Friday, January 27, 2012

Dream?

I fear. The life that is growing in me will only last so long. Will they really be strong? Will it breath it's first breath? After that how many breaths will they take? The fear is overwhelming. Trying to plan life fearing how long we will have. I find myself gadgeing her 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days with this life. When will that be. Will 4 months 3 weeks and 5 days exist? We did all we could to get them here safe. Healthy. But a million things could happen. Or maybe it will be some fluke thing. They will be sick too. I am ill. Neausous. Wanting answers. Wanting a promise. Knowing I'll never get any of it. I'll get what I get. There is nothing I can do. But pray. And praying I am. I have been so frustrated with my brain. Forgetting. I'll rememer the dumbest thing about the 3rd grade but I forget some of the sounds makenzie would make. I need her. I will always need her. I stare at her pictures. Her perfect face. Imagining that day. Her. The sounds and smells. I want everything to stop. I want to go back. Go back to her. Give me a day. A moment. I would give anything. I would give anything for just a dream. A god damn dream. To go back. Why can't I get that? The last dream I had of her was almost 2 years ago. What the hell. Don't I deserve a dream? Just a minute to hold her? To tell her how much I love her? To tell her that I miss her more than she could ever imagine. To make sure she is healthy. Happy. That she is smiling. That she knows I have always wanted her. That I am living for her. I am tired of just talking to her and hoping she hears. I just want a dream. To know she hears me. I want to curl in a ball. Cry. Scream. And beg for a dream. I ask every night. I need to have a moment. I need her. I want a 2.5 year old running around. I want the life she gave me. I miss her. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't see. I am trying to live. Live with this. But it's so hard. It hurts. It's everyday. It's every hour. It's every minute. Living life without her. The empty room. The silence. The heavy arms. No story times. No kisses. No bath time. I pray this new baby gives me a life. And that their lifetime doesn't end before mine. I pray through them. I'll remember makenzie more.

12 comments :

The Fuchs*Pietrzak's said...

Oh, Sweetie... I know I do not know you personally, but I can sympathize. My husband died 4 years 6 months ago. I always wanted to dream about him, but only had one dream. It was weird and unfulfilling. All I have ever wanted was one more moment with him. To say goodbye. He died right in front of me, but I wasn't able to say goodbye. I know what it's like to need that back. I am so sorry you have to feel this way, but maybe you are not dreaming of her because dreams tend to lead to closure and she is not ready to let you go yet. She still needs her mama. You talking to her, writing about her, missing her is all her doing. She is always with you. Your dream will come. You will find so much comfort in this new baby. The worry will always be there, but I know you will make sure to enjoy every moment. No moment is a waste.

Alerie said...

I'm so sorry Kendra. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you get that dream you so need. Much love!!

Robin Sheehy said...

I cannot image how over whelming, exciting, and scary that this whole process must be for you guys. Think positive thoughts I am sending good vibes that all will go well for you both! Keep up on the updates. :)

Jujubee said...

Praying for that dream... That comfort... I hear your heart through your words... thank you for being so real. The pain you go through on a daily basis... I know it never goes away... Just one day at a time... Drawing strength from your prayers and people who love you. Thinking and praying for you. Much love... Sent all the way from here to there.

Robin said...

I don't know what to say, other than you have to trust in God. Trust in Him that He will take care of you in ANY situation in this life. God is good, no matter what trial we might be going through. I am praying for you, and Ryan and this precious little one you carry inside of you. I am so sorry you are scared, who wouldn't be? You have every right to be terrified. You have had the most special person taken from you. I know Makenzie is in Heaven. I bet God is bouncing her on His knee. He is loving on her. I also know how badly you need this baby, and I'm sure God knows this too. Praying so hard for you that this baby be healthy and happy and lives on this earth for many, many wonderful years! I know it is so hard, but try to relax and enjoy the moment. Don't worry about what could be. You will miss out on so much. Praying for you always!

Heather said...

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know there's nothing. I can't even imagine your pain. My daughters name is Makenzie Rae, and she and your Makenzie look so much alike. I think of you often, even though we don't know each other. I'll continue to do so and hope for the best with the new baby. You're an amazing person and mother, and I know she's looking down on you all!

Amanda said...

I am so incredibly sorry that you are hurting so much. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers, and I, too, will ask that you get your dream. ((hugs))

Melissa said...

I wish that I understood why we dream what we dream and why we don't dream what we want to dream. I know you are scared about the "what if's", and I can understand why. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am sure this little peanut growing inside of you is going to be amazingly perfect!

Kennedy Klan said...

As my tears pour down my face, I to pray for you Kendra. I pray that this little sweet baby growing inside of you can get here safe and healthy. That it will bring with them pieces of your Makenzie as well. Just so you will always remember her and also to start a new life with this new tiny one. I pray that you will be able to teach this new baby all about their big sister and the life she did live, the lessons she taught and what a very special spirit she is. I am sure its normal to have the fears you have, but dig deep down and find the faith that god does love you and wants you to be happy. That this new baby will get here safe and you will have an entire lifetime to enjoy him/her. Also, I feel like Makenzie has had a hand in picking out this new little one, she sees your pain and wants for you and her daddy to be happy. She has been talking with this new baby, walking with this new baby and preparing them for their first breath. You and Ryan are in my prayers :o)

Alesha said...

Oh Kendra it just isn't fair. I wish every night I could dream of Pierce. Why can't we? It would be so nice to have a time when you could unlive this bad dream that is everyday. Just a little glimpse of what it could be like or even what it was. But then maybe it would be even harder realizing all that we really are missing? Urgh, I feel for you. I really hope and pray for you and your new baby!

tmasciantoni said...

I remember wanting thoes dreams so badly after my son passed away. I had a couple and they seemed so real. I remember thinking if I can dream of him every night I could survive this. I could watch him grow up in my dreams, it would be better than nothing. It has been 9 years since I last held my baby. I could never comprehend being without him this long but, here I am. We are survivors, we may not have cancer but, I beleive we choose to live everyday. It would be so easy to give up but, that is not the kind of person we are. We live so our children's memories live on. You will see your Mackenzie again. What a joyous reunion. Your fears are normal. I felt the same way when having another child. It is terrifying. So many mixed feelings all at the same time. But, this baby will bring you a new joy. It will be different fromt the joy with Mackenzie. But, it will be beautiful. Don't feel bad when you hold this new baby tight in your arms but, you cry for Mackenzie. I did that many times. Your love for Mackenzie will grow with this baby. My heart goes out to you. This is a long road to travel.

Teresa

Kristalynn said...

I SOO know how you feel. I was just crying last night before I went to bed wondering why don't I ever dream about Laila? I want to dream about her so desperatly! I want to see her, hold her, smell her, know she is ok, see her happy, not just laying there lifeless. I haven't dreamt of her in over a year, and when I did dream of her then the was stuck in a room, perfectly fine, but I couldn't go in there for some reason. It.was.torture.

Just know that you aren't alone. You aren't the only one who doesn't get to dream about their angel. I dream, I dream all the time, almost every night I have the most random, out of the box, stupid dreams, but never about the one thing I want/need to dream about..Laila.

I hope you get your dream soon.

I think of you so often, my whole family and all of my friends know your story, know of Kenzie, know the statistics of SMARD, know of your miscarriage, know of your options for expanding your family, know the last and final vial was the one to finally work :), and know I want more than anything for this baby to bring you and Ryan so much happiness, joy, and hope. Hopefully I will join you on the pregnancy train soon!

I have lost alot of faith in GOD through losing Laila but I find myself praying a little more now...and the things I pray about...Laila, my other daughter Bree, to help Randy (Laila's dad) through losing her, getting pregnant, about to start the second round of clomid, for some reason I am not ovulating:(, little Makenzie, this new little one growing in your belly, you and Ryan to have a healthy, happy, pregnancy and full life with this baby, Preslee, Ledger, Ashley & Patrick.

You and Ashley have given me strength. You both have pulled me through days I didn't think I could get through or even want to get through. I hope both of you know how much you both have helped me, shown me, and guided me through this horrible thing called life. Never doubt how amazing each of you are.

Thank You. From the bottom of my broken heart. Thank you.

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