Round 3

I am a bit late in blogging about this but I have really tried not to think about it much so forgive me :)

So if you remember our last round of IUI didn't work so my OB wanted to start doing daily ultra sounds to watch my follicles and implant when they were right.  I went in for the first ultra sound on Friday December 23rd.  At the time I was at a 15 and needed to be at a 20 to get the trigger shot and get implanted.  If it wasn't for the Christmas weekend and the office being closed I would have continued to go in everyday until I reach the 20 mark. Well since it was Christmas they wouldn't be open again until the Tuesday after Christmas and my OB thought I would most likely ovulate sometime that weekend which would mean missing this months implant because there would be no one at the office.  They told me to continue testing with my digital ovulation through the weekend and if I happen to not test positive I would start the ultra sounds again on Tuesday.

So I tested everyday and on Monday I tested Positive... Woohoo.. That meant I would be able to get implanted the next day when they opened and I wouldn't miss this month.
I was happy that this month my OB was able to do the actual implant. Every other month I have gone in on the weekend so I was with 2 different on call doctors that I didn't know. and the other 2 times Ryan couldn't make it to the actual appointment so I felt much better having him there this round.
Everything fell into place much better so I am very hopeful for a good outcome as well.

Before I was implanted this round I was determined to not worry every second. Not to think about it much. Just to have the mind frame that if it happens it happens and there is nothing I can do to make it happen faster than what God already has in mind.

So we got implanted on December 27th.  Since then I have tried to keep my mind on anything but praying that I am pregnant.  This is our last vial so if we don't get pregnant off this round we will have to make the decision to either buy more vials or go another route.  I still don't know what we are going to do if it doesn't work but we will cross that bridge when it comes... or doesn't come...
I should start ms. flo on Tuesday. I told myself I wouldn't test until Tuesday. Of course that didn't happen. I have tested twice so far and both times were negative. BUT I am still hopeful. I cant rule anything out until I actually do or do not get ms. flo....  I was doing really good the last couple weeks. Being really calm. Being very neutral about the whole thing. but as we are getting closer to Tuesday I am more and more anxious.

I have been having a hard time finding the balance between consistently asking for this to happen to just stepping back and trusting in Gods plan. I have talked to him A LOT about just helping me find the right balance to know I am trying to be patient and trust in his plan but that I hope he knows what my heart wants.  I mean you are always told that if you don't ask you don't receive. But I don't want to spend hours and hours asking for something and not having the patience that I need to get it.

I want this.
More and more as time goes on.
I can only imagine some of you women.. and men.. out there that have gone through much more than me in trying to get pregnant. I really admire your strength and determination. I cant tell you how many times I just want to throw the towel in. Just lay down and cry and just say okay--- Ill just not have kids and ill start collecting dogs or something. I know that sounds silly. This is really only round 3 of our IUI but it has been a full year now that we have been trying for a family. We have gone through 3 different "plans" and we still have no baby. For a good part of the year we had a baby coming. We were thinking that at the end of this month we would be parents again. My due date was February 1st. I cant imagine being 9 months pregnant right now.

I have looked back over this last year and although I consider it one of the hardest-- maybe worst years. I cant begin to explain how much Ryan and I have grown. The changes in life. Who we are now vs. who we were a year ago. I know God needed us to learn certain lessons. Lessons that we will use. We needed to learn patience. Although I still have a long way to go with it. I can tell you right now I can see a difference in the amount of patience I have now.
You hear the quote all the time.
Life isn't about the destination... Its about the Journey getting there.
(so my quote might be a little off but you get the idea.)
I have to keep reminding myself that. The end of our road will be great. It will be full of everything we could ever imagine. But in order to get there we have to walk the road. Instead of racing to the end and looking back with nothing to show for it. We need to take our time. Make a difference, learn, enjoy, grow, find, breathe.  I think about my Makenzie's life so much. I think about her road. I am amazed that she was able to accomplish everything she needed to in such a short amount of time. It really says something about her. About her giant spirit. About her heart. She was able to give, learn, enjoy, grown, find, make a difference... she breathed. She worked harder than anyone could imagine to breathe. When I think I'm having a hard day I watch this video that I took of her... It was just a couple days before she was taken to Primary Children's for the last time. I took her shirt off and just recorded her breathing. I had been to so many doctors trying to figure out what was wrong. Trying to tell them that this wasn't normal and that she wouldn't just out grow it. I had to record her because I needed to show others in order to help her. My heart is literally ripped apart every time I watch it. I get sick to my stomach. I get cold. I get hot. I get uncomfortable. I get light headed. I get physically sick. Looking at how determined she was. How hard she fought. In the video she kept smiling and talking to me. It was the last video I recorded of her making noise. Just a couple days later she was intubated and in the PICU. I never heard her again.

This life is not suppose to be easy. No one has it easy. We all have so much to learn and so much to experience. We need to understand that as hard as it gets, we are meant to be here. There is a reason. There is no mistake. We... at least I... all to often worry I chose the wrong path. Worry I made a mistake and that this isn't the life I am suppose to lead. But then I look at my daughter. I look at her smile, her eyes, her determination and I know with complete certainly this is so right. I was lucky enough to be apart of her journey. I was lucky enough to help her through it. I was lucky enough to have her effect my life the way she has. and if I was on a different path. I would never have had her.
and when.. if ever.. I am lucky enough to welcome Makenzie's little brother or sister into our life. I know this path has given me a completely different level of understanding, patience and love to give them.
I am suppose to be on this path. I am meant to have this life. and I have to do everything possible to take advantage of what I have been given.