Gracie

Dear Little Nut.
Or Gracie as I like to call you.
I was certain you were a girl. Then a boy. Then after we lost you I have only been able to call you Gracie. I don't know why. Maybe I needed to call you something to make you real. I haven't told many people about you. Some of our closest family and friends knew you existed. I was to excited to keep it all to myself.  I knew the day I saw those 2 pink lines you were meant to be in our life. You were going to be just like your big sister and change us. You had a reason to come to us. You took us by surprise and from day 1 your Daddy was over the moon. It took me a few more hours-- days to warm up to knowing you were on your way.  I was scared. Beyond scared. I have to compare it to the fear I felt for your sister. Fear for what would be your life. Fear for what I could lose. Again. Fear for what road you would walk- if you ever walked it.  From the start we were seeing doctor after doctor what seemed like every week. We had 4 ultra sounds. We saw you move around 4 times. You were a wiggly little thing. We have 4 sets of pictures. They hang on our fridge. I see you everyday.

I knew from the start there was the risk. Your Daddy and I weren't certain yet because we hadn't been tested but most likely we both carried an ugly disease. A messed up gene that took your sisters life. I would tell myself every single day that I couldn't get my hopes up. I couldn't think life would be one way because we just didn't know.  We planned to have you tested. To know what life we would get with you. Would we be able to raise you? Would we be able to plan anything past your first birthday? I remember going to baby stores--- because lets face it-- I like to torture myself.  Going there was actual torture. To see all those things. Those things I wanted to buy for you. Things that made me smile. Things that I pictured you having. I remember so clearly looking at this little boy shirt (This is when I switched and thought you were a boy) It was 18 months. I lost it. Right there in the store. People stared. I almost started screaming but held my face and ran out of the store. I couldn't even breathe. I sat in my car and just wailed. The thought that you might not ever get to wear that, that you might not ever make it to that age. That I would have to bury you next to your sister. That I might have to live through that again. That I might have to say goodbye. I couldn't comprehend it.
I was never able to connect with Makenzie when I was pregnant with her.  I knew I loved her but my God I was worried I would love Harley more than I would love her right before I gave birth.
Oh how I have learned.
With you. I already was head over heels in love. This was the time I could keep you safe. I could hold you. Take you everywhere and never have to worry about you hurting. I connected with you.

We got the testing done July 19th.  The day after Makenzie birthday.
It hurt.
All I could do was lay there and pray.
I begged.
Pleaded with God to keep you safe and healthy.
I watched the ultra sound screen the whole time. Stared at you- jumping. You looked big but I know you were like and inch. I was only 12 weeks.
It didn't last long but there were several other tests to be done.
We were there for a few hours.
Your Daddy and I got tested at the same time. Since we have never done that (too expensive) we figured we better do it now to ensure Makenzie's disease wasn't some fluke thing and we did in fact both carry this mutation.
I got poked 3 different times that day so I was not sympathetic of your Dad getting poked once. I tried to feel sorry for him.

Over the next few weeks all I could do was pray.  Pray that God would keep you safe.
We were told the test would take 4 weeks to get any results.
I guess they got a really good sample because on July 29th I got the call.
It was mid morning. I was having a rough day anyway for other reasons. I didn't recognize the number but answered it still.  It was the Genetic Specialist. She didn't say much before she said they got the results back and it was positive.
I had about a million things running through my mind all at once. I remember feeling speechless, confused, in disbelief and about a million other emotions all within 10 seconds. The last time I felt like that was when we I was sitting in that blue recliner. Ryan was at work. I sat there and heard them tell me Makenzie's diaphragm was paralyzed. That she most likely had a disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy with Respiratory Distress.  I felt like a horrible mother because I couldn't even cry. It was surreal. This couldn't be my life.
That is exactly how I felt again on July 29th. Hearing about you. I couldn't even spit out a freaking word. I fell back into the couch cupped my hand over my mouth and felt limp.
I kept asking- are you sure... are you sure..
All i kept hearing was we are sure.... You and Ryan also tested positive as carriers.
It was like everything stopped again.
How could this happen again?
This wasn't happening.
God wouldn't do this to us again.
There is no way we could have another child who is sick.
I don't even remember hanging up the phone.
I sat there.
I didn't know if I should call Ryan who was at work.
Should I tell him this over the phone?
Who should I talk to?
Should I tell anyone?
I laid down and just cried. I clung to my belly. I just begged God once again to not let this be real. That this was not happening. That this was a mistake and I could keep this baby.
I imagined your life leaving me.

Oh Gracie... I love you so much. I wanted you so much. I ached knowing you might have to live the life your sister lead. What scared me the most is that knowing I would not have you for long- Would that make me a better or a worse Mom to you. I just didn't know.

I finally called Ryan. I couldn't breathe. He had no idea what had just happened and was assuming the worst. I finally spit it out. We both sat there. We couldn't say anything. There was nothing to say.  As much as we knew this could happen- we were convinced it wouldn't. We felt this was our chance to have another start. To have another child. To give Makenzie a little brother or sister.
Even after losing it all- we still wouldn't believe it could happen again.

Ryan was suppose to go to the cabin that weekend but canceled his plans.
We stayed home.
We cried.
We tried to understand.
We wanted so much to give you a good life. For you to know we love you. For you to know we needed you. We would hold you close. No matter how long you gave us. You alone would give us the world. All we would ever need.

Your sister needed you more

We lost you Gracie on August 4th.
14 weeks and 3 days.

I have tried to understand. I have tried to make sense of everything. The thing we want most in this world is just impossible. How could this happen again. How could God make our second child sick as well. How could we now have lost 2 children?

I never thought I would feel to hurt by something I never physically had. I hurt. Because I never got to hold you, kiss you, love on you, feel you or look into your eyes.

Please know my girls-- please know how much I love you. How much I wanted each of you. How much I dream and wished for you. Please know you are my life. You are part of me. I pray you are both loving life in heaven. Together. I cant wait to hold you both. Someday.

It was almost immediate Ryan and I felt we couldn't give up on expanding our family.
It was very clear to us we were not meant to have a child through our own pregnancy. To have both our children have this "rare" disease meant it was no longer "rare" in our household.
Not only that but we have both felt very strongly that we are suppose to expand our family in a totally different way.  I am not even sure if we are on the right track with adoption. But it feels right. So that's where we will go.  I have a feeling there is something more. That we have a purpose. That those 2 girls came into our lives for a reason. The bodies they had, the spirits they carried were meant to be. They changed us. They are making us better people and better parents.