I put them in a file- not on the desktop.
That's where they have called home for most of the past 22 months. But I started to watch them... To much... So I put them in a file. I say to much only because watching them isn't a good thing for me right now. It has been one of the worst things I can do. I don't see the good and the amazing life I had with her. All I see is the signs I wish I would have seen then. I see her body. Her lack of movement. Her breathing. The way her hands were curling. The loss of strength. The weight dropping.
I want to scream when I watch these.
Why the hell didn't I see it. Why didn't I help more. How did I let her hurt for so long?
When I start 1 video, I usually don't stop until I have seen them all.
Last night I was laying on the ground.
Ryan came and laid down by me after he heard the first video and knew exactly what I was watching.
We laid there. There was maybe 3 videos I watched the whole way through.
I had to turn them off.
I stopped breathing.
I almost screamed.
I almost threw the computer across the room.
We are so angry.
We couldn't watch them all.
We ended with the very last video we have of her.
I was holding her and it was minutes before our parents came in the room the day she passed.
To see her awake. Looking at me. To see me kissing her.
I. Literally. Want. To. Die
I would give anything. ANYTHING. To feel that girl again. To kiss her. To touch her face. To hold her little body. To take that pain away. To give her the life she deserved. To not ask her to work so hard.
I miss my daughter.
and it still feels like there are days where they are harder than any other day.
Ryan and I cried ourselves to sleep. again. for the millionth time.
We woke up with headaches and knew what our day would be like.
We only talked once and it was to give each other instructions for what needed to be done that day.
I kept the blinds closed at home and completed nothing on my to do list.
He did what he does best and worked his butt off but kept her in the back of his head.
Then he came home. and the anger unleashed on each other.
What we hold in. To try and not take it out of the rest of the world. Total strangers. We took out on each other. This time it didn't last more than half an argument before we both lost it.
The hurt was greater than any anger we felt.
We were driving.
I wish we would have kept going and never stopped.
To run away with Ryan and find our way to heaven would have been my idea of a perfect day.
We came home.
We said all the usual inappropriate, rude, mean, harsh things we say when we are this angry. Not to each other but about the rest of the world and how unfair this whole thing is. You know sometimes you have to do that. We keep it between each other and eventually talk each other down, back to reality. Its necessary though. We miss her so much. We want to hold her and kiss her and take away all her pain.
I hate to see what her life was.
I pray she could see how incredibly in love we were with her.
I hope we took away some of the hurt.
I dream of our life. The life I see when I close my eyes. A life like the one we had--- minus SMARD.
I hate that disease. I hate what it did to my baby. I hate that Ryan and I are infected with it. I hate that we cant protect our children from ourselves.
I hope you heard our prayers. I hope you can feel how much we love you. How much we miss you. There are absolutely no words.
Love seems inadequate. Its more than LOVE. There is no word to explain it. What we feel for you is unreal. Its out of this world. Not many get to feel this magnitude of love for someone and we feel beyond blessed to have it.
Miss, doesn't even begin to describe this hurt. The ache. This constant. Heavy. Weight. You are our life. Without you there are more days than not that it just seems we cant keep going. That we cant do this anymore without you. That we cant live this way any longer. That we will give up everything to just be with you. Makenzie- you are the absolute best thing we ever did. You are the reason we know of Love. What we felt before you was nothing compared to what we feel now. Not only for you but for each other. You have given us the greatest of any gift. You. The strength you had is one we strive to gain.
To be like you. We are living everyday to achieve that goal.
We love you. We miss you.
Please dream with us.
We need you.