Saturday, September 3, 2011

Letting Go

So much of life is planned. 
At least for me. After Makenzie got sick our plans all seemed to fall through the cracks and we have never been able to pick up the pieces since. We start to get on track and something else happens. Someday Ill talk about some of the things that have happened. I guess I'm just not ready. Shocking but there are things that have happened in life that I haven't shared on this blog (gasp). The most recent one... Has been the worst. It hurts the most and it is one that, like Makenzie- will be around for the rest of our lives. 
I so badly want to get a plan back on track. To plan our future! To plan a family! To even plan a mother freakin trip! Everything seems to be so if-y... so up in the air... just one big waiting game... 
I am to controlling to be okay with this.

We are trying to figure out if we should move. I want to move. I want to sell this place but no one has come through it in over 2 months. Its a good place. Its plenty big enough for us. but I want to be closer to Ryans work. I want to be closer to school and I wouldn't mind being in a house instead of a condo. but with us starting in on adoption depending on the exact path we go-- there are rules surrounding your home. We are trying to figure out if we should stay in this place since we are prepared here. Or should we continue trying to sell and move. I have no idea. 

I was signed up for summer and fall classes. I was going to go full time. But life happened. Things changed and I had to take both semesters off. I want to start again in the Spring but not sure if we can come up with the money.  I know there are student loans but I have always said I don't want student loans for my undergraduate.  I know its important for me to go to school. Not only to find a career that can help support my family but so any children we have will have the example of what we want for them.  

We have always said we wanted 3 kids. I said I never wanted less than 3 and Ryan never wanted more than 3 so... 3 was our perfect number. We would start with Makenzie and we would welcome the next healthy child into our home about every 3 years. That means we should be trying for baby #2 now with a crazy 2 year old running amok in this house. The plan was simple. We would "Try" and it would happen.  I laugh at my dump naive self.
We have come to accept (most days) that we cant get pregnant with a healthy child. 
We want children. We want a family. But how many will we have? Could we only have 1 more? Could we have no more?  Could we live the rest of our lives with just the 2 of us? 

.....these are just a couple of the big things that consume my mind. Every second. 
Trying to plan the un-plan-able. 
There is no planning this. I have to learn to sit back and stop thinking. Or at least stop trying to control the future. I have learned the hard way I have very little control on anything in life.  but even having been through that it doesn't stop me from trying to control it still. 

I found this quote
Its perfect for me
Its perfect for everyone


I wish it was as easy to do it as it is to read it. 
I know there is a plan waiting for me. Waiting for Ryan and I. Waiting for Ryan, Makenzie and I.
I cant keep thinking I am greater than what is already laid out for us. I cant control it all.
I cant control if Ryan is safe all the time. 
I cant control how many children God will give us.
I cant control the life I will share with my child.

There isn't a guarantee that says if we adopt a child we will get to raise that child. There are millions of things that can happen. Having now crossed over to this side. This horribly dark, lonely, scary as hell side-- It doesn't make it any easier to think it could happen again. It makes it worse. Because now I really really get it. I really really have felt that hurt. That unbelievable hurt. A hurt that you could never describe.  A hurt that you could never even fathom unless you walk it.
I am praying that in God's plan.  The sun comes out more. That even if there are rainy days. That he never gives me a day like December 13th ever again. 
But I am learning I have to let go of my plans---- he is in control.


15 comments :

Anonymous said...

I have followed your blog for a while now, never commented. I have tears just streaming down my face. The emotion in what you write is so honest and beautiful.

I am a single mom doing so much on my own and when I am overwhelmed and looking at my kids like they are such a burden, I think of you and how much you would give anything to see your baby throw a tantrum and it breaks my heart... and humbles me.

I pray for you, Ryan, and Makenzie often.

Alex and Sarah said...

Kendra, I've never commented before but have followed your blog for quite some time. It's so hard when you feel out of control of something that should be easy, when to have kids. I thought that way too.

My husband and I suffer with infertility and have absolutely no say on how many or when children will join our family. We have been blessed once through adoption and hope to again in the future but who knows. Adoption is a very different path but incredible. I'll continue to pray for your family.

Jessica said...

Kendra... I like the others here have read your blog for awhile, but have never commented. I am now. Giving up control to God alone is probably the toughest thing we have to do in this life. I honestly believe that is what God wants from us, and just know he is a loving, kind Father, whose heart breaks along with you with every tear you shed. I will be praying for you and Ryan in this journey you are headed on. You have had so many trials in your life so far, but you are a far deeper and stronger person than most people will ever come to be. Lean on the Lord with every tear, every heartache, and he will provide strength and endurance to keep moving forward. I can't even imagine all that you have gone through, so just know I will pray for you daily! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, struggles and joy in life. I know your blog is read by many and I can only imagine the impact you have on so many lives you don't even know!

Alerie said...

This breaks my heart. I can't even imagine. I will be praying that you and Ryan get the answers your heart needs to know. Thank you again for sharing with us and pouring your heart out. You bring me strength every time I read your blog. I think you and your family are pretty amazing!!

Anonymous said...

I'm also one who plans life, my husband would say I over plan it (which is true, I do admit it sometimes)... even with all my life plannings nothing I have ever planned has happened or has happened in the time frame I wanted it. I know its hard to "give" God the control (doesn't he have it anyways?) Personally, I need to give everything up to him daily (sometimes even hourly). As I have struggled with infertility and thoughts on adoption and trying to plan everything, going to college (even part time for me) is keeping me sane and not planning life as much. I know student loans suck, but for me at least it's helping me not worry about the future so much.

My heart and prayers are with you that you get the answer you need.

Anonymous said...

“Forgetting your past and moving on from it is not one same thing. You can remember your past, but you can still let it go. That means that you will not let your past affect your future.”

Emma said...

Hugs Kendra. I know this past couple of years you have been blessed with the greatest gift you could ever imagine, but also had to deal with the greatest hurt you couldn't even imagine....such different sides of the spectrum but completely related. I hope you are on the path of sunshine. A path that gives you a chance to love deeper once again, to hold another baby in your arms and share the love you and Ryan have with him/her. I feel like this is going to happen, and hopefully sooner than you think!! I know Kenzie is with you, holding you when you need her most and that she has a hand in choosing who will bless your family, her little brother or sister. She will be the most amazing Angel surrounding them!!

Giving up control is never easy, but trusting that God loves us, and will do what we 'need' versus what we want is so hard but so worthwhile. Although we think we know what we need in this life, we don't, and trusting that He does is so scary!! I am praying for you both, for Kenzie always, and for the newest addition that WILL join your family. Until then, keep going, you are amazing!
Hugs, Em

Anonymous said...

Hi Kendra,

Just found your blog not too long ago. First of all-god bless you and your family for your strength and courage. Secondly, I am so hopeful for your adoption plans but wanted to let you know of another option. You may already know this and it may not be a realistic possibility or a desire for you, but I wanted to put it out there. There are invitro fertilization procedures that can screen out abnormalities in embryos and implant healthy ones in you. Don't mean to imply anything against adoption, but if you desire to carry another child that may be a possibility. If not, God Speed on getting the process started on having another little blessing to love!

Silverfaerie said...

I'm a new reader, this is actually the first post I've read so far. It's quite touching and I so wish you could find a way to not feel such pain.

I come from the other end of the spectrum in the adoption scene. I am a birth mother and gave up my youngest son. I was single, not getting any financial help from my older son's father (still don't) and just couldn't see how I could manage to support two. It was simultaneously the hardest, most painful and the smartest decision I've ever made. My son's birth parents have given him everything that I couldn't and loved him no less than I ever have. They are my angels and I will forever be grateful for what they did for my son, and for me.

If you ever need someone to talk to about the whole adoption process, someone from this side of it, please feel free to contact me. I know my son's birth parents went through a lot because they were afraid I'd change my mind, that they'd have to give him back. I don't know why anyone would do that though. When I realized how worried they were, I backed away and let them alone to live their lives, to raise my son as their own. I never forget him, he's in my thoughts and heart every day, but I have never doubted that his life is happy and full of love. I consider myself about as lucky as one can get.

As for not being able to keep to your life plan....it is really your reaction to what happens in your life that keeps you on or off it. Things may not go the way you thought, but if you try (and sometimes it can take years for it to happen) you can often find a silver lining in even the darkest days you've had. Your losses help you appreciate what you have today that much more. It's the most you can do with what often seems like a bad hand dealt to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi, my daughter had bleeding early in her pregnancy and lost the baby. They tried for 3 more years and were told they most likely we never had another pregnancy. They adopted the cutest, sweetest, most intelligent, etc. little baby boy from Korea and could not be happier! That little guys has brought so much joy into all our lives. There is much happiness in adoption!!

A very proud Grandma!

Kaci said...

As more and more days go by, I guess I sometimes forget that we probably need to be thinking about having more kids. Joshua would be turning 1 next month. Every so often I think to myself, "If we tried naturally to have a baby, do you really think God would give us another sick baby??" I will ask my husband the same question, and he sometimes has a different opinion than me, but it always comes down to... "I don't want to have to ever go through what we went through, or even take a chance of having to go through that... it's too risky." I don't know what I would do if I lost ANOTHER child. Of course, I also thought, like you, that if I ever were to lose a child, I, myself, would die. I hope things work out for your adoption process.

Toni said...

Just wanted to send you some ((hugs)). Do NOT let go of your dreams, we just have to learn how to dream our dreams within the boundaries we have in front of us.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog since about 6 months after Kenzie left. I tracked back and I think I've read your entire blog.

I am praying for and excited for you guys that you are preparing for this next step.

I've had one question that I've been hesitant to ask, because it is so very personal. But I can't help but wonder...

I'm sure you and Ryan are taking precautions now, so as not to conceive again, but what if God saw fit for you to get pregnant again. What would be your choice in carrying the pregnancy? Would you test prenatally for SMA/SMARD? (Is that possible)

I know there is a 1-4 chance of your child having it, but also a 3-4 chance of having healthy babies (albeit a 2-4 chance of having babies that carry - but at least if they KNOW they carry, they can do premaritial blood testing of a future partner... just to know in advance)

I know its a LOT to ask, but I just wonder what your heart is in the matter. I've read blogs of families that have had a healthy pregnancy or two or three after an SMA/SMARD pregnancy (or a healthy pregnancy prior to an SMA/SMARD baby) and I've read blogs (like the Colemans that you got to meet little Maggie) that unfortunately both of their blessings were affected (I wonder these same things for them as well, do they plan to try again? Are they prepared for a third time?)

Your families are some of the STRONGEST and most AMAZING families I have ever come across. I don't even try to imagine what you guys have been there and have to deal with. I only pray that I could be as strong if faced with this type of adversity.

I'm just humbly curious, should you choose to answer, what IF you did fall pregnant again...

Alesha said...

This is so me. You often mimic exactly how I feel. I too am SUCH a planner. I remember when I experienced my first miscarriage and was devastated by how it "upset" my plans. Who knew I would now be facing this. It is pretty annoying it cant just go according to plan...I think mine seem pretty good. ;) I just have to hope there is something more and better planned for me and for you! :)

Alesha said...

PS I love that quote, I think I might need to print it off and post it all over my house to remind me. ;)

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