How far along? 7 Weeks
Total weight gain: +1 lb.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: No complaints.
Best moment this week: Talking about baby names.
Miss Anything? Nope.
Food cravings: The generic- super cheap chicken noodle soup- cold.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Super sick this last week. Starting early and going away around 1:00 pm. Then it comes back around 5:00pm lasting until bedtime.
Gender: Ryan thinks boy. I think boy.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Sick.. Sick.. Sick...
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody :(
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound tomorrow!
This week has been super emotional. I don't know what triggered it but I have been having some serious issues. I want to lay around and cry all the live long day. The reality that this baby is coming and that they are not Makenzie and that they will help in many ways... But they wont fix it. Makenzie is gone. She isn't coming back. and there is nothing I can do about that. I will never be the person I was 3 years ago. Being pregnant around the same time line as with Makenzie has been a little hard. Remembering what I was thinking and feeling then. Not knowing the things that would happen. Not even imagining them to be possible. The innocence. I was 21 years old when Makenzie was born. I cant believe that person was able to do all that she did. I look at myself now and how much I have grown. What is important in life. What has changed and I cant imagine that 21 year old me going through the sickness and death of a child. I didn't know anything. I didn't know how to prepare. I wasn't strong enough.
Here I am today and I still don't feel strong enough. Thinking there is no way I could ever do that again. My Makenzie was the most beautiful gift I could have ever received in my life- she taught me how to love. Through her life and through her death. She made me a different person today.
I am scared. I am beyond nervous. I feel like I am doing this for the first time. Being a Mom. Being the type of Mom I need to be for this child. Before. I was a New Mom.
People would say-- Oh you will worry to much, be over protective, buy silly things that you will never use... You will learn alot by the time your second child comes along.... Now here they come. and I feel like a new Mom again. Not in all the same ways but in a lot of new different ways that I never even thought of before. Thinking about the ways to prevent this child from dieing. Thinking of ways to help them remember their sister. Worrying if ill remember how to do things. I forgot what foods you could and couldn't eat. I forgot different things that happen when your pregnant. I forgot the age you start feeding your child solid foods. I'm getting my baby books out and honestly feel I have never read them before. I am not only feeling like a first time mom, but at the same time I'm feeling like a old mom who is starting over after years of no babies. I have seen it begin and end. I have been there every step in between. I am scared of what will happen. I am scared of who I will be. As I have been thinking of that 21 year old becoming a first time mom I have been quickly reminded of that 22 year old that made the choice to end her daughters life. Fearing if that person was good enough. She didn't know anything. But there she was. and she lived through it. I lived through it. I have been praying that Makenzie forgives me for all the times I didn't do enough. For all the times I should have been a louder voice for her. Those moments that are forever engraved in my head. The hardest of hard. The darkest of dark. The moments where I prayed harder than I have or ever could pray. Pleading with God to help my child. Some of those moments I believe I did everything I could. Others, I wish I would have done more.
The only thing I know for certain about this next baby and that is the same as it was with Makenzie- I will never ever leave. I will never turn my back. I pray I have learned from what Makenzie has taught me. I pray I do better this time. I pray this child understands who they are and the kind of love I already have for them.
I would have given my life for Makenzie. and I will give my life to this bean.
In 231 days ill be a new mom- again- to an incredible life. and ill consider myself the luckiest Mom alive if they teach me just half of what Makenzie taught me.
Makenzie isn't coming back. This baby is coming into my life to help my heart grow. Not seal up that hole. Its going to be hard. Really hard. but through this baby ill be even closer to my Makenzie.