Thursday, October 7, 2010

the story in a shoe box

its no secret that Ryan and i are young. early 20's. we have been married 4 years next month. we have been together for most of our adult life. its strange to realize how old we are and how far we have already come in life. i thought i would be open and share a little about our life.
we have known each other for years. we first met while i was living with my sister and brother in law and he lived down the street. we went to the same church and he would make fun of the clothes i would wear :) charming!
through high school we never talked much. we both were dating other people and not interested at all in each other. after i graduated he started talking to me again. through-none other than- myspace! that's right folks, we reconnected through myspace. ahh that evil social network. we started hanging out. nothing serious just friends. went to some football game, watched some football games and well-- that was it. really isn't he charming! after a few months, talking-not talking, friends-not friends we started dating. within a short amount of time we were engaged. then married. the knot was tied. the ring was on. before we even really knew what happened! our first few months were spent at the in laws. we lived in Ryan's old room until we could find a place to buy. i worked nights and he worked days. life was crazy. we finally found a townhouse around February. i was in love. we had hardly any furniture but enough to get buy. we were given a kitchen table. Ryan and his dad made our bed out of trees they cut down. we used the same bedroom furniture as i had growing up. we had a love seat and a love sac in the front room along with Ryan's OLD school tv/vcr combo. it was a box. it was small. Ryan brought his weight set over so we had our own home gym :) it was 3 bedroom and 2 family rooms and 3 bathrooms. we didn't know what to do with all the space. 2 of the rooms were empty. in march we bought our harley. at that time. we were still getting used to life together. we didn't know what to do. we would watch tv. wonder around the neighborhood. hang with a few friends. it was boring and not very exciting. we should have really enjoyed that time because oh how things have changed. you know how everyone says the first year is the hardest. hmm. we never understood that because the first year was awesome. we still liked each other :)
it was year 2 and 3 that were trouble. year 2 was the hardest. our commitment and love were really tested. we started settling into real life, real responsibility, real money, real work. it was not very fun. that year was spent fighting. usually over dumb things. like socks. who the -bleep- left another pair of socks laying in the middle of the kitchen floor for the dog to chew up. HELLO! we would argue about why i needed to paint the front room yet again. we would fight about why no one had clean undies. we would fight about why someone looked at the other person wrong. oh dear. we were a mess. however... shortly after we began into year 3 we added #3. i was pregnant. holy fertile myrtle Kendra. yes i was with child. we were sure it was a boy. i mean that's the American way right. boy then girl then white picket fence with the dog and happily ever after. year 3 was spend arguing about buying to much baby stuff, it was spent worrying about college funds, preschool fees, daycare, breastfeeding, the new world of "love making" while pregnant. SERIOUSLY. no one told me about that in maturation class or birthing class for that matter. no one told my my husband would be scared to death to touch me. no one told me i would turn into a whale and not be able to move around that belly. hmmm.. TMI?
annywho... after we found out that American dream we expected was a little turned around and we were having a girl oh how life became full of pink and purple and fairies. Ryan and i somehow grew up quite a bit overnight. we became a team and life seemed to be really good. in the midst of year 3 she was born. oh how the love grew. but so did the stress. i was soon so worried he wasn't spending enough time with kenzie, i was upset he didn't know all her cues like i did, i didn't understand why he didn't jump every time she made a peep. ah it was a bit stressful. he refused to change a dirty diaper until one day. i was in the shower. she pooped. she stunk. and he had no choice but to change her diaper. he tied that rag around his face and did it. oh was he proud. he told me over and over he did it the rest of that day and into the next. he still talks about it sometimes. being her mom and changing about 3-4 poo diapers a day, i was not impressed. sorry babe. he was funny with that girl. their favorite thing, to nap. i was annoyed. i wanted him to wake up and play with her but they napped better than playing. he liked her but she didn't do much of anything so he kinda got bored. he liked when she would smile at him but he didn't need to sit and stare for hours on end like me. he was attached to her but he wouldnt crumble at the thought of leaving her for a minute like me. hmm.. the difference between men and women. right before that 3 year anniversary we were on top of the world. married, with a home, good jobs, a dog and that little girl we dreamed of. wow. we thought we were so grown up. we thought we knew life. we thought we could do anything. on our anniversary we got our family pictures taken. it was a miracle we did this. they were scheduled the week before but we had to cancel because kenz was having her surgery. i wanted these pictures for our Christmas card so i rescheduled for the next available date. it was our anniversary. we went to liberty park. it was freezing. Kenzie was miserable. i felt so bad for her. after pictures we went to red lobster. our favorite restaurant. we warmed up and enjoyed reminiscing over the past 3 years. we went home to watch some tv before bed. i was going back to work the next day after taking more time off for her surgery. my mom was going to watch Kenzie. for over a week she had been sleeping in our room in the porta crib so we could monitor her breathing. i never got a minute of sleep with her in there so i was looking forward to her moving back to her room. i would wake up at the slightest sound. i slept with my hand on her so i could feel her breathe. it was horrible. i was exhausted but we had to do it. Ryan never slept either, he would keep getting up through the night to check on her as well. needless to say we were looking forward to her moving back into her room. so the next day was November 17th. the day she checked back into primary children's hospital and the day she never checked out.  over the next month we grew. more than we could have in a whole lifetime. we experienced so much that we never imagined experiencing. our marriage was tested, our love was tried, our commitment was on the line. through it, we passed with flying colors. luckily through every test, every diagnosis, every night we stuck together. we agreed on just about everything. towards the end, that's when we really grew. to know we were losing the thing that really brought us together. to know we were going to say goodbye to the best part of our lives and that we would have to learn to live our life without her. without that thing holding us together. wow. it was incredible. to see Ryan. to see the man he became. to see the person i became. i never thought. after December our marriage was really tested. we battled between making new lives for each other, we battle with knowing we couldn't just have another baby and that we both carried this horrible disease. we battled with depression, anxiety, crazy behaviors, irrational thoughts. we not only lost our daughter but we lost the love that tied the 2 of us together. we loved each other before but we didn't love like we should have. we never saw that then. but i see it now. through the loss of Makenzie we had to learn how to love each other with that same love we had for our daughter. Now that's hard. To realize there is no one to blame, to understand you are both suffering the same, to know there is no competition to who is hurting worse. You are both together, with the same wound, with the same scar trying to survive. We could have and still could easily fall apart. The grief has been so great that I could see how someone would go mad. Lose their mind and fall off the deep end. I have been on that edge and if Ryan wasn't there, sometimes with tough love, I would have fallen. Through year 4 we have both grown emotionally and spiritually. We have grown together as partners and individually. I'm being real. Life has progressed in a way I never imagined. I'm not ready to say I wouldn't change a thing or everything happened for a reason. Maybe someday but not now. So why am I writing this?
Because I wanted to reflect a little on where we once were to where we are now.
..... And I know its something that you think about so much that it keeps you up at night wondering so I figure I better lay it on the table. your welcome.
so here we are. 3 different paint changes in the living room, new couch, new table, replacing 3 toilets, 4 mice killed, no broken windows (woohoo), 1 break in, replacing carpet and windows, new truck, new dog 1&2, promotions at work, new tv, school, world travelers, new family members, losing others, new friends, a couple failed garden attempts, cable upgrade with dvr, putting up a for sale sign 3 times, new AC, new refrigerator, 1 emergency room visit, 1 new washer, 1 new dryer, 1 new truck, 1 pregnancy, 1 delivery, 1 little girl. 1 crazy life.

11 comments :

Shawna said...

Hey Kendra,

I've been thinking of you today. Wondering how you are doing. I hope you are okay. I hope you are getting in your dance parties with Kenzie. I love the shortened version of your story. Love and prayers, Shawna

butterflymom said...

Simply amazing post...brought tears to my eyes. So glad that you have each other...hold onto that with all of your might. ((hugs))

Olga said...

I'll say it again and probably never stop believing it: you and Ryan are amazing. You seriously have been to hell and back and still are managing to live through it.
I remember Nov 17th last year still so vividly. I hated seeing you again in that situation, and all my partner and I could talk about the rest of that day was your little bright eyed girl :)
Our marriage hasn't been all that easy either with our hectic schedules, but seeing how you two managed to do it through so much gives me hope! I hope we can do half as well as you do :)
(PS- if you ever want to double, my husband LOVES Red Lobster lol)

AJ said...

You don't know me but I follow after finding you on Samster Mommy. Love this recent post. I am a few years into my marriage and you said it best. It's a crazy life. :)

Candace said...

You are amazing.. I love this.

♥ Stephan & Michelle ♥ said...

I love that you posted this. You remind me all the time to appericate the little things in my life, and to forget the bad, or just plain stupid things I worry about. You both are amazing and strong and you both show what true love really is. To go threw all the ups in downs in life and to fight for your love! Not alot of people are as strong as you both are! I know that you may think you aren't strong from past posts. But you both are! I cant ever say enough how much I look up to you!

Gaspegirl said...

Oh it has been too long since my last visit. You are still on my prayer list my friend and I can tell that you are healing. It is a slow process but you will make it. Great post!!

(((hugs)))
Marge

brigette said...

What a great post. You are so sweet Kendra. You and Ryan are amazing!!

Shari UBan said...

I am just addicted to your writing and all of your words, I love the fact that you lay it all out straight, you tell it how it is, no sugar coating, but just so real. I wish I could take away every pain that you do have because you and Ryan are such wonderful people, but I know that one day it will all be figured out! I am always hoping for that miracle cure, and that all the little Kenzies in this world are cured. Your so amazing, and I hope you feel how loved you are even to people who are and who are not close to you. Your inspiring!!!

Anonymous said...

I listened to a song the other day and I thought about you, Ryan and Makenzie. It goes something like this:

Life's not the breaths you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain't what's it's all about
You just might miss the point
Trying to win the race
Life's not the breath you take
It's the moments that take our breath away.

Our family has been though so much these last couple of years. We have all grown and learned about love and patience. We are still trying to understand and make sense of all that has happened. I believe that one day we will all know and understand each of our missions in life. I know that the experiences we have had and the great headaches we have endured this past year have made us stronger. I know that when I think about Kenzie, I want to be a better grandma, a better wife and mother. I want to be a good example for her and for all my children. I love you both so much and pray every day for peace to come to your hearts. Remember the moments that have taken your breath away, that have helped you grow into the wonderful parents, the generous man and woman that you've become, the children that I love, admire and respect. Life has so many other moments that will take your breath away, take advantage of them. One day we will share all those moments with Makenzie. I love her so much and miss her with all my heart. Love, Becky

Chanse and Janell said...

I really love this post.

Hope you are doing well sweetie!

XOXO

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