Monday, October 10, 2011

Stuck... Confused.

For the past couple weeks I have felt absolutely sick coming into my blog.
Not knowing what to write. How to write. What to say.
I have so much I want to get off my chest. So much I want to say.
I have been struggling.
It seems like in every area of life.
To top it off I developed this incredible fear of what others think of me.
That has made it so I don't want to talk to anyone.
Not friends. Not family. Not this blog.
I try to put on a face. Some see through it. Others don't.
I have been sad.
Beyond sad. Deeply depressed.
Its still here. Every single day.
I have never had such a hard time getting out of bed.
Not even after Makenzie died.
I felt at that time I HAD to get up.
I don't feel that now.
I feel I could disappear.
Stop going. Stop breathing. Stop doing.
and it wouldn't matter.
I don't want to feel like this. I have tried to change. I have tried to get help. I am getting help.
I am just not sure exactly what to do.
I have written several posts over the past few months but especially these last few weeks. I delete them all. I wrote one last night. I had a bad night. A breaking. Hitting a wall.
I wrote to get it out and help. It didn't help. I went to sleep and didn't want to wake up. When I woke up I made myself go back to sleep. I couldn't get out of bed. I made myself. The day was half over and my husband was ready to get home from work soon. That's how long I waited. Its been a very long time since I have done that. There is so much going through my head. So much pressure from the outside world but even more pressure from myself. I expect something. I demand something. Then it doesn't happen and I beat myself up. For a long time.  I keep thinking of what my life should be right now. What I should be doing. The fantasy of what life should be is gone. I have to get through that fantasy. Understand there was nor will there ever be a fantasy of life.  Nothing will ever go as planned and nothing will ever work out perfectly.  I will forever learn, grow and develop. This is not the last of what life has to throw at us.
Our world seems to be so confusing. So up in the air. Standing still. Waiting.
I just don't know what I am waiting for.

There are so many things that are weighing on my mind.
So many things I just don't feel comfortable talking about on here or with anyone.
I don't want to talk. I don't want to figure stuff out. Mainly because I don't even know where to start. I don't know what to say. I have gone through everything over and over in my head and I have said everything that needs to be said. There is nothing left to say. I don't need advice. I cant do anything else. There is no option to change things right now. We are doing everything we can. But its not enough. We are moving backward.

I hate crying. I have been crying to much lately. There isn't really a specific reason. I am just sad.
I want to be happy. I want to be strong. But strength has not been my friend lately.
I need to find it again.
I was so strong.
Right now. I am guilty of feeling sorry for myself. and I'm trying not to care. I think everyone needs to feel sorry for themselves every so often. I wont let myself stay this way for long. and I know others will be annoyed or have their own opinion on me feeling this way but I cant care. Not now. I cant keep caring what others think of me. No one knows me. No one knows every detail of my life. Other than my husband. and I will listen to him. If he tells me to get over it- I most likely will. But he is in a similar place as me. He is obviously not as bad off. He is the strong one. But its just hard. It hurts. What we want we cant have. What we thought would happen has not. We are getting over the life we imagined we would live and trying to live the life we are given now. Its not a horrible life. Just different. We see the good. We see our blessings. But that doesn't mean we cant have these days/weeks or even months.
Its not just Makenzie.
Its not just Gracie.
Its not just trying for another baby.
Its not just money or school or a career.
Its all of that and more.
Its things we have lost lately. Its things that have changed.

For everyone else there is a timeline on certain things in life.
For you--- It has been almost 2 years since our daughter died.
For us--- Our daughter died. Period. There is no timeline. It doesn't matter if it was yesterday or 10 years ago.  For those who have lost they understand this. Its frustrating. This damn timeline. It makes it so people think you should be in a different place than you are. Sadder if it was more recent, more "moved on" if it was longer ago. You should be doing this or that with your life. I hate it. I hate these people. If you are one of these people you should go sit on a nail. You don't get it. Stop making me feel I shouldn't still be sad. Stop telling me I should be more accepting. Stop telling me I shouldn't feel this way.
You don't get it. I can feel however I want. I can be as sad as I want for as long as I want.
and for you to sit here and judge me. about anything in my life. screw you.

I hate when people judge. You have no idea what someone else is going through. More than anything I have learned to be less judging.  What I think I would do doesn't mean anything. What I think is hard doesn't mean its hard for everyone. What I think is easy doesn't mean its easy for everyone.  What is right for me isn't right for another. I hate that people thing we all need to act and believe the same as someone else.  We could have walked similar paths but they are not the same.  We make different decisions and we have different outcomes. We are all here struggling to get through life. No one has it "easy".

My brain is all over the place. I am done crying for the day and I need to go to bed.
My husband needs me to cuddle him.

36 comments :

Alex and Sarah said...

Kendra, I seriously wish I could give you a hug. You are on a precipice right now not knowing which direction your life will unfold. Hang in there and I'm thinking and praying for you guys.

Your journey means YOUR journey, no one has the right to judge YOUR decisions, YOUR outcomes, YOUR emotions, and YOUR struggles.

Lindsay said...

I ran into your blog a few weeks ago, and I think you're amazing. You don't have to be strong for anyone. You can feel what you need to feel and it's okay. :) I think you are both amazing. Thanks for letting me peek into your life. I'm excited to order one of these cookbooks!

bows and more said...

Hi Kendra, I am a stranger.( hope to be a friend) Can I tell you that I think you are an amazing authentic woman! I love you! I love that you are real and honest, the world needs more people like you in it! I have been following/stalking your blog for a while now but have never commented. I guess because I don't know how you feel and I would never in a million years even try to pretend that I would even come close to understanding your pain! You have every right in my book to have every single emotion that you wrote about here! And then some! I wish that I could do something even as a stranger to help you through this. I have prayed for you! A perfect stranger has prayed for you! And I will pray for you tonight as I can tell you could use an extra prayer or two tonight! I know that people love you as you are a lovable person! Let people love you! Let people serve you and hold you up through this! No matter how long if its your whole life through! No one can get through hard times alone! And even complete strangers are willing to help in anyway they can! I am buying a cook book too and will do anything else I can to help you through. Thank you for being honest and real and leting out your true and honest feelings! I think that only when we let the bad out we can make room for good! I hope and pray that the sun can come out a little brighter tomorrow and that you will find your way out of your covers! Just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you! A complete stranger who you have touched! Take care! And if you can remember to try and laugh!It can help! If anything can help shift sadness and anger it is humor! For me anyway! Take care of yourself! P.S. Here is a quote I made up that made me think of your thoughts today! "Others may have say they have walked in your shoes, but you are the only one who has walked in your feet!" ((HUGS)) Lots of Love, Kelsi

Ashli Mendon said...

Kendra,

I to have been stalking your blog for the last few weeks because I have a friend that came across your blog awhile back and has been telling me about you. I can't imagine what you have gone through and it kills me seeing your pain! Your blog has helped me so much to realize life is to short and to cherish everything and everyone that is in it. Your words, your tears, and your stories about Makenzie make me think of my twins and how I need to treat this moment, day, night as if it was their last.
I just need you to know that your blog is where you NEED to express how you feel(like you do) and if you are sad, tell us; if you are angry, tell us; if you had a fun time with your family/friends, tell us! This is about you and your family, no one else! Don't let others get to you because they think you need to "move on." They don't know what you have and are going through. Everyone handles pain/grief differently..
SIDE NOTE: I love how many activities you do with your family! (makes me jealous) Also I love seeing pictures of Ms. O and her mom because she went to the preschool I worked at last year for a few years! Love her PERSONALITY!! :)
Just know I cherish everything you blog about and HOPE I can meet you some day because you have been a blessing in my life in just these short weeks of reading about your life. Thank you!!!

Ashli Mendon

Jackie Koll said...

My heart just breaks for you. I think that people judge because they don't know or their lives are in such a place that by judging others, they make themselves feel better. I've learned so much from both you and Ashley over the last year - it has changed my perspective and how I talk to other people. I've also learned from things going on in my own life that until you walk in someone elses shoes; until you walk that path, you have no idea what it feels like or what you have to do to survive. I will continue to pray for you!

Michelle said...

This breaks my heart. I won't even try to say I know how you feel, because I don't. But I do know that if I lost my daughter, I would never move on. I would never get out of bed. ever. You have so much strength. More than you know. So some days it's ok to not get out of bed. I am so sorry you're hurting. I can't imagine the hurt in your heart. I am praying for you and your husband. And your future children, which ever way the come into your lives.

Satterlees said...

I totally hear you and agree about the judging. I used to write on my blog such in detail events/thoughts that would occur, and I would get the worst responses back. A part of that not writing like that anymore is from growing up, the other is the fear of the unknown person who loves to hate. I say keep writing, for every person out there that has an opinion, you have touched so many others.

Jennifer Paige said...

Know what I think of you? I think you are amazing and strong. I'm sorry people judge you. Aren't we taught as children to NOT judge? I don't "get" how you feel, but I think of you and your family often. I read your blog whenever it's updated. I hope you know, and realize, just how many people you have touched <3

Sam said...

I am also a blog stalker. I appreciate you letting us all in to your lives. I read many blogs like yours and I see that people are mean, hurtful and judgemental. This is YOUR blog. this is YOUR space. this is YOUR life. If they dont like it they do not have to read it. I dont get where people get off on leaving rude comments and emails. I like the saying left above.. "you have no idea what someone is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes. Even after you walk a mile in their shoes, you are still a mile behind them." Keep doing what you are doing. Feel free to express yourself. There are people out there who care about you and think of you often, even though they dont know you. Dont let that one (or 20, or 50) bad person/people ruin it for the rest of us. I would never want to go through what you are going through but your life it teaching us all to love, live, laugh, enjoy the moment, care, cry, embrace and so much more. To those that are rude and ignorant: Karma is a beast. It will get you. You cannot out run it. Keep your bad attitudes to yourself. Thank you Kendra for letting us in to your life!!!!

Sam said...

I am also a blog stalker. I appreciate you letting us all in to your lives. I read many blogs like yours and I see that people are mean, hurtful and judgemental. This is YOUR blog. this is YOUR space. this is YOUR life. If they dont like it they do not have to read it. I dont get where people get off on leaving rude comments and emails. I like the saying left above.. "you have no idea what someone is going through until you walk a mile in their shoes. Even after you walk a mile in their shoes, you are still a mile behind them." Keep doing what you are doing. Feel free to express yourself. There are people out there who care about you and think of you often, even though they dont know you. Dont let that one (or 20, or 50) bad person/people ruin it for the rest of us. I would never want to go through what you are going through but your life it teaching us all to love, live, laugh, enjoy the moment, care, cry, embrace and so much more. To those that are rude and ignorant: Karma is a beast. It will get you. You cannot out run it. Keep your bad attitudes to yourself. Thank you Kendra for letting us in to your life!!!!

Kristin and Jay said...

Kendra, I love you! I don't know you and I love you! I love your honesty. Not many people have that anymore. You are amazing. Period. No one will ever know how you are feeling. Even if they have gone through a similar situation because everyon has different emotions, ways of handling things. I recently lost my brother in law to cancer. What I have witnessed in my sister, 2 nephews and niece as they go through the horrible process of grieving is it comes in waves. Kind of like they are walking through a maze. They get going without any problems making twists and turns and then bam....they hit a wall. The thought that people would think you should be "over" it, makes me disgusted. It just shows pure ignorance on their part. You will never be "over" it. It will be a part of who you are forever. How could you ever get over not having your child with you whether they pass at a young age, or when they are 60!! Do these people have children?!!!! UGH, i hurt for you that people cann be so cruel. Kendra, you are an amazing person, and amazing wife, an amazing mother, and everything in between. Thank you for your honesty, and thank you for helping me want to be a person ,like you ,when I read your blog. Thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

Kendra my dear, let me just say you are one of the most AMAZING people I have ever met! I just love you to pieces... You and Ryan are always in our thoughts and prayers not a day goes by we don’t think of you guys. You have such a caring personality and have touched so many people in so many ways. You take and have as many down days as you need through life, don’t let anyone tell you different. If you need to scream, cry pull your hair do whatever you need to do, do it! No one has a right to judge you for anything!!.. I truly feel you will be blessed beyond measure whether in this life of the next for all that you have endured in your life & you still have the strength to get up and live life when so many wouldn’t. I love ya hun! And pray for you always... If you ever need anything let me know, in the mean time I will be doing what I know I can do to help and that’s send prayers and hugs your way!
Love Katrina

Anonymous said...

You dont know me, and I dont know you. And maybe one day our paths will cross but for the time being I am just one of your blog stalkers...(Im not a creeper) I have read some of your blog post, you make my heart ache for you...Dont let people get to you, I know its easier said then done but remember words are cheap they have no value...If you need to cry every single day go for it, if it gets you to the next day go for it...There is not a timeline as to when you need to get over the feelings you are feeling...My grandmother lost her daughter when her daughter was 15 years old,to the day she passed away herself at the age of 87 she could cry honest sad painful tears for her daughter she had lost over 50 years ago...My grandmother always said days go by months fly by and years pass by us but the pain never goes by it only gets more bearable...You do what you have to do...Your a strong girl...You will be in our prayers and thoughts...

Toni said...

There is no timeline on grief or when you’re going to be "over this" and moving on (there is NO moving on, but learning to move forward). The truth is there are no more same old days to go back to (days before Makenzie), no happy ray of sunshine to look forward to. The depression is hard, it’s one of the darkest clouds that can come on anyone, and when it’s a Mom who has lost their child, a child they held in their arms as she took her last breath, its darker then the darkest parts of the sea.. It’s an engulfing feeling that feels like there is no tomorrow. I don’t know all that your facing or all the emotion’s that are racing, not just running, but racing through your mind, but I do understand that there is NO time frame on what the proper amount of time it is to grieve, hate, be angry, scream, cry, be withdrawn, or just have the anguish that happens with losing a child. All I can tell you is that all we have time, so take as much as you need. I hate to tell you this, but any mother that has suffered the loss of losing a child, will tell you that the feelings and emotions you’re having are normal, it sucks, but they are normal. So be gentle on yourself, and let yourself feel…

Maranda said...

I have not gone through the exact same things you have--as you said, everyone is on a different path--but I have also had to deal with some hard things over the past few years. It frustrates me to no end when people act like I should be "over" certain things that have happened, or should be dealing with these things in a different way (the way THEY think is right). How can they know what is right for me or where I should be in terms of dealing with my own feelings and emotions? Is there a handbook for all this that I missed somehow? I think no matter what, there is always going to be someone out there judging us and thinking that they would do things so much better/differently than us...but until they've been in our shoes, they really can't say what they would do. It is easy to say it, it is a whole other thing when you're actually living it. I guess the hard part is not letting those people get to us.

Even if there are days when you don't want to get out of bed or days when you don't want to go on, you are still an amazing and strong person. Don't worry about what other people think (I know, it is easier said than done). I saw something the other day that said "Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." What a good reminder that we don't know every single thing each person is going through, and we shouldn't jump to conclusions and judge them.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sam and Lacey said...

Kendra-

I have been reading your blog for awhile. I am sitting here with tears running down my face. Today is my twin daughter's 4th birthday. We lost Ella in the womb and Ava lived for 6 weeks in the NICU. I can't pick myself up today. It has been rough. I don't want to do anything. I feel like people have forgotten and moved on and that they feel like I should too. I can't! I just can't! Thanks for your post. It made me feel better. Your daughter is beautiful. So are you!!! Hang in there. My blog is private but if you want an invite you are welcome to. Email me at laceytorgerson@yahoo.com

Simply Shannon said...

I didn't read every word you typed because I stopped to pray. Everything you feel is "right" when you're so overwhelmed by life you can't get out of bed, or talk, or write, or feel. There is no timeline for grief and I feel there are many more stages than the 5 that are written about so often. Praying that you feel God's presence. Praying that you accept yourself just as you are. Praying that you'll be able to forgive (or at least ignore) people who need to "sit on a nail!"

Brittney said...

I agree with you, I don't why people think and act like we we should all feel or react to experiences the same. Simply put, those people are close minded and ignorant! Unfortunately the world is full of those people. Next time you come across one of those people don't let them win, don't give them the power, don't let them make you doubt or question yourself, or feel angry, confused, or sad. I have found when I pity those people their idiotic comments and actions don't effect me at all because it instantly puts everything into perspective for me of what kind of person they are vs what kind of person I am. I don't even have to say this because you already know, but you are definitely a much better person than they are.

Lea and her Mustangs said...

Your feelings are yours no one else can claim them. We lost our daughter 41 years ago and I still cry for her. Our son died at 43 8 years ago and I dream about him alot. His children still grieve for their daddy. We just muddle along, lots and lots of good days now but not always. Praying for you. Lea

Alesha said...

I have been feeling very similar lately. Hence my last post. I am just sad. I want to be happy to. It is a hard thing to feel a way you dont want to and feel like you dont know how to fix it. You have EVERY right to EVERY emotion you feel, and no one should judge you. I sometimes get caught up in what other people think and have to remind myself, "this is my life and I have to do what feel right for me and my family." I will pray for you. :)

Anonymous said...

Kendra,
You have not only lost McKenzie, but also Gracie and the hope of building your family the way you had planned. These are all major losses. Hang in there!

The Gustafson Family said...

Kendra, I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad. I am also very, very sorry taht you feel judged. It is a horrible place to be. You are correct that our purpose here is not to judge others. We all make decisions to live our lives the best we can, we do what we think is right. No one should judge another. I think that job is best left to God. He knows what is on our hearts. I am praying for peace and strength for you.

Blessings, Jessica

Mrs. Mouse said...

Losing your daughter wasn't just the loss of what you had, it is the ongoing loss of what you would have had each day since then. So each day is a new loss. You lost all the future experiences you should have been able to look forward to. This isn't one loss that you can get over. It's a series of losses that stretch out behind and in front of you. Don't let others make you feel that you should not be feeling this. Mourn your heart out if you need to and all of us strangers who have never walked in your shoes will walk beside them and hold you up as best we can.

Presley & Charlotte Gleason said...

You say it perfect. Screw those who judge. Because of our experience I have learned you can't judge anyone...not one. I feel lucky I got to meet you in person because you really are the sweetest girl and I just think you have an amazing heart! I'm lucky to know you! Though I wish it was not because of these circumstances. Stupid smard. Screw smard too!!!

evsmarie said...

I remember when my fiance died unexpectedly (and heartbreakingly young) someone told me that when THEIR fiance/husband also died unexpectedly it took them 5 years before they felt "normal" again and began dating once again. Five years came and my grief was still raw in so many ways. I wasn't ready. THEIR timeline wasn't MINE. On the five year anniversary of his death I cried for him and cried for myself... because I had thought that maybe, just maybe that person had had some insight into what grieving loved ones needed as far as time to heal. Instead, I gave myself the okay to grieve as long as I needed. No timelines. No limits. It will have been 11 years on the 22nd of this month. I am now married and have my second baby on the way. Am I happy? Of course. Do I still grieve? Of course. Your sweet girl will be in your heart forever. 11 years from now I'm sure that you will still ache. And that's okay - because grief acknowledges no time lines. Therefore - neither should we.

Continued thoughts and prayers for you both!

Amanda said...

To all the HATERS out there: SCREW YOU!!!! The nerve of some people, boggles my mind. This is Kendra's blog, if you don't like it STOP READING! Don't ruin this for all of us Kendra fans, and especially for our precious, amazing, beautiful, intelligent, inspiring Kendra. I love this girl sooooo much and I have no idea who she is! Kendra-sweets you are loved by far more people then you know. You have touched so many lives. You have changed my life so much. I check your blog everytime I notice an update, I am anxious to see what is going on in your life. Thank you for sharing some of your thoughts and feelings with me and all of your fan club!! :) I love you girl. Stay strong and do what you need to do. You are amazing and nothing less...I am always here day or night if you ever want to chat with a total stranger, hit me up! lol!! :)

Amanda said...

P.S. To all the judgemental haters out there, I just want to say two things:

1- SHAME ON YOU!!!!!
2- Have you ever lost a child to the horrible disease called SMARD that took our precious MaKenzie Rye's life? That's what I thought, so shut the hell up!

To Kendra and all those members of the Kendra Fan Club:

My sincere apology for my potty mouth. Hearing about this breaks my heart and fires me up!! Kendra, if you are ever in St. George, hit me up I would LOOOVE the opportunity to meet you. Don't give up, you got this!!!

Rafahi Family said...

Kendra, I have to be honest. I love coming to your blog. I love looking at your beautiful Makenzie! She melts my heart everytime I see her smile and eyes. I am so happy that you do not let others keep you from speaking how you feel. Keep on telling the world, because haters need to know that real people like you have feelings and emotions! I really love that you blog about your real feelings, not some fake front that people want to read about. I hope we cross paths someday. I would love to laugh, cry and share stories with you. :-)

Thank you for being you!

Jeanna said...

Kendra-I hope you get feeling better soon! You have a lot of friends and family and even strangers like me pulling for you and thinking you are pretty cool beans. You've been through a lot and have a lot going on, don't be to hard on yourself.

Kaci Uipi said...

Let me just say that there are a WHOLE LOT of retarded people out there. People say mean things for 2 reasons:

1. They have serious mental problems AND/OR
2. They are miserable with their own life, and want everyone else to be miserable just like them.

I remember this Summer when we had to find a new place to live and I was already struggling with everything, and then the stupid realtor at an apartment that we were sure we were going to get, wrote a mean email saying that he didn't want to rent to us (after he took our money)because "your wife" (ME) is a "perfectionist"... All I did was ask him who would be doing the repairs and if they would be touching up the paint before we moved in. Yeah I felt the same way... screw you for judging me and not wanting to rent to me because I actually want to keep the place clean. Anyway so maybe this is a bad example, but I seriously thought my life could not get any worse, and THEN something else happened... can't even remember now! I should go back and read my journal. Yeah I hate that people think you should be "moved on". I hate the pressure that I give to myself, thinking..."OH man what have I accomplished this past year!?? I only work a few hours a week. I never ended up going to school like I had thought about... I still am not pregnant, and still haven't adopted like I keep talking about. I mean that is not God who is wanting me to feel so BAD about myself.. FOr goodness sake my son died and I found out that I'm a carrier of a disease that not only affects me, but future children, and I need to just take it easy and look at everything I HAVE accomplished this year, like not killing myself yet ha ha. Anyway... I'm going on and on like I always do... but just know that you have a gift to really, truly inspire other people.. I mean HELLO--look at all of your followers! People LOVE you!!! And let me just say that the stupid person who is saying that "letting your baby go" is ANYTHING but honorable, brave, couregous, beautiful, and GOOD, they seriously have serious problems. No one has ever told me things like that before about the tough choice that I made to let Joshua go... but if they ever did... I don't know what I would do... but it probably wouldn't be nice. My little sister sent me a text not long ago that said I need to stop thinking about my own problems and realize that I'm not the only one with problems.. Ohhh was I mad. And that came about because she actually saw me cry and get upset ONE TIME regarding Joshua, when my mom told me that "I don't understand because I'm not a mom"... yeah see, my own mom says things like that to me... Anyway I told my sister that she doesn't even know how much I do for other people and that she has no right to tell me how to grieve, because she has never lost a child before. I know it's so hard to not listen to other people, but just know that there are hundreds of people that love you and think highly of you.
One more thing.. I wish I could do things like you do to remember Makenzie... all those fun days you have with her cousins and food and balloons. I just am too shy and am scared that I would cry infront of people.. I hate crying infront of people!!

Katrina said...

Like some of the others who have commented on this post, I have been reading your blog for several months now and am pretty much obsessed! (JK) :) Every time I read your posts I am either A)crying because I can't imagine what you must really be going through and how hard this must be or B) cheering for you and hoping all of your hopes and dreams come true! You are an amazing mom and person and I hope you can hold tight to that and let what everyone else thinks of you wash away! I think the problem is that it seems like those who have harsh feelings are more likely to speak their mind (sad) than the THOUSANDS of others out there (like me) who think you are incredible! Remember who/what truly matters in life and ignore all of the other garbage!

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to leave you this message that a friend sent to me. "Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." – Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Kendra, I hope everyone who reads your words will remember this - to be kind to you because you, my friend, are fighting the battle of your life. It is a hard battle but we are here to help. Those who cast stones your way may not have had to fight this type of battle but believe me, each of them at some point in their lives will have to make tough decisions, make hard choices, do things that will be so very challenging, but they too will have to do hard things sooner or later. So my point....let's not cast stones at Kendra or Ryan. I find myself wishing them only peace and a way to find joy in their lives again. They are missing their love, their Makenzie, and no one will really know what is in their hearts, even those of us who may have lost our dearest love because we didn't lose Mackenzie--only Kendra and Ryan can understand THAT loss. We lost her too but not in the same way. We miss her too but not in the same way. We love her too but not in the same way. No matter how we try to understand, we can't because she was not our child, not our love, not our life. Everyone, please be kind. Kendra and Ryan need your patience and understanding. Many of you provide so much kindness and support to them, it is quite amazing and I thank you for that. Mary

Rose said...

Oh sweetie, my heart aches. We are praying for you and for peace and comfort to enter your heart! Much love!

Anonymous said...

This statement REALLY struck me.

"For you--- It has been almost 2 years since our daughter died.
For us--- Our daughter died. Period. There is no timeline. "

YES. Poignant and VERY WELL PUT.

I like that at the end of your post you began to get angry at others for telling you how you should feel, how dare they?!

I've said this before and will continue to again and again...

Although there ARE stages to grief, there is NO ORDER or TIMELINE to grief. You do go through different phases of the feelings and emotions, but they come and they go, and they last and they are short, and they are obvious and they are hidden, and they knock you down and they help you get up and they make you angry and they make you happy. they make you sad and they make you giggle. the make you guilty and they make you realistic. they make you fear and they make you carefree. they make you bargain and they make you acceptant.

The one thing I hope you can hold onto and I truly believe that situational depression is not some chemical imbalance. I hate that doctors and people and drug companies are so quick to just fill your body with chemicals and drugs you don't need.

Depression is a natural reaction to a loss, and depression that comes in waves is NORMAL and not some "imbalance" in your brain. No, your life was peaches and sunshine and everything was perfect and then you were handed a shit sandwich and had it forced down your throat!

Although that is life and it SUCKS, it is okay for you to have days where you can't get out of bed. We'd only have to worry Kendra if you had months and months where you couldn't get out of bed.

But it's OKAY, don't feel guilty. You will have those days and they may last for a few days or a week. But gosh Kendra, nobody likes to eat shit sandwiches, so how dare you pretend you enjoyed it when you didn't?

I am praying for you!! It will get better and then it might get really shitty again, but then it will get better again! I promise. Just hold on tight! This is a long road..., and there are plenty more potholes to come.

My advice? When the road is smooth and you have time to pull off, get that car a good tune up, get the bearings checked, the brakes and struts and tire rods and tires.. because when you venture back out again, you're gonna come across more potholes, and contstruction, and bumps and dirt and SHIT but eventually, you'll hit that freshly paved straight path again... and hopefully each time you get to the good parts of the road, they last longer and longer, until the shitty roads are fewer and further between... when you come up on them again... you'll be better equipped to deal with it.

VALIE said...

The pain, the pain... what can be done to alleviate it ?
Don't mind other people's opinions. Your emotions belong to you, and you only.
Sitting here in France, and thinking of you.

Lindsey said...

I am just reading this post and going through your blog.. i have been here before from ashleys but i totally feel for you and the struggles you face on a daily basis! You have the right to feel the way you feel and don't ever worry what others think.. i am sure any decent person would love you for the person you are and take into consideration the trials you are having to face... hope everything continues to go well for yalls future plans :) it always feels good to vent and don't be afraid to share how you really feel.. people will love you for it and understand you better!

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