riding the wave

the trouble with depression is it comes in waves.
sometimes its there other times its not.
the trouble with grief is that it comes in waves.
sometimes its stronger and more present.
the trouble with being a women is your emotions come in waves.
sometimes they are all over the place, other times you're more sane.
--- that explains a lot.
and makes me feel sorry for ryan.
but its the truth.
and unfortunately you cant just "get over it"
any of it.
you have to fall. hit rock bottom. then start to claw your way out.
sometimes it takes longer.
this last low for me, was low.
but im still here and still living.
im clawing my way back.
when you hit those lows its almost impossible to see the good. to see the positive. to see the future.
its hard to understand when you hit this low.
the only thing you can do is hold on. you ride the wave. you crash. you are literally holding on for dear life.
when you're in this. you don't reason. you cant understand.
the only thing you can do is let yourself feel what you feel. the more you fight the longer it lasts.
when you finally throw up your hands and just feel. you are able to ride the wave and move.
if you know someone who goes through this. there is no snapping out of it. there is no "reasoning". you cant expect someone to be realistic. sure you can look for the positive when your not in this wave but when you're in this wave the more you look for the positive the more you are getting sucked into the deep end of this wave.

this might all sound silly. but its true. i wanted to put this into words because its so hard to explain. many of us experience grief. many of us experience women-ness. many of us experience depression.
and its so hard to explain whats happening to our bodies- our minds. and its so hard to understand. you beat yourself up for being "this way".
but in all actuality you really cant change.
you cant get over grief
you cant move your hormones around to stop being so emotional
and you cant just change the chemical imbalance that is depression.
what you can do is be.
so much easier said than done.

if you are like me. you fight it. you don't want to hit the low. i always feel like i have worked so hard to get to where i am now and to just give up and fall means i failed. at least that's what goes through my head.
what im learning...
it doesn't mean i failed. it means im human. it means life isn't easy.

right now. im clawing. this last wave was a big one. and it lasted a while. but when i finally threw up my hands and stopped fighting. i fell hard. but i also was able to start move through it.

does this all make sense? it might sound crazy if you are one of the few who are lucky enough not to deal with any of these 3 things. grief, womanhood or depression. but the rest of us. the majority of us who do deal with 1, 2 or all 3 of these things. maybe this will help others understand us. why we are a little "off". its not our fault. if we could change it we would. if we could get over it we would. but we cant. we have to ride the wave to get to a place we can begin to breathe again.