Sunday, October 3, 2010

daughters eyes

There is a sinking feeling. I don't know what happened. What changed these last few days? Why the hell cant I breathe. The needing is extreme. I don't want to see anyone. I still do. I don't want to do anything. I still do. Because I have to. I'm making myself. I cringe the whole time. Wanting to run. I cant look at those pictures. But I do. Because I need to see her. Oh how I miss her. Missing everything. Missing those eyes. God how I miss those eyes. I cant close my eyes. I see her. I want to scream. I cant relax. Its late. I'm so tierd. Stay up till I just pass out. I'm tight. I'm tense. I keep squeezing my hands. I go in there, her place. I try to stay out. I cant. I am in there before I even think about it. Those same songs keep playing in my head. Above the noise of everyone. Above the other music. Above my thoughts. Wanting to wake up. Still not real. Still cant be true. Needing to get out. Never look back. I have a husband. A family. Need to be strong. Need to live. Need to be here. How. I cant figure it out. I'm trying. I'm praying. I'm looking for the peace. I have seen it. Why the hell cant I now. Its not impossible. I know its there. Just come. What am I doing different, what am I pushing out. I don't know. Maybe its simple. I miss. I ache. She isn't here. Grief will continue for the rest of my life. Tears will never dry up. The hurt will never go. She is in heaven. She is with God. She is with my sister. She is with her great grandparents. She isn't with me. Not physically. She is okay. But I am here. In this world. Unable to see, feel, touch, hear. Unable to wrap my head around this reality. Unable to understand. Need to sleep. Need to wake up different. Need to be okay. Just okay. The tears are to heavy. My shirt is wet. My makeup is gone. I cant speak. I cant think. Not anymore tonight. Going to sleep. Trying not to think about what I'm thinking. Cant help but hear that cry, in the back of my head. It wont stop. Those eyes wont leave my mind. Wanting. Needing. Heavy. Hurt. Pain. Cant. Don't.
Ill keep praying. It will get better. She is okay. She is happy. She is playing. She is loved.

6 comments :

Emma said...

Kendra,
I can't even imagine what the weight feels like, how exhausting the missing her truly is, but once again the light will come. I wish I could say when/how/why this happens but it will come again, she will help you to find it. Loving, praying, sending strength...hugs, Em

Shawna said...

Kendra,

I'm so sorry you are having some rough days. I'm praying they get better and hoping you are still waking up and dancing with Kenzie. Love you!

Amie said...

Kendra, you are going to have these kinds of days. You will always have MRW in your heart. You will always see her. She will always be with you. Please remember that it is OKAY for you to lose it. It is okay to completely fall apart. Make sure you turn to your hubby and your family for support. Not many people can understand what you are going thru. I do. It has been 15yrs for me and my little guy is still in my heart. Just know that your days will get better, they will get brighter. You are doing AMAZING things for SMARD. You have given SMARD a face...a beautiful little sweet face. This face is MRW! You ARE an amazing mom and she is so lucky to have a mom like you. Keep doing what you are doing...you are in inspiration to so many.

butterflymom said...

Hang in there, hun. Take care of yourself...and remember to be gentle with your heart. This is not easy, Kendra. It never will be. Hugs to you and Mackenzie.

kmk said...

drop to your knees and pray for comfort during these times kendra pray to know she is ok to know she loves you and is so proud of you. The lord is the one that will help you if you will let him. Your incredible!

Anonymous said...

You're not doing anything wrong Kendra, the "stages" of mourning don't come in any particular order and once your reach one "stage" it doesn't mean you dont go back. Freewriting it so wonderful. Get it out there. Miss her. Mourn your loss. Love her. Cry. Hurt. Feel anger. Feel helplessness. FEEL. Because this is HER.

The next hill on your journey will be different than this one. Because you dont have a choice but to continue to travel just know she is there with you while you travel. While you ache. While you scream and cry. Feel. Then your emotions will change, you will laugh and miss her with joyful memories and you won't ache that day. But it changes every day. Just continue to feel and stay aware of how you feel.

Because that connects you to what was real.

You are loved.

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