the D word.

After being woken up by a strong odor that milo left for me at 4 am. I laid back in bed. With everything around me being absolutely silent, my mind started wondering and I couldn't help but think of something I said earlier the day before.  I was talking with my sister when the D word slipped out.  I actually said it.  Never have said that word associated with my daughter before.  I usually say passed away, went to heaven... The D word just sounded so permanent and so scary. I was terrified to ever say that word to myself. To ever say it aloud. Well it being 4 am and not able to go back to sleep I decided maybe I needed to say it again. To say it to myself and see what I felt.  I did. I hated that word more than ever. I hate what it means.  Its so real. Its not sugar coated. Its not said with ease. You hear that word and it means sadness. Heartache. It hurts to have that word associated with the person I love the most. I have lost others in my life. I had no problem saying they died. It hurt, I was sad but it was a fact and that was it.  My sister died. I had uncles die. Grandparents died. Friends died. But this time. It was a word I just felt I couldn't say.
Ryan was gone this weekend. Hunting. So I was alone. I wanted to clear my head and try to find some kind of prompting. I wanted to feel something. I wanted a sign to know its okay. To know she is okay and to know Ill be with her again.  Every time something popped in my head I would throw it away (literally, In my mind I would imagine throwing a thought in the garbage) I did that for probably an hour. (I have so much going on up there, its rather frightening) After that hour- I was exhausted. I decided I should just get up and start my day. There was no point. I said the words but as much as I laid there praying and "throwing" my thoughts away I didn't feel anything I wanted to feel.  Through the day I kept thinking about that morning. I thought how strange it was that I was so calm. I cried. I yelled a little but I didn't throw myself out the window when I finally said that word like I thought I might. Progress?? I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe that was my answer. Maybe I was just given enough strength to say that word and know that word and believe that word and that was it.  I couldn't have the clouds part and the sun beam through as well I guess.

I spend lots of time going in her room. Looking at her clothes, her toys, her crib.  I held the last outfit she wore- I smelled it.  Still smells like her. I found the last pair of pajamas she wore. Seriously I don't know what I was thinking. That girl always looked so adorable but for some reason I dressed her in these ugly 90's velvet pajamas. Oh poor girl. I'm sure she was humiliated!  We all have to have one bad day right- guess that was hers.  I looked through her pictures. I held her little hand models.  I dreamed of her. Wished that word wasn't real. I wished I could have felt her.

I meet this sweet little girl on Friday who is 1 week younger than Kenzie. She lives down the street from me. I saw her mom pregnant- I thought it was funny we were having babies together and yet never talk to each other. I talked to them for the first time. She is adorable. She is big. I cant believe Kenzie would be that big. Walking!

So the rest of the day was spent saying that word. Because. For me. I think I need to believe that word now. In order for me to stop pretending. To stop playing house. To stop thinking she will be back soon. I so don't want to believe. I so don't want it real. But--- it is.

Makenzie Rye Webster died December 13 2009.