Wednesday, January 18, 2012

2 1/2 years old!

How in the world is it that you are 2 1/2 Makenzie?
Who told you that you could grow up? Who said that it was okay to let time go by so quickly?
I cant imagine what life would be like with a 2 1/2 year old. Running this household. I can only imagine the things you would have taught me. I can only imagine the Mum I would have been. Its funny because I sit here and tell you over and over how much I love and miss you and then I wonder how much I would actually love you if the last 2 years never happened? What if you were still here. Would I have learned how much I love I actually have for you?! I cant imagine that I ever would have. I cant imagine being able to really see this side of love. Seeing it be so pure. So limitless.
I feel so torn. Wanting you back. Wishing things were different. Aching to hold you.
But then I wonder what kind of Mother I would have been. I'm ashamed to say I wouldn't have been good enough. My patience was not what I should be. My love was not as big. Who you deserve- I was not. I wish I would have been. I wish I could have learned all this without going through all of it.
Don't get me wrong. I loved you with all my heart. I loved you with everything I had and I would have done anything and everything for you..... at least as much as my mind would have allowed... 
but now. Seeing how big, how long, how strong, how intense love can really be. 
I am a totally different Mom.
I know I'm not perfect. I definitely wont be with this baby either. But the way ill love will be completely different. Seeing my child's entire life. Seeing it begin and end. Knowing how it can all be over. 
Just like that. Changes someone.
Oh Makenzie you gave me the greatest gift I could ever imagine. You answered my prayers. As much as I wish you were here. Being a wild sassy 2 1/2 year old. I know that whenever I get to be your Mom again and raise you. I will be a million times better. I wont make as many mistakes. Mistakes like not soaking up what it feels like when your breath is on my neck. Mistakes like not kissing those toes more. Mistakes like thinking I always had tomorrow to read you a story, to have you see the sunrise, or to let you feel the snow fall on your cheeks. 










Then again... No amount of kisses, sunrises, books or winters would be long enough. 
For you my muffin, I really will need a lifetime. I will need eternity.
Time cant exist. I need you. All of you. and to never let you go.
Maybe God knew that.
I guess that was his plan.

I promise ill remember everything you taught me about love, life and happiness. I promise ill give my everything to your little brother or sister. I promise there will never be a day they forget you. Because if it wasn't for you. They wouldn't be here. and they wouldn't be loved and wanted like they already are.

Happy 2 1/2 year birthday Makenzie Rye. 
Thank you for giving me the world.
Someday ill repay you. 

11 comments :

Carolina said...

I keep dreaming of her. I don't know why, but each time I see her, she looks more beautiful and happy. :) I also had a dream you were having twins LOL. Talk about having your hands full! Happy 2 1/2 birthday lovely Makenzie!

Emmi Morrison said...

Have you read "Heaven is for real"? It is a quick read and it will do wonders for ur soul!

Ashley said...

Beautiful!

crystal said...

Kendra,
You are such a wonder mommy and person. I love reading your post about Kenzie. You have so much love for her. Thank you for allowing us to love Makenzie and follow you on your new journey. Happy 2 1/2 year Kenzie. Praying for you and Ryan!!!

Robin said...

I am sorry I missed Makenzie's half birthday yesterday. I think she is one of the most beautiful baby girls I have ever seen! She is so special. Praying for you and Ryan and Little Brother or Sister!
Happy half birthday Kenz!

Alesha said...

So so true. There are so many things learned that couldn't be otherwise. I dont know why but for me I still think I'd rather not learn them and have my little man here. Maybe it is because it is still too fresh. She is such a beautiful baby!

Amber Lynn said...

Hey Kendra.. I am in LOVE with your blog and your story

If you're interested follow me at


http://sincethewallsdonttalk.blogspot.com/

brigette said...

She is so precious!! Hugs Kendra and Ryan!!! Happy 2 1/2 years McKenzie!! Your words are amazing as always! You seem to speak right out of my heart but you say the words so much better!!

Wildali said...

You write so beautifully! It is such a gift to be able to express yourself like that. She is one lucky angel to have you as her mom. And you are of course so lucky to have her as your angel! Enjoy your pregnancy! Lots of good vibes your way!

Emma said...

This is such a beautiful post and the love you have comes through in every word. You have a very lucky little girl and another lucky little one on the way! I know they are the most loved babies in the world and are so blessed to have you as their Mommy! Hugs, Em

Toni ~ Mom to 8 heavenly Angels and 1 earthly Angel. said...

Your an amazing Mom!

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