey, it will be amazingly tough, but you have started. You are right, you aren't going to get Kenzie back in your arms while on this Earth, but I have no doubt you will have her back one day. She is in great hands and she feels your love. I know that doesn't ease the pain you have missing her but I hope you can find a place of peace knowing she IS okay, better than okay.
As for your journey, I wish I knew a way to help ease the hardest days. The fears, they will be there but in some ways you have nothing to fear-you have gone through, and are going through the worst kind of pain, there is nothing worse than losing a child, so in fact anything that comes your way can't compare. I don't know if that makes sense, hopefully it makes some.

As for your life, I know you can get to a place where you feel happiness again. No, you will never stop missing your baby girl, you will never move on but you will move forward. With Ryan, with Kenzie and all she has and is teaching you, and a new you. I know you are going to do amazing things in Kenzie's honor, as you have already started.

These first steps of living in reality and not letting yourself 'leave' is tough, but you can do it. Write what you need to, this is YOUR journey. If you offend, I hope people will know you wouldn't be intentionally and honestly, too bad! You write what you feel, what you are dealing with that day, that minute and let it out...that is the only way to get through the feelings, the anger, the bitterness to the other side. I know you will find a place of peace, in time.
Love and hugs, Em

The Berg Family said...

I don't know you but I read your blog every day. Todays post was very honest but it sounded different than other posts. In a positive way. I hink you need to give yourself more credit and realize how far you have come. You seem to be an amazing person. A very brave person for putting your emotions out for all to see. I know what it feels like to have questions about faith. Someone once told me to tell God how mad you are because he can take it. I have been praying for you and your family. Thanks for your openess and honesty in all you right.

The Berg Family said...

Sorry! That last sentence should have said in all you write! I'm a teacher too!

Anonymous said...

I'm so pleased and grateful to see the change, Kendra. You're a trooper!

brigette said...

Kendra this sounds so positive. You are headed in the right direction! This is your blog write what you need to, feel what you need to. You will never get to that peace point if you dont! Dont get down either I am almost 2 years into this journey and I am not all the way there yet but slowly I am also learning and trying to get to that point. This is what our babies would want for us. Im sure Kenzie is so proud of your list that your starting even though you only have 1 goal so far 1 is better than none. Im here for you we can work through this together hang tight to your support system its so important right now!! You are amazing.

Shawna said...

Kendra,

I just recently found your blog through a link on the BabyLegs Facebook page about your Kenzie Baby Legs project. I have not been able to get your story out of my mind and have cried tears for you since I first read your story. Many times throughout the day I find myself praying for peace for you and asking God to hold you and comfort you as he is holding your little girl too. You are talking -- to Him and to the world and that, I believe, is the best thing you can do. Even though I don't know you, I love you, and I pray that God will draw you to him and that you will continue to talk to Him and lean on Him as you walk the rest of your journey. Makenzie is beautiful and is still blessing you and always will. I pray that you will find the peace you seek and am excited at the reunion that will someday take place between Makenzie and you.

Alerie said...

Kendra I pray for you everyday that you feel some comfort and find that peace that you are looking for. I know one day in your own time it will come. Don't ever worry about offending anyone. This is your trial, your pain and your heartbreak and you do what you need to get through this. Everyone heals so differently and so no one should ever judge you or your feelings. If you feel them, then they are valid. Write what you want, feel what you want and do what you want, this is your blog and by doing all of that it will help you to heal a little bit more each day. I have no doubt in my mind that you will get to where you want to be. You are amazing!! Makenzie is so proud to be your daughter and she is so proud of all the things you have already done to honor her. Even though there is no way for some of us who aren't in your situation to completely understand and know your pain, we still know that it is one of the hardest things to have to go through and for that reason we are all here for you!! Much love!!

Kristen said...

(((((HUGS))))

Deep breaths, one step in front of the other and try to smile and laugh just sometimes. If I could lift you up and carry you, if I could give you something to make it feel better I would. Feel free to email me anytime or call.

Puhlman said...

You don't know me. I found your blog through anothers. I want you to know that I think you have a beautiful family. That Kenzie is perfect in every way. SO CUTE. Makes my heart just melt. I do not know why some things have to happen. I do know that God is in charge and that He is aware of your pain. He is totally aware of you and He knows you and loves you and cares sooooooooo much for you. He is ALWAYS there....especially in this hard trial you are facing. I pray for you and your husband. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how you must feel and what you are going through. I hope you don't mind that I enjoy reading your blog. I think you are amazing.

I love this quote:

God's will is what we would choose if we knew all the facts.

Also I came across this poem and wanted to share it....

WHAT MAKES A MOTHER

I thought of Kenzie and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,

I asked, What makes a mother?
And I know I heard Him say:

A mother has a baby,
This we know is true-
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice,

I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
And cleared His throat,
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you,
What Kenzi is doing here....

If you could see her smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear,
but my mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy, oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"MOMMY, please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"!

So you can see dear sweet one,
Your child is OK.
Your baby is here in My home,
And this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates waiting for you.
So now you see what makes a mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

TnT said...

Kendra, I'm a new reader, but I can understand your pain. My thoughts are only take one day, one minute, one second at a time. I believe that your little MaKenzie is where she needs to be with God right now helping him with whatever her mission is up in Heaven. Her mission on earth, I'm sure, was to give you and Ryan joy and happiness in your lives in the few months that she was with you so you could feel of her amazing spirit and innocence. I love Albert Einstein's saying, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. " MaKenzie was and still is a miracle for you and Ryan. I'm sure she taught you what joy really means in your life. Use that knowledge and harness it in your goals. Use it to apply yourself to give others miracle and joy. Lose yourself in serving others, serving other parents of children with SMARD, serving Ryan, serving to help raise money with finding a cure (like the carnival), or just serving in general, whether it's a neighbor and a friend, and you'll find peace and comfort with helping others find joy in their lives like MaKenzie gave you as her service to you. I'll continue to pray for you and I hope my words help some.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and can't stop reading. you amaze me. I think i'll continue to read to the day you started your blog, it may take me awhile and i may comment on older post but I hope you see how far you've come, each day you grow stronger, even in those dark moments you are strong! I look up to you... you said in an earlier post that you never took yours and your families time together for granted, always just enjoyed. I want to do that more, I want to be like you. I hope you can see how inspiring you are. You are here writing your life journey the raw emotion, the good the bad and sometimes the ugly for everyone to see. I hope you continue to do so. I'm sure some people aren't so nice, that's how the world is, you know that though. but I hope you continue to write for yourself and for kenzie, she is only lucky girl to have such a mom. I hope you realize how much you've done with what you've been given. You could stay in the dark and grieve, but I think you've done something so amazing you've shined light on your grief, its still there but you make it shine and let her life be known. keep doin what you're doing girl, I can only imagine Kenzie lookin down on her mama and tellin everyone up there how proud she is. I hope you can hear her too.

shine on :)

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