Wednesday, October 12, 2011

riding the wave

the trouble with depression is it comes in waves.
sometimes its there other times its not.
the trouble with grief is that it comes in waves.
sometimes its stronger and more present.
the trouble with being a women is your emotions come in waves.
sometimes they are all over the place, other times you're more sane.
--- that explains a lot.
and makes me feel sorry for ryan.
but its the truth.
and unfortunately you cant just "get over it"
any of it.
you have to fall. hit rock bottom. then start to claw your way out.
sometimes it takes longer.
this last low for me, was low.
but im still here and still living.
im clawing my way back.
when you hit those lows its almost impossible to see the good. to see the positive. to see the future.
its hard to understand when you hit this low.
the only thing you can do is hold on. you ride the wave. you crash. you are literally holding on for dear life.
when you're in this. you don't reason. you cant understand.
the only thing you can do is let yourself feel what you feel. the more you fight the longer it lasts.
when you finally throw up your hands and just feel. you are able to ride the wave and move.
if you know someone who goes through this. there is no snapping out of it. there is no "reasoning". you cant expect someone to be realistic. sure you can look for the positive when your not in this wave but when you're in this wave the more you look for the positive the more you are getting sucked into the deep end of this wave.

this might all sound silly. but its true. i wanted to put this into words because its so hard to explain. many of us experience grief. many of us experience women-ness. many of us experience depression.
and its so hard to explain whats happening to our bodies- our minds. and its so hard to understand. you beat yourself up for being "this way".
but in all actuality you really cant change.
you cant get over grief
you cant move your hormones around to stop being so emotional
and you cant just change the chemical imbalance that is depression.
what you can do is be.
so much easier said than done.

if you are like me. you fight it. you don't want to hit the low. i always feel like i have worked so hard to get to where i am now and to just give up and fall means i failed. at least that's what goes through my head.
what im learning...
it doesn't mean i failed. it means im human. it means life isn't easy.

right now. im clawing. this last wave was a big one. and it lasted a while. but when i finally threw up my hands and stopped fighting. i fell hard. but i also was able to start move through it.

does this all make sense? it might sound crazy if you are one of the few who are lucky enough not to deal with any of these 3 things. grief, womanhood or depression. but the rest of us. the majority of us who do deal with 1, 2 or all 3 of these things. maybe this will help others understand us. why we are a little "off". its not our fault. if we could change it we would. if we could get over it we would. but we cant. we have to ride the wave to get to a place we can begin to breathe again.

11 comments :

Anonymous said...

Thinking about you today and praying for you to find peace and hope in between your grief and heartache. Those "3" things you speak of can be very trying, very tiring, very difficult and very real. Hope is real too - just keep hanging on, Kendra, and reaching up to others, including God, who want to help you, need to help you. I love you and Ryan. Auntie M

caseyp said...

I hope that writing makes you feel a lil bit better... I personally suffered from depression a few years back.I was delivered. Praise God!. My mother had severe depression for years, so you putting her feelings in writing makes it alot easier to know how she was feeling... I always thought wow she sleeps alot, knowing sleeping was her out, her out to get away from the world everyones opinion of what she was and should be doing or feeling... I mean seriuosly how does someone else tell YOU how to feel? I am me!!!! My mom was a cutter ou though. I remember her cuttng herself over 500 times.. wow what a sight!... Depression sucks and im glad you are clawing your way out!!!! KEEP fighting this horrible demon!! Kick its ASS!!! Daily!!!!!!! Hourly!!!! momently!!!! secondly!!!!!!! I also will continue to pray for you and your family! Rebuke that depression!!

Katy said...

Perfectly said Kendra! I am one of those "lucky" ones that also has to deal with the big three. I feel like you said perfectly what I have been wanting to say for so long! Thank you and keep fighting!

anita said...

Thinking of you.. I couldn't have said it any better....

Emma said...

This is such a powerful post and I know so many of us can relate and you will help so many people be able to understand their thoughts and feelings through it. I agree with you, fighting the pain and feelings just doesn't work, you have to let yourself feel them....no matter how hard, as it is the only way to get through on the other side.
Thinking of you, praying for you and loving you, Em

Jeanna said...

Your feelings are real, they are valid and never let ANYONE make you feel like they aren’t. Feelings aren’t right or wrong they just are. Keep on clawing your way out !

Lindsey said...

I'm not going to give you an advice, just trying to do what any good friend would do...let you know I'm listening. My best friend struggled with fertility and I learned that sometimes you don't want to hear how it's going to all be okay, you just want someone to LISTEN and feel your pain. I feel your pain and it breaks my heart. Hang in there.

Tiff@ny said...

Couldn't have said it any better!!! Thank you for always voicing what so many of us want to say but don't know how! You are amazing! Thinking of you in this hard time!

Jujubee said...

What I love abou you is that you don't sugar coat. Don't need any more sugar coaters. I appreciate that you are a fighter. You're honest. You're vulnerable. And I can relate to 1,2 and 3z. Keep at it girl. I think you are such a breath of fresh air. Your husband is a lucky guy. Much love (even though you don't know me!!)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being strong enough to share.

Anonymous said...

RIDE THE WAVE AND NEVER GIVE UP! STRONG WOMEN LIKE YOURSELF ARE THE ONES THAT PULL UP THE WEAKER. IT WOULD BE DEVASTATING TO KNOW THAT DEPRESSION WERE TO WIN, DON'T LET IT... YOU HAVE AMAZING LOVE TO GIVE, AMAZING STRENGTH TO SHARE AND WISDOM FOR WOMEN WHO WALK YOUR SAME PATH. I TRULY FEEL RIDING THE WAVE YOU ARE SPEAKING OF ENABLES US TO ENJOY THE BEAUTY ON THE OTHER SIDE MORE DEEPLY!!!
HANG IN THERE YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!

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