Tuesday, October 5, 2010

growth

days like those take a lot out of me. energy, desire, wanting, doing. i think im getting back. after mass amounts of tears. laying around. hundreds of prayers. i think im getting back. in the midst of those days/moments i feel im taking a step back. i feel im losing ground and i am not moving forward. im slowly realizing that those moments are moments where im still progressing. to keep growing and learning i have to still experience those days. the missing of Makenzie will never go away. forever i will ache for her. i will wish she was still here. i will imagine the life i would have with her. those days are part of this hell. they are part of losing a child. i cant get away from that. i need to learn how to embrace it better instead of fighting it so much. so today. on a better day than yesterday. im going to have that dance party, im going to buy a balloon, im going to sing to her, im going to hug that man. who knows how tomorrow will be. today ill remember the good, ill see the positive, illl grow.

7 comments :

Alerie said...

Always thinking of you and praying for you!! I hope you had an amazing dance party today!! Much love!!

Shawna said...

Still praying for you Kendra. I'm glad you had your dance party with her. I hope you loved it.

Cox Family said...

I am glad you are having a better day today and that you got to have your dance party! A family friend just lost her baby and at her funeral they played the song "I will carry you" by Selah. I was wondering if you had ever heard it? Such a beautiful song for all those who have lost sweet little babies! Praying for you as always!

Emma said...

Please don't look at those days as a step backward, they are not. I know they feel like it but they are necessary. As hard as they are embrace the feelings, embrace the loss so you can work through it. Lean on anyone and everyone when you feel you can, cling to Ryan when you can and when you need moments alone, that is okay too....Kenzie is there with you even in those times, especially in those times. I am glad today is a better day, and no, you will never know when the 'bad' days will come but if you can slowly start to lean toward them, welcome them almost, then you will move through them and come out even stronger-as you have all along. You are such an inspiration, such an incredible mother and wife and you just keep doing what you are...taking it one day at a time, one minute, one second at a time. Thinking of you, and sending you lots of hugs, Em

TMI Tara said...

You have been thrown into the refiner's fire. You most certainly are growing, Kendra. It is painful, but you are growing. You are amazing. So sorry you have these painful times. I'm always thinking of you (and wishing I were at dinner with you right now instead of work, looking forward to next week!) Love you.

Anonymous said...

Kendra - I found this quote: “Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” Most of us can GET through the day but it is the growth we get and figuring out how to get the MOST out of life that is sometimes the hardest part. You will figure it out. It takes time, it takes making those good choices, it takes remembering why it is important to progress, it takes a lot of courage. I am glad you had a good day on Oct 5th. Remember - what you are going through is a process. You can't go around it - you have to go through it, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. You are one brave, amazing young woman. Your daughter is so proud of her mommy and daddy. You have made it possible for all of us to realize that each and every life, including those that only last just shy of 5 months, has meaning. Hang in there and keep going. Love you lots Auntie M

Shawna said...

Kendra,

I heard this song the other day and thought of you. Then I thought, na, maybe it doesn't fit. But then I have heard it the last two days in the car and just now when I checked your blog, it popped into my head. So, I think I should share it. It is by Josh Wilson -- "Before the Morning" and the lyrics are:

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

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