Monday, October 25, 2010

snow

I woke up thinking today would be better. Bad night- but ill have those. I cried long and hard. Ryan held me close and made me breathe. It lasted longer than I thought. It finally ended and I fell asleep with those...hufff...hufff's...eyes crusted, face red and totally limp.  Woke up- moved through the motions. Didn't really think about anything. Walked outside and saw the white. I stood there staring at the mountains next to my house. I only wore a light sweater so I could feel the chill deep. I couldn't look away. The white was hypnotizing.  I went back to a place. This time- this same week- in 2009. I was looking outside our front window. Ryan was out picking up dog poop (nice!) Harley was going crazy because the snow was falling. She was jumping around trying to catch it right out of the sky. I stood by the window holding mine. I debated to get her all dressed up and take her out. Let her feel that chill, let her feel the sprinkles on her face. She just watched. I decided not to- She was sick by this time. We didn't know what was wrong but I worried she could catch a cold and we didn't need that on top of everything else. So we stood there.

As I gathered myself. Got in my car. Turned up the heat since I was now a pop cycle I couldn't help but feel those tears coming again. BUT this time- I made them stop. Because well, I already did my make up and didn't want to come to work with red face.  I drove the 30 minute drive and as I stopped at the light just blocks from work I put my arm up on the window- my hand brushed against the glass and I went back again. Only this time- It was a month from now. In the hospital. I hated leaving that place. I hated being far from Makenzie. After everyone would go home, after it was just her and I and the night time nurse. After I gave her kisses and we picked our dream for that night, after I went back several times to her bed and just watched her, after her eyes got heavy and I was certain she would fall asleep once I stopped standing right in front of her (seriously she would hardly ever go to sleep if someone was right there, it was like she had to stay awake for us, she would fight it and fight it)
I would sit down on my fold out chair/bed. Look out the frosty window that was ice cold. I had a small view of the roof and the city. There was usually always snow by this time. Those nights it would be snowing I would wonder if I would ever be able to take her out in it. If she would ever be able to feel a snow flake on her face. I would think about the day, think about tomorrow and worry what she would and and wouldn't be able to see in her life.  Those sounds- the beeping, the paging, the chairs, the doors, the curtains, the squeaky shoes. They are so clear in my head. At the time- it was sounds of life. Because that's what kept her with me. Now they shake me. They ring in my head and I just want to scream. They are the sound of the end. They are the sounds of the last breath she took. They are the sounds of the end of that life. I can hear them all the time.

Someone had to honk at me, I didn't realize the light turned green. The wet roads, the chill air, the feeling of this time before. Its coming back. Its always been hard to imagine this time last year. But now, we are getting into the harder parts. We are seeing the end creep up. We are knowing the outcomes and seeing how innocent we once were. I am understanding more. I am frustrated at the life she had to endure to end up where she is now. The road she was on was not easy. It was not the easy way out. Not at all. I saw her everyday. Every minute. I knew the strength she had. She wasn't scared. That was us. There were few moments she was scared. She had more passion for life than anyone I have ever known.

I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes before going in. Collected myself and said a prayer aloud.
Its has come. The days are coming. Those hard days. I have to know Ill be living them again.
But in a different way and so will she. She is okay now.

7 comments :

Shawna said...

I love your posts Kendra. You express everything so well. Getting all of your feelings and thoughts out is helping you and, I believe, others as well. I'm so glad you are feeling that is is okay now. I thank God for giving you the ability to feel that even through your pain. Still praying.

Melissa said...

I cannot imagine ever losing my daughter/son and every time I read your Blog I feel like I'm standing in your shoes (emotionally) for just those few minutes it takes me to read through your post. I wish that parents never had to experience losing a child. I pray that God continues giving you strength on a daily basis. I wish I could hug you, but my thoughts are with you every single day.

Anonymous said...

Your memories of Kenzie are so precious. No one can ever take them away from you. I believe in my heart she is very much aware of how you feel about her and knows that you miss her so much. But she is in a wonderful beautiful place watching over you and is so proud of her parents. You are right - she is okay! Keep praying honey and we are praying for you and Ryan too. I know our prayers are heard but we also have to trust that our Heavenly Father will do what is best for us. Today and in the future, I hope and pray for peace to come to your heart and healing that will wrap you in His warmth and love. Love you so much. Auntie M

Emma said...

As much as your last two posts have brought me to tears the last line of this is so, so insightful. She is okay, better than okay. Kenzie can breath, can laugh, can play, can BE....and you were able to give her that selfless gift. You let her go even though you knew you would have to live with the pain in order to let her truly live...a parents love is like no other and you made the ultimate sacrafice. These coming weeks are going to be so hard, reliving every minute of last year but there are so many of us sending our love and strength and prayers...and most importantly Kenzie is with you every step of the way. Although the pain will be unbearable at times, she is a reminder of what you gave-you gave her a chance to live a life she wouldn't have had here on Earth-all the while feeling the incredible love you and Ryan have for her.
You are both amazing parents, stand together, fall down when you need, have those times where you let it all out....the strength comes in getting back up and you are doing it amazingly.
Love and hugs, Em

brigette said...

Sweet kendra!! Your post rings so true! Isn't it amazing how these" triggers" can bring us back to that place? I love you so much and am sending you many prayers your so amazing!!

Casey and Melissa said...

You absolutely don't know me. I only heard your story through Cindy, but I wanted to tell you that you are in my heart. I hear your words and I think about how often I have feared that your words would be my words. How much I appreciate that your words are NOT my words. I am praying every day for healing for you and your husband. You are stronger than you should have ever had to be. God bless, God bless, God bless.

Alerie said...

Kendra I know this time of year is going to be hard and I'm so sorry. You and Ryan are always in my prayers. AND yes she is ok....she is FREE!! Much love!!

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