Friday, October 15, 2010

Held

Sometimes Most times through my life I have forgotten some pretty important people. I try not to but when I don't get the answers I want or when I want them I get angry and just block it from my mind.  Who else would I be talking about but God and Jesus Christ.  I have always been religious. I grew up LDS and have since left the church but found peace in other areas.  In my adult years I have really been known to forget those same people. No prayers, no thoughts, no thank yous, no wishes. I just lived. Living life thinking I control it and no one else. Thinking I make the good, the bad and whatever in between.  I never denied there was a greater power but I never really understood it. I didn't want to really think about it.  Once Kenzie came around how could I not think about it a little more. To know she came from heaven and was as perfect as she was. However, it wasn't until I was faced with her life in my hands that I really reached out to someone else.  Life was no longer in my control, nothing I did would change the fate of my daughters life. She was the way she was, her life was changing, her body was failing and I was stuck. I would beg God to let me keep her. I would plead when she was in pain to help her. I have never prayed so much in my life. For strength, for guidance, for healing, for hope, for love, for comfort, for peace, for help, for everything.  I needed him to come down, look me in the face and tell me she was going to be okay. He needed to assure me he would take care of her.  I never got that. In the hospital I felt she told me in her own way though. Its hard for me to describe it now because I am not in touch with that side like I was then. It only lasted while Kenzie was there. It was her. Her spirit. She made me feel comfort, peace and assurance that she would be okay.  That's all I wanted. For her to be okay- more than okay, Perfect.  I hated those tubes, I hated her failing body, I hated that fact that she was and never would be free again. 

After she returned to God, I expected comfort.  I needed a BIG in your face promise she was safe. She made it to heaven okay and that she was being taken care of.  I am not smart, I'm not really in touch with a spiritual side, I don't know how to meditate. I couldn't have a subtle whisper in my heart. I needed fireworks. AND I figured I deserved it.  I mean I have tried to live a good life, I have tried to live serving others I have lived wanting to make a difference. Then I had a baby, I was minding my own business when out of no where he took her from me. He totally stole her and didn't have a care for my feelings.  He left me empty, he left me broken. How dare he. How can he take her. I would take better care of her than him. I love her more. He has no idea what this kind of pain is. Why would he do this. Anger. Unbelievable amount of anger. Screaming at him. You take her then you never come to me. You stole my daughter and left me alone.  How could you leave me now? How could you not comfort me? Why wont you answer my prayers. I need to know she is okay, I need to feel her around me. Let me dream of her. Every night. I deserve that. I deserve to KNOW she is in heaven.

Its taken 10 months. 10 months to finally release some of that anger. Do I still have it. Yes. I think I might for a long time. But. I realized the other night, while I was crying. Missing her. How much I don't want to be like THIS forever. That I want to make her proud, I want to find joy, I want to find peace, I want to be happy. I want to find a reason again.  I cried. I talked to God. I told him I need him. I told him I don't want to be mad at him anymore. I need to have him take care of her so I don't need to worry as much because I cant spend my everyday thinking only about her and worrying if she is okay. I need to work, I need to find a hobby, I need to smile, I need to get out. I will carry her with me the whole time but I need to not cloud my mind with that over powering MISSING, WANTING, HOPING feeling. That's what take my energy. That's what consumes my everything. The guilt is there. Thinking it might hurt Kenzie's feelings that I don't sit there and wish her back all day. I worry she will think I don't love her, miss her, want her. Even though- I know how much I feel all that in my heart.  Kenzie knows my heart. That's whats important. Its not whats on the front of my mind that she is paying attention to, its the person I am inside. She knows I'm hurting. She knows I miss. I bet she is wishing she could help more. Screaming at me when I'm screaming at God telling me she is right here if I would just be.  I have been forcing this in your face feeling that I wont accept anything less. I asked God to help. I need serious help. I don't know what I want, need, feel. I just hurt and don't want to hurt like this forever. 

He has a plan. I believe that. I know Makenzie had a purpose and she fulfilled her purpose very early in life. Me- oh I have a lot of work to do. My purpose has not been fulfilled and I have to keep going until it is.  I have to make sure I do my job here so that I can be free with her forever.  This time is seeming to take way to long to get through. 10 months seems like a long time but in reality- If I live to be 85. I have 744 more months to get through. That's a lot.  But I cant waste a single one either. When I look back it wont seem long at all. Ill understand. Ill have a pure knowledge of why. The passing of Makenzie was suppose to be part of my journey. As much as I hate that and so DON'T want to believe it. It is. To know I have to go through this in order to get to where I'm going is really hard to wrap my head around. 

Makenzie is in heaven.  My daughter died. I am a mother who doesn't get to hold her child. At 23 I have experienced the greatest amount of loss anyone can experience in their whole life.  I am needing to learn. I am learning because there is something greater. This is not it. This world is just that- the world, earth and temporary.  It will run out, get old and not last forever.  The reality of forever is strange. No beginning and no end. My mind right now cant comprehend it. But Kenzie knows. She can see the reasons why. She can see the reality of forever. She is happy because she doesn't have to go through this icky world to get to where she is now. She doesn't have to deal with girl drama, boy drama, parental drama. She gets to be in the most amazing place ever. She gets to have her parents simply adore her to pieces and never for one second feel a little upset with her. She gets to just experience love. All the time. What a life. She gets to know she has changed the world in a very short amount of time and she helped make it a little better.  Makenzie is smiling, she is playing with all those balloons that never pop, she is laughing at all her friends, she is being snuggled, tickled, hugged all day. 

I don't need to worry. I need to understand God knows me. Even though I worry he doesn't, I have to have faith he does. Because- he promised. I wish I could understand a fathers love.  I wasn't able to experience that in my life growing up but I saw that for a moment with Ryan and Makenzie. I try to compare that love to Heavenly Fathers love for me. To think I'm his child. To think he knows me. To think he knows Makenzie and to think he didn't want to make me suffer. He didn't want to hurt me. He wanted to give Kenzie more. He couldn't let that perfect little girl live in this life any longer and experience the kind of pain I was feeling. She was to perfect for that. She knew to much. She was ready. How can I be mad at the person who saved her.

This song is amazing. You know me and music. I have it on my phone and listen to it several times a day. It reminds me. It gets me through because I know I am being held.
I look back and think, how did I sit next to my dieing child?
How did I hold her as her life was ending?
How did I give her to that nurse?
How did I say goodbye?
How have I not completely lost it?
How am I still breathing?

Because I am not doing it alone. I have an amazing husband. Wonderful family. And a perfect God that is holding me through it all. Those times I'm curled in a ball, he has picked me up and squeezed me tight. Even though the pain was still so great and so there. He helped it pass. He helped me continue.

Here are the lyrics to Held by Amy Grant

Two months is too little

They let her go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from her mother

While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

Were asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

If hope if born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held


 
So now, I am not forgetting. They are in my life everyday. Because. without them- I wouldn't have her. Life is hard. It sucks. I wish everyone could catch a break more often. The suffering is to great. All around the world. But I'm learning through God- Ill be okay. Ill find my reason again.

21 comments :

The Berg Family said...

Once, when I was really mad at God, someone told me to just let it all out at Him. If anyone could take it He could. I was told it was ok to be angry b/c no matter what, He will always be there in the end.

You are incredibly brave and so very honest and even though I don't know you, I admire everything you are doing to live and move forward.

Olga said...

I'm glad you found this song (it's actually by Natalie Grant, amazing artist). You should try listening to K-Love radio when you are super down, I find that so many songs they play are just what I need to hear at just the right time (107.5 in this area)

debbie said...

I loved so many things you said in this post. You are so brave to share your thoughts, I don't think I could do it. I went and listened to this song, and it is so beautiful. Love you!

Daniel.Sarah.Allysea.Kennadi said...

Your words always inspire me. I love reading your true feelings about everything! Love you! Can't wait for dinner Thursday!!! :)

the h fam said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the h fam said...

i am one of those creepy blog stalkers :)! sorry if this weird for me to tell you, but i think you're so incredible. you're honest, brave, and strong. i can't relate to losing a child, but i can relate to the love of a child, and i really think you're amazing! i love reading all your posts! i have a friend that experienced the loss of her 18 month old and she's blogged about the whole experience as well. i don't know if you'll find comfort in reading preslee's story or if you'll just be annoyed i sent you to her blog...here's the link: http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/
you're so right about kenzie being loved by her Heavenly Father. and He loves you just as much as He loves her!
you're beautiful and you rock!

Shawna said...

Kendra, this is a great post. I love so much of what you wrote and am saying a prayer of thanks for the growth you have acheived in the last couple of months, which I know, as do you, has not been without the help of God. I love that song and have thought of you when I've heard it. I'm glad you have it. I'm glad you are feeling held. I'm glad you are learning and growing. Love and prayers, Shawna

Cox Family said...

BEAUTIFUL song! I am glad you are feeling God's presence because he does hold us and never let's go!

Ali said...

I found your blog kinda on accident. So I follow you because I am now a creepy blog stalker :)

I love the things you say. They aren't edited. They aren't to impress. They are real. And for those of us that also struggle with being "in tune" or good at prayers, etc. you really speak to us.

You inspire me. I never want to relate to you. Obviously. But if I ever hurt like you hurt, please be my BFF. Even if we are 85 :)

And ps me and my girls sent two balloons up to Mackenzie. And to all the other babies who get to play all day, never have to take naps or get vaccines, and ALWAYS have a full belly. They also get to see their mommies everyday. To watch and observe them. For you will always be Mackenzie's most favorite toy of all :)

It sounds like the best place ever.

Alerie said...

I loved everything about this post. It was so real and honest!! AND yes God is holding you right now. He is always with us!! I love the Footprints poem, I feel like it is so true!! It is during the hard times, that he is not only holding our hand, but also carrying us. Even though that is hard to see sometimes, because of our pain. You amazing Kendra and I'm glad you were able to feel this. This song you posted is beautiful and this post and this song reminded me of another song. I might have emailed it to you before, I don't know, but if not here are the lyrics. Go listen to it, I think it is a beautiful song also. Much Love!!

JJ Heller - Your Hands

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Emma said...

Oh Kendra, once again you are so inspiring and Kenzie is still teaching you so much-what an incredible little girl she is! I am so glad you are working through the anger, don't worry, God can take it!! He is there for you, even when you don't want Him there, and will continue to be through this journey. I know Kenzie is in good hands, as hard as it is to think there is somewhere more safe than in our arms, Heaven has no hurt, no pain, no negative...there can't be any safer place than that-although to believe that some days is MUCH harder than others. I am glad you are moving in the right direction, and if tomorrow you feel like you take two steps back, that is okay, it is still part of the growing. Kenzie will always feel your love, it will only continue to grow for her as you experience more life and love, but she does want to see that love be filled with joy, and not the missing, the pain, etc.. Although that is a natural part of this too, she is hoping to see that part lessen and the love and joy come back into your life even more full because of the lessons she has taught and will teach you. thinking of you always, sending you my love and hugs, Em

Ashley Sullenger said...

I hate the situation we're both in. But after reading your post I realized once again it's all about learning the things we need to. I promise if you let Him, some days He'll make it a little easier. Thanks for helping me today.

TMI Tara said...

Love the song. I pray you will feel that you are being held when you need it most. Love you

Amy said...

I LOVE this song! I remember there was one day after we had lost our baby I went walking and listened to the song on my ipod and it just resonated somewhere very deeply in my soul! I love that she says at the beginning its not fair! She is honest but then she recognizes the help of God. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

I don't know if you got my email a while back but I'm also a designer at Designer Blogs. I'm would LOVE to do a blog design for you in honor of Kenzie if you'd like. Free of charge of course. Email me if you are interested... amy@designerblogs.com

Amy said...

oh oh oh! I forgot to tell you about this song I just found the other day, its sooo beautiful and applies to all those angels who are gone so soon! It sounds like you love music just like I do and I'm sure you will love it!

I can't find it anywhere on the internet so the only way I can share it is through this video I made of photos of our baby we lost. If you'd like to hear it you can here:

http://bloom-where-planted.blogspot.com/2010/10/little-angel.html

lis said...

i am a new reader and i wanted to say hello and tell you what a beautiful post this is. no one should ever know your kind of pain. i am glad that you have faith to cling to, and im glad that it comforts you. your daughter was breathtakingly beautiful and im so glad you got to meet her and love and hold and kiss her, and im so sorry she was sick and you all had to let go. we should never have to see our children die. i know because i saw mine die too. my daughters were born too soon at 20 weeks and they were simply too small for this world. i sometimes think i got off easy because i didn't know them long enough to know the weight of them in my arms, or how they liked to sleep at night, or how much happier they could have made me than for the ten seconds i got to see them alive. im so, so deeply sorry for your pain and im glad you are able to let some of it out here. that is important. just know that i will be reading along and sending you strength and peace.
xoxo
lis

Anonymous said...

The pain, the brokenness, the hurt you have, its normal. You are right, God does have a reason for all of this, no matter how much it doesnt make sense to you, eventually it will. You are ok to be mad, God is going to stick with you anyways. He isnt going to leave you or forsake you, He loves you. I truly believe you little one is dancing in Heaven with Jesus... and by believing in Him, you will be there one day as well. God bless you and your family... keep on making a difference, in your daughter's name.

Praying for you,
Lisa

Anonymous said...

I wish you did not have to go through this pain and heartache. It is hard to explain why we have trials but I know it helps us grow and in the process become the person our Heavenly Father wants us to become. My favorite scripture (D & C 84): "....., for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." Kenzie is one of those angels. She is always there to help you bear your trials. She jumps for joy when you have a smile on your face. She giggles and laughs when she reaches out to touch one of the balloons you send to her. Keep going, Kendra. I pray every day you find the type of peace that can only come through faith and trust in our Savior Jesus Christ. He loves you and has not forgotten you. I love and admire you so very much. Your Aunt Mary

brigette said...

So beautifully said Kendra.... I to need to remember these things. Its hard sometimes but your right someones got to be holding us. Your amazing!! Much love

Tanya said...

your spirit is humbling.

Jenni said...

What a sweet post Kendra, and an amazing song. I hope and pray that, through Christ, you will be healed as much as you can be in this life...until you meet your precious baby girl again!!!

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