In my attempts at finding T the best wardrobe, decor and accessories I have stumbled upon some amazing finds but they are very limited. He has a couple things in his closet already but most were gifts or hand me downs. What I have personally purchased will last him an afternoon of spit up's and blow outs.
I have been to seriously tons of stores/boutiques all around Utah... I have spent the majority of my time online searching. I have bought a few things and honestly returned 75% of what I have purchased for him already. I get it and just don't love it so I send it back. I have no idea what my issue is. Everything for him has to be perfect. It has to be something I LOVE and not just like. His room is so important to me and I have no idea why I am so controlling about everything in it. EVERYTHING.
I have even gone as far as going through all of the children's books we have and taking several out because I just don't want to read those ones to T.
I am not sure if I am like this because its really the only control I have over him. I don't know. I am getting a bit frustrated and really overwhelmed. I mean there is no way I can control that much. There is no reason for me to control it. Its silly. and I know that.
The only thing that is steering me away from being 100% all over his stuff is Ryan. I honestly want him to love his room and his clothes and his books and his... whatever...
So I am really controlling about making sure Ryan loves everything as well. There are a few things that have gone into his closet and his room that I don't LOVE. shocking! but Ryan loves them so I am fine with it. Our styles are so different and what we love is so different. If Ryan was able to have totally control over T's room it would be painted camo, with camo bedding, with deer antlers hanging in every inch of the wall, with some dead animal on the floor and a closet of only camo and cowboy boots.
I love Ryan and want him to be apart of it all but that's a little to much for me. I don't want to scare my son. So we are settling with antlers in his room, lots of camo in his closet and the knowledge that this boy will always own a pair of cowboy boots. He already has his first pair. and honestly I love them. They are so cute.
When I step back from all of this I get frustrated with myself because me of all people understands that everything in that room and in that closet are so NOT important. They mean nothing. They are just things and will never define who our son will be or the amount of love we have for him.
Packing up box after box after box of all the things Makenzie never used, never touched, never grew into, never care about... I know all that shit is just that--- shit. Its nice and some things are necessary but most are not. He could sleep in my dresser drawer and be just as happy.
So knowing all of this why is it so hard for me to let go?
Why cant I just chill and enjoy it?
I refuse to buy anything that is bigger than 3-6 months. I honestly wouldn't have even purchased anything that big but a cute outfit was on sale so I got it in the last size they had which was 3-6 M. Everything else I have bought is either newborn or 0-3. My mind cant even go past that. Thinking he will grow bigger than that. I cant even get my mind to go there. It almost feels like an impossible accomplishment. Whenever I tell Ryan this he agrees with me and then says-- well that is all we know.
It breaks my heart that his mind goes there to. I wish I could be the only crazy one and he could just live in a life of bliss where you get to raise all of your children and you never worry about them leaving you before you leave them. I wish I didn't know that either but I wish he didn't more.
I want to let go. I need to let go. I cant control this.
I wish I knew how to do that. Just do it. Just stop. Just walk away. Just live.
I tell myself these things over and over and without even thinking about it my mind goes back to the controlling--- no that cant happen--- no he cant wear that--- no that cant go in his room--- no one can step foot in his room--- that's his, only he can sit there, only he can use that. and it becomes an obsession. I have to protect that. My mind will focus on that thing and that thing only because that is T's.
I feel like I did when Makenzie first died. I became obsessed with every single thing of hers. I didn't even want people to look at certain things because it wasn't for their eyes. I feel like I am doing the same thing but in reverse. I am obsessing over T's things before he even gets here. Things he has yet touch or see or feel. Everything has to be protected and preserved for him.
Jesus Christ I am a
Sometimes just writing things out and seeing how ridiculous I am being helps. I am hoping it does this time because man alive I need to get a grip. I have the logic in my head and for some reason cant actually do it. I guess its good I can at least realize my craziness and now I just need to learn how to get over it.