Sunday, September 18, 2011

Choices

I am thankful I live a life that for the most part we have "choices". We are free to say this or that. Do what we want. Believe what we believe. I feel very luck to have this. I know many people all around the world dont get this.
Sometimes I think--- Oh Thank God for choices.. I am far to controling to have someone else make my decsions.
Then there are other times... Like now... Where I just wish someone would make my choice for me because its just too dang hard!

Okay... Right after we lost little Gracie we knew we were supose to continue on with building our family and there was no waiting.  We have felt very strongly about building our family in some way since January. Figuring out how we will welcome the next child into our home.

Its funny how the 1 thing we cant really do is the thing I want to do the most.  That is just trying to get pregnant.  Its so annoying that when we look at the big picture there are several options and I am just being a big baby because I just want to get knocked up--- get fat--- and have a healthy baby.
I am getting closer to just accepting this might not ever happen and that is okay.  God will help us have a family it will just be in a different way.  I need to just get over my issues and accept that.  I have said it before but I know one day I will look my future child in the face and all of this frustration will be sooo worth it.  That any amount of time we wait will be worth it x100 because its this path that will bring us to them.
I have no doubt this will happen... I just wish I knew how the freak to get there!!!!

Okay I am more just writing just to write.
Get my thoughts in order and try to figure things out.
Ill just put all our options on the table so you know a little more about the situation...

- There is adoption... This is the path we have been thinking for the last month but we were going to try to Foster to Adopt.  I was part of the foster system when I was younger and it holds a special place in my heart.  I know what its like and I know how some of these kids are feeling.
Ryan and I started going to the classes and we feel strongly that this path is an amazing path but not sure its right for us right now.  Im not going to go into huge detail but the goal of Foster care is reunification with the birth parents... I am 100% on board with this. I absolutly believe if there is a chance these kids can go home- they should. But that also means we will have these precious, beautiful souls in our homes for an unknown amount of time and the whole time we will be doing everything in our power to get them back home.  If this is the right path for us--- we will absolutly jump on board.  We will do everything we can to help these kids and get them back home.  But that is a whole lot of Ryan and I putting our incredible desire for a family on hold.  Its usually an 8-12+ month process before we could consider adoption if that is ever a possiblity.  Going to these classes Ryan and I have realized this is such an amazing thing and we really want to be apart of this.  We want to help these children- even if its helping show them what a family looks like. A loving home with a Mom and Dad who would do anything for them.  But we are not sure we should be doing this right now.
Along with the adoption path we could go to an adoption agent and try that route.  We have met with 2 agencies and feel this is another amazing option.

- Sperm Donor...  Since SMARD is a genetic disease where both parties have to have the mutation we could use a sperm donor with my eggs and hopefully get pregant with a healthy child.  We have looked into sperm banks and looked at how detailed you can be with the sperm donor.  We can pick someone who looks just like Ryan so our child would resemble both of us.  This would give me the option to be pregnant.

- Egg Donor... Just like sperm donor but it would be Ryans sperm and a donor egg.  I would still carry the child and experiance the pregnancy.

- Embrio Adoption... When people store their embrios they sometimes dont use them all.  Instead of throwing them away some people put their embrios up for adoption.  This would be similar to the more traditional adoption route  but I would be able to carry the child.  It would be neither Ryan nor my biological child but I would still get the pleasure of carrying them to term.

- Preimplantation Genetics... This is where they would take Ryans sperm and my eggs--- grow the embrio then test the embrio for SMARD.  If it tested positive they wouldnt use that embrio and move to the next until we found a negative embryo.  This is one of the most expensive options... $30,000+
But this would be the option to give Ryan and I a biological child with a very large guarantee they would be free of SMARD.

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Fewww... Did you keep up with all of that?
Okay so those are the options we have on the table.  Some we have looked into more than others.  Some we feel could be right for us. Some we dont feel would be right for us.
Now its just trying to figure out what we should do.
We are praying so hard. We are trying to figure out what path God is wanting us to take.  We are trying to figure out how we are supose to get a child.  We want to be parents.  More than we have ever wanted before.  Ryans beautiful sister welcomed this amazing little man into our family last week.  It was unbelivable the feelings I felt looking at his perfect, new, fresh from heaven little face.  I wanted that. I want to be a Mom. I want to have a family.  I have dreamed my whole life of this.
I had that. For almost 5 incredible months.  It was the most perfect time of my life.  Having that, knowing how truely amazing it is to be a Mom. Makes it that much harder to not have that anymore.  It makes that wanting that much grater.  Ryan and I cant stop talking about it.  We cant stop trying to figure all of this out.  It might only be a few weeks since we lost Gracie but anyone who wants a child knows hours feel like weeks.  Weeks feel like months and months feel like years.  Its a totally different kind of want.  This isnt wanting a vacation, a new pair of shoes, a new house... This is wanting what we are put here on earth for.  This is wanting the most incredible blessing you could ever recieve in this life.  The wanting is not just wanting. Its a deep down ache, need, desire, hope and constant prayer.

We are taking a TINY step back.  We are really diving into all of our options and learning as much as we can about them to make the best choice for our family.  This is not something that we are going to wait a few months or even weeks to figure out. We have a few appointments set up this week to meet with some people.  I am hoping by the end of the week we can have a better feel for what we should or should not be doing.

I am just praying.
Please please please Heavenly Father...
Please help us know what we should do.

27 comments :

Tracy said...

Oh Kendra..I am so sorry you guys have such a big decision to make. I have never lost a child or had a miscarriage, and cannot phathom all the emotions you have had to endure these past couple years.. Wanting to have a baby so bad but not having any control of how or when that will happen, I can for the most part understand though. I cannot imagine your situation and dealing with all of the above. You are such a STRONG girl and I think you are amazing for being so open and honest. I know you have helped so many others to let them know that they are not alone. I have talked with you over email before, but if you would like any advice or any info I could provide regarding IVF, I would be more than happy to. We considered some of your above options when we were trying to have a family, but we felt the ivf route was the best one for us to try first and went that direction. Most of the options are all so expensive and sometimes seem not fair to have to go through just to have a family, but ultimitely, however you receive the next child you welcome into your home doesn't matter..all that matters is that you have that child to love and care for, and that child will be the luckiest to have you two as their parents. I know God (and your two little angel babies) will answer your prayers and show you the way..Somehow, someway.
Lots of love,
Tracy
Kaosnrok645@aol.com

Laura said...

You don't know me but I found your blog and just love reading it. What a big decision and so many choices. You could always have 2 kids if possible. One with your egg and a sperm donor then another one with a donated egg and Ryans sperm. Good luck in your choice and it will be the right one no matter what you decide. My friend adopted 3 kids through foster care and enjoyed every minute of it but they also had a lot of kids that went back to their parents, which I agree is the ultimate goal.

Alex and Sarah said...

Ahhh! So many options to go from. Weighing the pros and cons for each is difficult. We had a lot of those same options. Several people wanted us to go one way, while others wanted a different one. We carefully prayed about each one and then it was clear where we had to go. The hard part was the What Ifs of each choice once we made it. The choice we made took us 2 and 1/2 years which was hard. What if another choice didn't take as long? It can drive you crazy. Hope your true path is clear to you. Good luck.

Heather said...

Hello Beautiful! I am a foster Momma. I have had 7 long term-ish placements in the past year and a half. The first five when home and I am pretty sure our current angels will be going home next month. We are also looking to get matched through private adoption. I would love to talk to you about foster care, adoption, we even looked into embryo adoption. e-mail me heather.nichole.roberts at gmail.com

Ang said...

Kendra - We foster adopted 5 beautiful girls. The first four are full sisters who came to live with us when they were 7 3 2 and almost 1. Our second foster adoption was 18 months old when she was placed with us.

If you ever want to chat about it just ping me. We did this for just about 10 years. We have been through the good, the bad, the ugly and miracles.

Much love,

Ang

Satterlees said...

Technology is so amazing these days! I'm so glad you have these options and that you guys are ready and willing to pick one. And truthfully, any of these options would be so so great! Excited to watch you guys go through this process, even if it is a little stressful, you are expanding your family and that is such a blessing:)

The Saville Family said...

Your family is in my prayers too. I hope you can find the answer to what is best for your family and you won't have to wait to long.

Ashley said...

That's a lot of options. Keep your faith, He'll lead you in the right direction. But I still wish it wasn't this difficult for you. Can't wait till Wednesday!!

summergibbs said...

My cousin and his wife used a sperm donor due to his vesectomy not being reversible. Their little boy was born in July and I honestly can't tell that he isn't biologically Drew's child. It's not for everyone though....it's a big decision. Keep having faith and you will be led in the right direction!

Anonymous said...

I know my opinion isn't much since you do not know me at all. But I hope you will consider it. In the matter of the genetic testing on your unborn child. You see as Christians we believe that Life begins at conception. That all life no matter how early is from the Lord. Choosing to simply not use an embryo because it is genetically damaged isn't an option. I do not mean to sound harsh or disrespectful and I pray that you do not take it that way. You have a lot of options to you and though I understand how powerful it is to give birth to a child that is fully yours and your husband a complete piece of the two of you this comes at great sacrifice.
My husband and I fostered for eight years we had eight-teen different children in our life's and though each one impacted our life's and blessed us greatly we were unable to keep any of them. The Lord has blessed us with seven healthy babies and we feel greatly blessed. I highly recommend embryo adoption. Some clinics will implant donor embryos without an adoption for as little as $3000. You save a life from being destroyed you are named Mother and Father on a birth certificate and there is absolutely no risk of losing a child to birth parents, they simply have no rights after you become pregnant. I believe you should pursue both Foster care and Embryo adoption together, I gave birth to three of my children while doing Foster care and although it doesn’t take away the pain of losing a child you’ve loved it does help. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sure many people have an opinion that opposes mine but spiritually and financially I strongly think that these are your best options

Chantel said...

I know this decision is a hard one. I'm sorry you have to go through it. We struggled for years to get pregnant or keep a pregnancy (lots of miscarriages) and were waiting on an adoption list the entire time. We amazingly were able to have our two daughters but were told we probably wouldn't be able to have anymore. We were Foster Parents to four amazing kids last year that just recently went home to their bio family. Miraculously while going through that process we found out we were pregnant with our third little guy who will be here in December. No matter what you do, you will be wonderful parents and I wish you luck in your journey.

Tyler & Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
shelandmattsnyder said...

if you care for my opion i would do first the sperm doner one than the egg doner one so you each hae a child that has something of you in them.

Kristen said...

Mike and I felt desperate too! We so wanted that beautiful precious child - one that would stay with us. We chose to take the risk for our own reasons. I prayed hard in those first couple of months. Praying that I would learn that Aria didn't have SMA. She didn't and for that I am grateful. If you ever want to hear our reasons I'd be happy to share them with you but I really believe that if you have faith you and Ryan will make the best decision for YOU. ((((HUGS))))

Jamie Smith said...

I stumbled on your blog and I am so sorry that this is a trial you are facing. Sadly, my sister is going through the same options and it sounds all too familar. She has lost two darling little boys to SMA (you can read her story herehttp://harrisheadquarters.blogspot.com/2011/08/tale-of-woe.html). I pray that you will receive the comfort and direction you need.

Lea and her Mustangs said...

Kendra - you and Ryan have to make the decision that is best for you. God will give you the answer I have confidence in that. We had 4 born to us children and 2 adopted After our 4th. child was born of horrendous heart problems and died at 5 days. Any way you hear from God is the right way will be the right way for you. You are in my prayers. You don't know me, had commented occasionally and read your blog often. Blessings

Robyne said...

Hi Kendra,
You don't know me, but I have found your blog through another one and my heart aches for you and Ryan. I cannot say that I have experienced what you both have been through. I have been blessed with four healthy children and I count my blessings daily. I have however watched as some of my friends and family have gone through some similar experiences as yours. And it has brought me to tears several times as I have watched them suffer the loss of their children. We have one sweet, wonderful family that lives in our community that has gone through some difficult times. Both the mother and father are carriers of a genetic gene mutation. They have been blessed with 6 beautiful children, with three that are still here on earth with them. Their oldest died at the age of 10. Their second child was born healthy. Their third child is 13, and then they had triplets. One died at 18 months, one passed away last year at the age of 10 and the other is now 11. The five that had the disease were all wheelchair bound with no movement and no use of their voices. I share this with you, because it has been a wonderful learning experience for me to watch them as a family. Knowing that they were carriers, they too had to make a very hard decision on how to proceed with their family. I don't know if I could have made the same decision that they have made, but they are the first ones to say that their lives have been blessed beyond measure. They understood that the life their children would live would be a difficult one. They understood that they would have to bury their children, but the joy that each of those kids brought them has been the biggest blessing that they could have asked for. I am not saying that you should take the same route as them. Only you and Ryan can make that decision. It will not be easy! I do know though that the Lord knows you and Ryan personally and he loves you and will direct you down the path that you should follow. Any route you take will be worth it. And by reading your blog, any child would be blessed to have you both as parents. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you will find the peace and direction that you are searching for.

All my best,

Robyne

Rachel said...

My sister gave me a link to your blog. I have been going through something very similar, and she thought you may want to talk to me or ask for advice or just complain to someone who really understands. Please feel free to contact me if you would like to do any of the above. I sincerely hope that you find happiness. http://harrisheadquarters.blogspot.com/2011/08/tale-of-woe.html

Anonymous said...

hi I know you don't know me but I love reading your blog anyway i was a nanny / mommies helper for a couple years the mother adopted a little girl then got pregnant through embroy adoption with triplets I love all of them to death but the mother faced many critism against her i know she wouldnt do it anyother way and loves her decision but you have to be ready for hurful people who will judge you! I am 100 percent for embroy adoption your care for the child in your womb and you have that special bond with them! iknow what ever decision you make will be great and you will love the child or children no matter what!

ASHLEY ELDER said...

I hope things work out whatever way they are suppose to. Thinking of you ((Hugs))

The Gustafson Family said...

I found your blog recently through another SMA mom's blog. We have Nicholas who is three with SMA and a healthy daughter, Ella, who just turned one. We concieved Ella naturally and she is not affected and not a carrier but it was a surprise pregnancy and knowing the risk of SMA we were terrified for the first four months of my pregnancy. It is a feeling no couple should have to endure so I asmire your courage in posting so candidly about all the options you are considering. We, too, face the tough choice of how to grow our family as we would like to have at least one more child and the decision of how to concieve is not an easy one. You are right to pray about it and just listen for the answer. Your children will come to you however they are meant to. Someone once told me that our children are just waiting for us in in Heaven and they choose us. I wish you and your husband nothing but peace and clarity as you make this most difficult decision.

Alesha said...

You are forsure in our prayers! BIG BIG decisions. I feel ya. We are trying to make similar ones and they are hard and scary. But I know what you mean about the wanting...it truly is aching. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

kendra,

is is obvious that you are an awesome and loving mother. as hard and as trying as it must be to face these choices, we sure are lucky to live in a time where these options are available. i'm sure that you and ryan will decide what is right for you and you will have more children.
i wonder if you have a sister or if ryan has a brother who is not a carrier for SMARD? if so, if they were willing to donate (egg or sperm), you could have a child that is the most genetically close to both of you. maybe, it doesn't matter to you at all, but some times, i've found it interesting to see my kids resemble their grandparents.
of couse, we don't need to be genetically related at all to our children, we just need to love them fiercely, which i'm sure you two will have no problem with. good luck with whatever choice you end up making.

Tiff@ny said...

Oh Kendra, this makes me sooooooo happy and excited for you and Ryan both! You have lots of choices but they are all wonderful choices that will get you guys closer to that little family you want and need to share all that love you guys have with! I have cried many tears for you guys and could never even begin to imagine the pain you guys have endured. It makes me smile to read about the strength you and ryan have not only separately but the bond and strength you have for each other and together! I admire the both of you so much. Just reading this post makes me smile cause even though the choice might be difficult I can feel your excitement of the possibility of not only having another child in your home but maybe even being pregnant again and experiencing that wonderfulness all over again! Many thoughts and prayers coming your way that you guys will be guided to make the right choice for your family!! God Bless you both!!!

Allison said...

I just recently read a post about embryo adoption that I found really touching and you may like. Good luck in your decision. Just remember whatever you choose, you will have a wonderful healthy child who is yours no matter what genetics say. http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2011/09/embryo-adoption-a-unique-option-to-give-a-child-life.html

Tracy said...

I know I have already commented on this, but I truly believe whatever other spirit/spirits that are supposed to come into your lives will, no matter how it happens, they will make their way to you and Ryan. Just like Makenzie and Gracie chose you two to be their parents, your next precious child has already chosen you too and they will make the journey to your family, no matter which way that may be. I know so many people have different opinions and different views on what you should do and what isn't the "right" way, and I too had hesitations about what decision to make, but the Lord has a plan for all of us and he will show you the way. You shouldn't have to feel any guilt for any decision you feel is right for you guys just because some people might not agree. It will happen how it's supposed to. I know it!

debbie said...

I will be praying for you guys to come to the right decision for your family! Whatever you decide, I hope you feel peace and joy in the decision and you are able to not care about any negative comments that may come your way. LOVE YOU!

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