8 months

I find this picture irresistible. To me, Its pure bliss. I cant help but smile.

This is the first picture that only makes me smile and not burst into tears.

I smile because I remember this day. I remember her in that bjorn.

those glasses

that bow

her outfit

...

first trip to the farmers market

WTFudge were we thinking?

summer!

AL and I took our newbe bebes.

The 2 things I remember most

#1 EVERYONE there adored Makenzie. Seriously everyone looked, commented or smiled at her -

Probably because she was on total display. I think she did this on purpose, she looks like a diva.

Note that she is awake. Alert. And totally satisfied. ha.

#2 the sweat pouring down my back from that bjorn.. it was like one of those body wraps that help you lose weight. although i ate like a whole pie so i definitely didn't lose weight that day.

#2.5 I remember that pie... mmm...

I love her. I'm so passionate about her.

I stare at the way shes holding her hands,

the way her head is tilted,

the very unimpressed look on her face.

This is my paradise.

So today- Its been 8 months.

8 months without her smile, arms, legs and essence.

Oh how I miss her.

Missing every little piece of her.

I still wonder how life has become this. How we are now in this place. Without her and learning to live again. You know me and songs-- well there is this song I listen to quite a bit. I have been trying really hard lately to have a more positive attitude. Try to find some happiness and try to find peace in the knowledge my daughter is with God.  This song by Garth Brooks fits for me, esp in times when I just don't know what to do. Its nothing really grand but a simple push in some sort of direction

I'm gonna smile my best smile

And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style

Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see

That learning to live again is killing me.

It might sound like a weird song but It makes me think I need to keep smiling, keep laughing even if it hurts.

I need to keep going for my daughter.  I want to return to her with so much accomplished. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to be happy to call me her Mom.

I miss her. I miss that life. That amazing life. Its hard right now. She was here this time last year. I was in paradise August 13th 2009. I miss those days. Waking up to her. Staying up late with her.

Feeding, bathing, walks, parks, car rides, trips, sun, swimming.

I used to love fall. My favorite season.

I loaded up her closet with hundreds of 2009 fall inspired clothing. I started Christmas shopping. I couldn't believe I was able to experience this amazing season with her.

This year- I don't want it to come. It makes me sick to think ill be experiencing this season without her and that the 1 year mark is coming.

To know ill live through that day again.
But ill keep trying. Everyday. Pushing through in honor of Her.

8 months down- a life time to go.